June 29, 2021
Have you experienced fooling yourself? Have you experienced doing something against your will? Have you tried cheating with yourself? Did you experienced having a war between your heart and mind?
Is it possible for us to cheat to ourself? Are we able to cheat with ourself? Well, I did. How did I cheat myself?
There are things that we can't control. Events that we never expected and sometimes makes us to decide that instant even without thinking. These are things that I cheated with myself.
Sometimes, I don't trust people around me and that I want to keep something on my own. Heartaches and problems that I want to keep by myself. That when someone asked me I am okay or how am I doing, all I will say is that 'I am okay' though I am really not. Because I am afraid to be criticized when I tell them what I feel coz I know some of them will not understand and will think I am just dramatic. I can say that I am a sensitive person, I easily get hurt with words that is not indirectly said but I knew what's behind it. So, I better stay silent and will say 'I'm okay!'. There are some people who knows me well and that's my parents and my boyfriend. If I will say I am okay, they won't believe coz they know I am not.
There were times that I will smile even if I am sad inside. I'll smile to my friends and classmates before even if the truth is I am sad an having much pain especially when we have problems in our family. I smile at school even if my mind was in trouble of thinking what will happen to our family. I've been cheating of myself playing happy even if I am not. In order for me not to be sad anymore, I'm looking for ways to be genuinely happy like watching movies but then pain is always there.
I hate myself sometimes when I don't know how to decline to a person. I am afraid to decline coz he/she might get mad at me or disappointed with me. Especially if the person is close to me like my friend or a relative. This was before when I always dwell with what might other people would say. Coz I don't want to hear bad things about me that is why I always do things just to please them though I, myself, don't want it. It's like cheating to myself coz I disregard my own thought and deeds just for them. But when I already understands how to deal people, I thought of myself how fool I am coz I let people manipulate me for being that kind of person who don't know how to say no. When I learned how to say no, I learned who are those people who I should trust.
Why did I say that I am cheating with myself? It is because I am not being true with myself before. I always disregard my own beliefs and thoughts for other people. The thought that I will be okay if I ill do this things was a total mistake. I never grow living with this cheat.
When I noticed that I am not growing because of these cheating scheme of myself, I tried my best to change it and to not cheat with myself again. Coz at the end of the day, I am still the one who always suffer. I may look happy but the truth is I am not. When I learned how to love myself first, it was the time that I never cheated on myself and I want to be genuine. Coz if I am true with myself, all the things around me seems so light and not heavy. I can move easily and I am not minding what other people would say as long as I am not harming others.
How about you? Have you ever tried to fool or cheat yourself? If yes, can you share it with me? The comment section is open for your reactions with my article for today.
By the way this is a prompt #6 of Ms. @JonicaBradley , I know lots of you here already knew. And also I have read lots of users wrote an article about this prompt. You can also write yours. Just follow the rules of the prompt. You can read it in Ms. Jonica's published article.