We embraced each other at the wrong time

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We tried to be companions to our pain at the very wrong time. We had no remedy, how could we heal our wounds.

Still, it was a hope, even though this endeavor was as pointless as looking for a breath of air at the bottom of the sea, once our arms were entangled. As we wiped our tears, we couldn't even say to each other that we would see beautiful days from now on.

We knew because no wound could be healed with lies...

Half a soul:

It's exhausting to travel with my burdened troubles. Between you and me, that's why I don't even make any effort to run away. I don't feel the need to face anything, I don't even feel incomplete or inadequate. I just want to stand still and look at life.

Suppose I am an anonymous portrait that God has scribbled in his novice period. I am destined to be inactive and I am quite content with that.

I can live a life at peace with inaction and unresponsiveness. I don't know, birds fly, seasons pass, people go, time flows and I just watch.

I can fill my eyes with deep and meaningful glances, as if I am looking for a solution to a vital problem, as if I am about to tell you the cure for the biggest troubles. There are no painful sighs, for example, no jealousy gushing out of my eyes. I can even pretend that I am a person who is far from all human weaknesses, but at the same time, I am a person with feelings.

How can I put it...

I just want to live still for a while. I need it so badly that I can even endure a century of inactivity...

Believe me, I only wanted to break this damaged cycle for you...but...

Oh, we put our arms around each other at the wrong time. At a time when I was burning with the desire to be lost in a deep unresponsiveness and you felt that even a simple reaction was too much for you. In short, it was the worst possible timing.

Otherwise, believe me, the problem was not with you, the problem was that we were stuck in the unbearable pain of existing for a long time.

The other half soul:

I'm done with lies a long time ago, that's why I'm so hard on myself. Like just before a suicide, no thought other than tossing and falling grows in me.

I have been away from life for a long time. I've been tossed about like a yellowed leaf in the wind, and the strange thing is that I've been enjoying it in a way that seems strange even to myself.

It was as if God had created me to be aimlessly tossed about and I was discovering the me I was meant to be through another absence.

I don't know if that's why I like storms. I don't envy having winds that make it easier for me to drift. In my life, which is divided into yes or no, black or white, I do not rejoice like a child when I see the grays that herald the arrival of the storm.

And yet, despite my fear, when those grays that I loved appeared in the sky, I longed for the entrance to turn black and the lightning to illuminate the sky.

There is no such thing as a choice...everything that was offered as a choice was a trap for me.

If there was a choice, believe me, I would have chosen you in every possible life.

But...

When God has equipped all my paths with different reflections of the same result, when every option presented to me is either black or black...

And when I was blessed with having to be on the wrong side of life every time, I couldn't ignore the possibility of being tossed away in the middle of the storm.

No way, no how. God knows that would have been bullshit, I couldn't bear it.

I said to God one day, "Your reality, take it, send me to hell. That's when I was struck by the lightning of those storms I loved so much...

I would like to say... but he didn't see me again and I think I was forgotten again...

Actually, I'm not in the mood for all this angry behavior.

Don't look at the foul-mouthed rebellious child behavior. I'm just another desperate man digging his grave with the need to be loved.

Believe me, I only wanted to walk a few steps towards life for you...but

We put our arms around each other at the wrong time. At a time when I accepted profound unresponsiveness as the most likely solution and you pushed the limits of resignation.

It wasn't your fault, it wasn't mine... it was the fact that we were possessed by the pain of the insatiable emptiness that precedes annihilation.

Sometimes two halves are just two halves; the damage is so great that they cannot be whole in this life even if they wanted to be.