Too many start-ups

Image from Unsplash

I’ve been writing a lot lately. Writing first paragraphs, and then erasing them. I don’t know what to write about. Or so conscious of the flow of ideas. I can’t make it right. It’s coming here and there, I don’t know.

I just wanted to indulge. To say things over and over. To lament, to say things that are dragging me down. To voice things out. Etc. Etc. I’ve been consistently staying at Ate M’s store, where I get to meet with neighbors. We tell stories, sometimes gossip, and massage each other’s head.

It seems, I really needed a sabbatical leave. But even that kind of leave, I can’t use it at the moment. Return service, I need to give back. For the free tuition. Worse, I signed a memorandum of agreement. The worst of all is for the first time, I am dropping out. One reason or another, I’m really dropping out of my master’s program.

I know I shouldn’t say this, it’s not inspiring, is it? But this is my truth. It’s not that I don’t want to anymore but I just can’t still figure out what to do with my life. I lack purpose. Well, I do have a purpose—be with my children as they study and grow and learn, clean the house, take a bath, and play mobile games.

Let’s say, I’m tired of formal study. I can just study on my own. But the graded assessments and papers that need to be written is scaring the guts out of me. It’s not like this before. Anxiety is normal but to this extent is not.

Just maybe, I have started a lot of things that I am unable to finish. This is me, I guess. So for the nth time, I’m bowing my head down to ask for enlightenment.

Or this just happens to anyone who is in the same circumstance as I. So the best thing for now is to breath, rest, sleep and do mindless things.

I still really hope I am not dropping out from school. I shouldn’t. Where did all my ambitions go? It came and it went to hide. I just yearn for peace and the calm. But when to attain that, I know not.

When we are scared of the unknown, that’s when dread eats us whole and live. And we begin to stumble, stone for stone. When we eventually give in, the inferior mocks us and we get sad.

We reflect on our lives, and question too many things. Then we realize, we are just lazy and indulgent. Hm… That’s not true! It’s not as simple as just being lazy and indulgent. Perhaps, there is just something that needs to be untied before we finally break free and do the things we needed to. Maybe, maybe not.

Actually, I’m a little bit sad. It seems, I lost the enthusiasm to handle students. I was a little over excited during the start of the term but what is happening now? Of course I still have to do a good job whatever I am feeling. They paid their pricey tuition. I should do my job in making sure they at least get their money’s worth.

Our head constantly reminds us not to short-change our clients (students). They have the right for the worth of the money they brought to the school. Hence, I am now heading to my work area at the house and do something worthwhile. Hehehehe.

And this time, it should not be just at the start. I should at least really finish one document, say a PowerPoint, as a material for the students’ learning. When I look at my folders, I see a lot of promising titles, then when I open the document, just the first parts were finished. Hehe. What a diligent one in starting things yet not finishing anything.