Grown Up Lady

18 years of existence,

Yet still can't build up confidence.

I'm now in the stage of my late adolescence,

Yet still can't satisfy my audience.

5 months in quarantine,

And I just keep doing things in routine.

My friends living their lives as a queen,

While I'm just fighting silent battles, I can't even win.

Lately, my friends noticed how I've become so distant,

I don't know what happened, but everyone just seems hesitant.

I locked myself for hours, trying to accept the reality,

But whenever I look in the mirror, I just cry recklessly.

Everyone keeps on flexing everything they have--even their own body,

While I don't even know if there's a thing I can flex proudly.

I keep on looking for answers,

But what I found is just insecurities for others.

Hatred and jealousy slowly changed me,

And soon brought out the worst out of me.

I tried my best to feel the contentment,

But everyone keeps on making me feel like I'm a disappointment.

All I wanted is to glow up, just like what everyone does,

But why all I have is just questions, and doubts?

This 5 months of my life,

Made me feel I'm the biggest shit alive.

But little did I know, in my greatest downfall,

I'll find a strength to climb even the tallest and highest wall.

As I distance myself,

I learned the importance of knowing yourself more while alone,

Rather than doing your best to please everyone.

From releasing tons of water in my eyes daily,

I learned to find joy within me,

And never depend it again to the people surround me.

I used to find someone who'll see my worth,

But now I just do things that will surely increase my worth,

Not anymore for a man or someone,

But for myself--because that's what I deserve.

The toxicity and negativity inside me,

Is now slowly fading away, as I accept the real me.

Looking back to what I've been through lately,

Reminiscing those days, I want to end badly,

I realize that as everyone having their glow up,

Here I am finally growing up.

And with these lessons I have within me,

I'm not scared anymore to walk in a new journey,

Wherein I'll face my problems as a grown up lady.