Under The Pale Moonlight

26 of March

The kids went out excitedly after seeing the bright and nearly full moon at the bedroom window. The baby don't want to lose it too, so he clung to their mother and asked to go out also.

The sky was bright and clear of clouds. But why were there only few of the stars shimmering?

The kids counted the stars cheerfully and try to connect dots. They try to locate they think was the brghtest.

It was just after dinner so I have to get them in because of "hamog." They might catch colds if they stayed longer in the open.

I told the eldest and the second to brush their teeth. And after they're done they got in.

I fixed and made the bed again because it was in a very chaotic form. They wrestled and throw pillows with each other that's why.

At 8pm, they were all quitely asleep. It's time for some "me" time. read.cash as usual. Making some reading and commented, liked the articles then went offline.

I was going thru my drafts at my notepad and got to finished one until the end. I was supposed to publish it but I feel uncomfortable to do so.. I don't have the confidence because all I am reading by my friends were all crypto-related. I don't know but I just can't go with the flow of writing crypto contents. It's not for me, perhaps. But I do love reading them because it opens up new knowledge and ideas of the reason why we are exactly here. Another thing that depletes my confidence was how the randomrewarder was acting on my articles..

It had been more than 2 months already when I seldomly got decent tips. But I am still grateful to our friends here Jane, florie, ruffa, momi yen, and charming cherry who have been constantly supporting my writings.

I haven't noticed the time and it was already passed midnight. My frustration heightened because my hubs was still not home. Well, I should get used to it but I just can't. We are not priority. I felt more frustrated when I opened his messenger account on my phone and read some conversation. It was a contradiction of what his co-worker had told when I messaged him.

So that when he came home at past 1am I confronted him but he was more than angry to me for messaging his co-workers. Argument which led to a more furious fight. At the end, I always lost because he won't accept facts and is very good in turning situation upside down.

I left the room and took the unopened soju and the thirds of a bottle of whiskey (black label) from the fridge. I was too frustrated and hurt that I went out of the house and went to an empty lot at the back of a newly built house near our house. I can't be seen if ever he would come out to look for me. But I got more angry because not even his shadow can be seen to look for me.. I cursed the heavens..

I was looking at the pale moon up above the horizon. I let it bathed me with its light while I was crying like a fool. The thought of smashing the bottle of soju and slicing it through my wrist got in my mind..

I just can't. I couldn't. Am a lowly coward. So I thought of drinking everything then perform the act.

I opened the bottle of soju and drank from the bottles mouth. The pain can't be masked by it so I drank in gulps. Tears flowing while I keep gazing at the moon.

Mem'ries of yesteryears, when we were younger flooded in. Those times when we met especially when the moon is full. They were a perfect moment because it made it more romantic. Just sitting next to each other, looking at the moon while holding each others hand.

Those times when dreams and plans were made. But in between conversations, the red flags were there that naive as I was took it for granted. I was the only one making plans, afterall. He never planned and dreamt with me. That all he cared was to be married. Darn...

Gulped.

Gulped.

Gulped.

I was not that stupid but why did I lose my self love at the end? It ruined my life and my future..

The first bottle was all buttoms up. The pain was too excruciating it caused no effect. So I opened the whiskey. Filled my mouth and gulped it down. It went down smooth and warm.

That moon up above caused more pain while it kept reminding me of the red flags I never took to heart. Regrets overflowed that I wanted to shout out loud.

That moon which was an inspiration to poets (aspiring like me) was all but a part of the past.

Never did I have any regrets for having my kids but to take a differnt path is the only option there was.

I can hear crows crowing. It was getting colder. I wasn't drunk yet because I can still feel the cold. I was waiting for that moment to make it unleash the devil within and perform what I had been thinking. I was just too full of pains that I can't find any remedy to alleviate it a little.

The whiskey tasted stale. Why was that.? I didn't noticed it was already gone.

I stood up with the taught of getting the gin (2x2) inside the house. But I dropped on my elbows on the ground. I felt like jelly. Hey! Am I drunk? My mind was clear but my knees seems like no bones.

I was never drunk before. Yes, of course! Like any pasaway teenager those days, I tasted alcohol but never to the point of walking in an unsteady gait.

I managed to get in the house but I was met by my toddler who was awaken by our fight earlier. I was supposed to get the gin but my eldest came in the room. I don't want to see them I was wasted and holding a bottle of toxic drinks. So I took my baby and sat at the chair nearby.

I could sensed he was afraid of me. Because they never saw me in that state. However I looked, I didn't care. The baby got down from my lap and started crying. My eldest was still there soothing his baby brother but he won't just stop. He took his brother's bottle and made him some milk but the baby won't just stop.

I was nearly sleeping but I could hear the cries. It was what awakened their father, maybe. He came into the kitchen and said words after seeing me. I was half awake that I didn't understand some of the words.

"Why didn't you just commit suicide, you crazy woman.?" That was what he kept repeating. "Useless." He took the kids to the bedroom and left me. It pierced my heart.

Tears flowed like a river, unintentionally. Why does when a woman got drunk, she gets insults of being crazy and useless and doesn't care for her youngs. But when a man is a drunkard, it was just a normal thing? I tried to get up and reach for the kitchen knife but I dropped at the floor with a thud. This the perfect moment to finish my misery. Am gonna sl*t my throat and my wrist.

Thud! Second attempt I hit my head at the table (not that hard though) and dropped to the floor.

I felt cold. It was morning already! I tried to reach for something to cover me up. But nothing. So I was left sleeping at the kitchen floor after falling and hitting my head?

D*amn. He doesn't even give a g*dd**m care? It hurts ngy.. I tried to get some sleep but I just can't. I was used to getting up at 6am whether I have a goodnight sleep or not. So I bet it was 6am that time.

I got to bed after he left for work without even feeding the kids. I tried to get some sleep but couldn't. How unfair, that if it's him who gets drunk, he would sleep the whole day and be fed like a pig.

I got up and instructed my eldest to heat the leftovers so that they can eat. I can feel I was still drunk because I walked in an unsteady gait.

I was left thinking that if ever I will die early due to some illness too much stress will bring me then my kids will be very "kaawa-awa." They will be left with an irresponsible father who prioritized his bad vices and peers more than his kids. They will be left to survive on their own. They will be left to learn the ways of life on their own.