The Art of Remembering... and Forgetting

When we think of remembering, we think of it as a positive thing. We remember happy times and we want to preserve those memories. However, there is a dark side to memory when it keeps us from moving on and if the memories are painful.

On the other hand, we often associate forgetting with negative things like dementia, Alzheimer’s, or the inability to move on because we can’t forget certain events.

For many of us, memory is a big part of our sense of self. It’s how we identify who we are and what we have done with our lives. We remember the good and the bad, but often, remembering is a positive thing. That’s why we dwell on the memories when they are good ones—because it makes us feel good.

But our memory isn’t perfect and we only remember things selectively and not necessarily accurately, even as we believe we do. Memories are often also distorted or even false, especially as time goes by. As we age that can rob us of our identity and who we are to others.

Memories can be burdensome things when they make us remember people who have let us down or hurt us deeply. We often struggle with whether to keep these memories, and so we try to bury them, but they always resurface. It feels like there’s no escaping the pain that comes with remembering. If only we could find a way to truly forget what has happened in the past—to forget those who’ve wronged us, to forget our mistakes and failures, to forget the people we’ve lost.

So what happens when our memories fail us?

The answer to that question is not a simple one. Our memories are the most important thing about us; they make us who we are and define our lives. We all have a memory that fails us every now and again, but when it's a memory that really matters, you might wish you could just forget about it. When we lose a memory, what do we lose? When people lose their memories due to trauma, dementia or Alzheimer’s disease, they also lose a large part of their identity and who they are to others. Memories can be painful, and sometimes that pain is so great we wish to forget them. But how can we do that? If a memory has been burned into our minds for so long, is there any way to erase it?

It’s important to remember that our memories are not perfect. When we navigate life’s challenges, it is helpful to understand that our mind may not be an accurate recorder of events or feelings.

What shall we do if that’s the case?

It can be disheartening to realize this, but at the same time it is empowering. Our memories are malleable. We have the ability to shape and mold our memories, just as we would a piece of clay. This means we can create new experiences and new associations with each memory. If you rely on your memory for everything, you might feel lost or confused when it fails you or changes. But if you see your memory as something which is constantly changing and evolving, then you will have more control over it.

We all need to learn how to forget sometimes. We need to learn how to let go of the past if it hurts too much. When that happens, remember that you still have your future.

Would you choose to keep the painful memories or to forget?

We usually think of forgetting as undesirable—the opposite of remembering. When someone forgets an important date, or forgets where they parked their car, most of us would probably describe them as “scatterbrained” or “unreliable.” But is this really true? In reality, being able to forget some aspects of a painful memory can be just as useful as remembering others.

I think the important thing to remember when discussing the art of forgetting or choosing what (not) to remember is that it's a continuous process—we're always forgetting and remembering things, on a daily basis. It's just a matter of how we go about doing it. With that in mind, my best advice for someone seeking to understand "the art of forgetting" would be to simply pay attention to their surroundings. After all, almost everything can be forgotten if you choose not to remember it—but we need something to distract us from painful memories in order to move on. And whether you want to admit it or not, there's no shortage of things in this world that warrant our attention.

Life is full of memories. Some will leave you devastated and others will warm your soul. These memories are things in our past that have happened to us or we have done. They will always be with us and they can do much to define who we are. Some people choose to remember the good things that happened to them so they have something to look back on. It's up to you as a person how you want to use your memories, whether it's forgetting them or keeping them at a distance just so you can look back on them for encouragement.

The art of remembering is important because it allows us to reflect on past experiences with those close to us. The art of forgetting is just as important as the art of remembering—it gives us hope for future happiness. The art of remembering and forgetting fixates our minds on past experiences, but both are necessary. As we expand our capacities to remember, we must also work on the ability to forget. But, even if it's not possible to forget all of your past experiences, you can find peace in accepting them as they are—memories that shape your life today and tomorrow

Lead image from Carson Hearing Care