Is it safe to keep a diary? I am not sure how many children keep one. If it needs to keep secret you cannot tell about it. A secret is no secret if you tell it to anyone else.
I woke up early. The sun shines and it hurts my eyes. I hear the birds outside, some pigeons. Pigeons remind me of one of my grannies. There are many pigeons where she lives. Perhaps they like the berries in the huge tree or like to look at the birds in the cage my grandfather build around it. My grandpa likes animals my grandmother does not. That must be hard. Perhaps it's one of the reasons why grandpa is never at home? He takes care of all those animals and has a job too. He's an architect, something with repairing old houses. The one he lives in was bombed. I never saw a photo of how it looked like with a bomb on it. I saw his drawings though. Grandpa can do everything. He plays trumpet. At times I look at him if he stands in front of the fireplace with his eyes closed. I am not allowed to be in the same room but if he left the door a bit open I can see him. I love the music. My granny doesn't like music or musical instruments. There's a piano but I don't know why. No one ever plays on it.
My father brought me some tea and toast. He said I could come downstairs later.
The house needs to be cleaned because the housekeeper doesn't work during the weekends. She isn't needed because it is the weekend. My father can clean and cook and do all the repairs and take care of me. Not that he really cares. I am on my own and he does what needs to be done and my mother wants him to do. If he refused it makes her angry. She works. She never has a free night, weekend, or holiday. If people go she goes away.
I don't like the sound of my mother's voice. It hurts my ears and it's better not to make her angry which is really hard. She never says a friendly word and I think she can not talk with a soft voice. She scolds and curses at my dad and me and I don't understand why she does that. It's not allowed to speak like that. God doesn't like it. How come her mouth is never washed with soap like mine? Perhaps my granny should do that because she is her mom but she does not. She only says: "Do not curse!" if we are at her home.
My father says nothing. He just stands there and waits. I don't know what he's waiting for. I don't want her to hurt my dad. She hit him with a chair once and I saw her with a knife. I think she will kill him just like she tried with me. She always yells I am his spitting image and she hates me for it. But how can that be? I never spit at anyone, never scold or curse. What am I doing wrong? I really try to be good, to be quiet, to speak with two words, and not before I am told to speak. I keep my mouth shut if she pushes me off the stairs but she is still mad with me.
June 27, 2020
Is this really your experience??