Till death do us part

Having a baby can be hard. As a mother, you lack a lot of sleep, especially during the first year. There's hardly time to recover from giving birth. Some are lucky and are taken care of for the first ten days or even longer. Family, neighbours come over to pamper the mom, look at the baby and praise and congratulate the father. They bring meals, presents and there's joy and happiness. The baby is welcome and loved. The ideal start or is it a picture painted?

Others, other moms, have no one who gives them a hand. They deal alone with everything in a hostile environment, threatening society with families that look down on them. No pampering, no bright future ahead just fights, a lack of money and the struggle to stay alive. That's their reality, the bittersweet situation so many moms worldwide live in with or without an unwanted child. Unwanted because the moms have been raped, have no clue how to manage, where to get the money to stay alive, buy all those stuff on the list the midwife gave them or what others tell them to have since all good parents should.
Breastfeeding isn't a choice to many but the only way to keep that baby alive. So you do what you need to do and try to ignore all those tips given by women living their luxury lives, dealing with luxury problems whether to breastfeed or feed with the bottle. You ignore the nonsense about children being more or less healthy i... and things one should do like pregnancy yoga, baby swimming lessons.
Instead, you tell yourself if billions of women were pregnant before you, gave birth and raised healthy children under the worst circumstances like wars, starvation and ages of climate change, while they were being held underneath thumbs, in slavery, raped, beaten up and scolded at, why shouldn't you manage too?

The human race exploded during the worst periods in human history. Strong people were born underneath hardships while during good times vulnerable children without skills and the will to fight, luxury complainers were raised. It's odd if you consider this. If there's a reason for everything this is the only reason I can think of why some have such a hard childhood, existence and always struggle through life.:They develop the skills needed to survive. Those who overcome now are the ones who manage when things go wrong. They will be far ahead of the spoiled kids who complain about small things like sitting in the middle of the class because, as they state, they still have a trauma that started at primary school. How will a child like that, a teenager, young adult ever grow up adding something healthy to any community or nation?

Life is about gathering experiences, learning, knowing yourself. It's about norms, values, dreams, beliefs, at times it's about fighting for what you want your rights and freedom. It's not about playing the drama queen and making a life-threatening issue out of something small. Something that might do happen over 10 years ago. If you live a good life with luxury today and are not bullied, are accepted you should stop abusing that old situation you once ended up in. If you can't see things into perspective, truly believe being ridiculed in the past is the worst thing that can happen to you it's time to visit psychiatrist. Trust me it can be a lot worse and it will be if you are not flexible enough to get over this 'old pain' with or without the help of family and friends you are a vulnerable person.

Vulnerability or being spoiled is nothing to be proud of or brag about but something to fight and work on immediately.
No one likes to be abused or feel damaged for the rest of his life. As said this will happen if you do not learn, rise above the pain and fight for satisfaction, a fulfilling life.
By the way, I don't believe a drama queen is vulnerable since drama queens are actors. They do everything to attract attention to get what they want (and even if they are still not satisfied).

My children are not different from many other children but no attention seekers although, they had their share of hardship at a young age. They are human, have needs are, an opinion and no AI. They also had a mom who struggled but managed in a way. A mom who hoped and still hopes to give them a better life as she had.

Indeed, looking back, knowing what I know today I would have done things differently. Likely I would have been still a single mom but one that choose to be one before considering getting pregnant. It's easier to have a child alone in a peaceful environment than struggling and fighting with an alcoholic and his drunk family who don't want to have you around, see you as a threat. When it comes to the friends of my children I never worried. It's up to them who they like to spend time with. I learned at a young age family and friends come and go. No matter how close you are they dump or abandon you from one moment to the next. If a certain door closes there's room to open another one. It happened to me so it will happen to my children too.

As a parent, you can not protect your children against everything that might harm them. So yes, my babies fell, they bumped their heads, fell off stairs, stumbled, fell off bikes, cried their eyes off and saw their hope and dreams fall apart. They were forced to start over and over again, switched schools more than once, tried to catch up, studied more than anyone can imagine and lived the biggest part of their lives without family, friends, just some of their siblings around and their mom.

I, I would have been a B.O.M. (Bewust Ongehuwde Moeder meaning Consciously unmarried mother) or no mother at all if I knew what I know today. It would have saved me a lot of pain, broken dreams and years of getting over a broken heart not to mention the lost hopes and high amounts of money. I struggled on and my children did with me.
Time passes by and more and more frequently I ask myself if I do them right. How could I put them in a world, into a situation, without a fair chance to build a life, to feel satisfied and experience some happiness?
I tell you if you are always in the surviving mode there's not much time to grieve, to enjoy, to laugh out loud.

Young children should be happy, laugh the entire day, be triggered by life. In reality, this period is short, too short. Once the raising of a child starts the dictating, indoctrinating, punishments and threats start too. How sad is that? Around the age of two years old the toddler starts developing its character, own will and as a parent, we find it annoying and want the toddler to fit in. It needs to shut up.
The endless 'no', screaming, yelling is not socially accepted therefore it drives more than one mother insane. They said it would be easier once they get older. No longer a baby but a toddler or better a five or eight-year-old that talks, understand things better, can keep itself busy and goes off to school. In a way, it does especially if you take your hands off and let others teach your child what to think, how to live. I'm not that type of mom. No matter how old my children are I like to know where they are, what they do, think, believe, what is important to them. I want them to be an individual, able to be that special person they are.

A child at school can be a relief for a mom, parents who need their hands free or a break. A coffee break with the neighbour, a chat with a friend or granny or just to catch some extra sleep.
Visiting school can be helpful once children get older although, to be honest, the older my children became the more sure I was my children are better off at home. I learned that many teachers do not care about children at all. Not those working at the daycare, the ones in kindergarten, primary or high school. Teachers with burnouts, teachers who never had children of their own, teachers who always know better without knowing your child at all. Lazy teachers who sent little children home with 5 inches of homework after an entire day at school. Teachers too rude to say good morning to a 6-year-old, who keeps greeting them morning after morning, but rather prefer to ignore this kind gesture and the affection of a little child given to them a stranger.

My children worked hard. Next to visiting school, they were homeschooled. They moved, emigrated and did their stinking best to fit in. If they speak you will hear a native speaker, a motivated, educated, smart person but this doesn't mean they never feel sad.

They grew older and are no longer babies sleeping next to me in my bed. They don't share a bedroom with me and need a bit more privacy although if it comes to that I don't have any.
A mother will always be a mom which means even if the child says: I go over to a friend after school they call for you if something goes wrong

"I fell as I was ice skating my nose bleeds, what should I do?"

"We both tried to call you but you didn't answer the phone. I was afraid something happened to you!"

"We talked about going to the cinema..."

Big worries, small worries, signs of care.

"Do you want a hug," I asked the youngest.
The child hesitates but sits on my lap while I wrap my arms around the body that isn't as small as the toddler I once hugged. The baby with looks I recognized from the moment I saw it for the first time. I remember saying: I recognize you, you look like me. I felt relieved and held the little one tight. A baby that didn't want to sleep next to me.

"I don't know why I feel like I can burst out in tears any minute, why I feel like crying nonstop."

There's not always an answer to why we feel like we feel but what counts is this feeling is real and being present, a cuddle can make a world of difference.
I tell my child to take a nap for an hour or two and make a hot water bag to keep my youngest warm. I burn some incense to relax. Incense my eldest say I breathe out. Once the little one is tugged in I have some me-time.

Really?
One child keeps calling while doing some groceries and after all questions are answered and the child finally arrives home it's tea time. Time with the next child texting upset.

"That mp3 player you gave me last year is broke again. I haven't had a single day pleasure from it."


If you don't have much and this is all there is brightening your life, making your work easier, to not feel alone, keep the spirit up...

"I'll buy you another one, I promise.

"It's too expensive."

Indeed it is and easier said than done.

"No pink, grey, lemon green, no mp4, no batteries.."

"I'll see."

"I'm going to bed."

"Sweet dreams."

It's good to have a mom, someone who's around, within your reach. A person you can brainstorm and share your dreams with and feel safe enough to cry your eyes off. Just like many other moms I have had a hard life. I struggle to survive and need some time for me and there is nothing wrong with that. I'm not a super m and more than just a mother. I'm a human being with feelings and needs.
No matter how strong I look in the eyes of someone else I can use a helping hand too. Throughout my entire life, I rarely had that luxury. I'm forced to be a mother and father in one. I catch my children if they fall if they no longer see the point in continuing whatever they do because I put them into this world. All the harm done to them by others is in a way my responsibility. I have to find a way to fix it if they aren't able to.

Being a mom is always hard. Each age comes with different issues, worries, dragons to fight. Being a mom will only stop at the moment you die,your children do or say "goodbye, I no longer need you."

#kittywu #parenting #children #life