Respect Your Friends, Respect Your Partners

(the article speaks from intimate friendship's point of view; though the reader can try apply it to other relationships)

You know, many self-help books that are dedicated for couples can also be used for intimate relationships, after excluding the parts specific to a couple-relationship. After all, couples are just two really close friends that lives together and do things together, to help each other become their better self by helping each other, walking the road towards betterment. It's not just creating the next generation.

So, one of the pillars that supports a couple-ship (and hence friendship) is "respect". Learning how to respect your partner, respect yourself, and sit down to discuss with your partners what you feel about each other, would improve the relationship. Particularly, some relationships are great; but they definitely will go sour. There will definitely be unheard comments about each other that you want to tell each other about. These are thoughts that you didn't tell each other because you're unsure whether it'll hurt the other person if you tell or not, so you keep it for yourself. But as thing grows, as more and more minor details stack on top of each other, a small problem become a big problem, you start thinking negatively about your partner, and you refuse to hear what (s)he has to say. That's when relationship are on the brink of damaged. Therefore, it's important to maintain a relationship.

But how to maintain?

The easiest but most DANGEROUS way to do so, is to directly tell your partner what you think of him/her. You might say, oh, this is what I think I don't like about you. You know what your partner will think? Oh, he/she will think, he/she also have something he/she don't like about you, and he/she deserves to say it first. But you might prefer to go all out of yourself first and refresh your feelings. Now, you don't have control of what your partners feel, so this is certainly a sure way to break a relationship. Let's look at a better way to do so.

Better Way

The first and foremost is to make sure you start repairing your relationship before it reaches the brink of destroy. Early repairs, added with the happiness shared between two people, can tolerate for each other's minor mistakes during the repair session by listening attentively to each other. While if it's on the brink of destroy, the default is to NOT listen to what your partners have to say, hence a repair is almost impossible. Well, as a last resort, if you have that kind of relationship, visit a psychotherapist to act as the bridge, a third party, to repair your relationships (including friendships!)

Then, make sure when you repair relationships, each other aren't disturbed by anything. Insist on clearing away work or other disturbance that might disturb the session. Then, reserve a one-hour long session to speak about the stuffs. Not longer than an hour, because talking about these stuffs are quite serious; with a treat at the end after you resolved. Then, no shorter than an hour, because there aren't enough time to resolve anything if it is. An hour is just enough.

Then, start with baring your neck. Rather than throwing things at your partner, start with asking them to throw things at you. What do they don't like about you? Because you're the one whom read this article, one expect you're more likely to stay calm and patience, allowing your partner whom haven't read this article (and the book in the reference below) to start the speaking about you. You're more controllable of yourself than controlling your partners, and you're more knowledgeable of how to take things softly rather than hardly, hence leading the session to a positive outcome.

Then, after your partners have finish, asks some questions to clarify some things you don't understand. Plus, discuss with your partners what are the stuffs that you can accommodate, and what are the stuffs you can't accommodate. Especially request that you either couldn't sustain, or they goes below your bottom line. But make sure your bottom line isn't something unsustainable by your partners! Don't increase the bottom line because you feel irritated by him/her now; compared to a stranger or other friends. This is fairness, right?

After you clarify and solves his/her feelings towards you, now you can invite yourself. You tell him/her that you also would like him/her to listen to you about things that you feel he/she would have to know, that relates to the relationship. Provided the person you're speaking to isn't a psychopathy person or self-indulging person that only cares about him/her and he/she is the middle of the solar system, most probably he/she can listen to what you have to tell. Be careful, don't speak with emotions too much. Try to speak it softly, conveying your emotions with words rather than directly with emotions towards each other. This allows the other person to stay calm and listen to what you have to say rather than feels uncomfortable and quit the session. Remember, although you can bare your neck on the others to speak emotionally; he/she can't bare their neck for you to speak emotionally. You, as the reader of this article (and the book below) accepts he/she as he/she is, hence is more tolerable to emotional listening; but that doesn't mean the same for him/her.

After speaking, give some time for him/her to accept what you say, and hear what he/she has to say. Some reasonings can be accepted, some cannot, depending on how much love you are towards your friends (friendship can have love, just like parenting love, not just coupling love). It's a matter of compromise: what you guys can compromise about each other. Do mentions things clearly: if you're hiding something, it's the time to say it now. Speak from the origin, your bottom line, what you feels, etc to your partners and listen to what he/she has to say of his/her feelings etc, whether they can accept it or not. Even if they can't accept, you might feel better. It's time to decide whether or not you can tolerate something. Preferably, synergize for better solutions.

There are a lot to speak here, and lots of tips and tricks that one can't write down everything. If you'd learn how to handle the sessions properly, you'd know how. If you didn't, there will be experimentations. And during experimentations, there are high chance you might lose some friends. So always bare your neck for that. As one also have difficulty putting one's experiences into words, some things have to be experienced yourself before things become successful.

And it's also a good thing to understand whether your partner can take it or not. If they can't, either because they're too emotional or because you guys never take the effort and time to create a better relationship, it's difficult. One never meet that situation as one always try to make a relationship closer (and hence lose some friendship on my way to do that, for those whom can't become closer). If you guys only speaks on the surface, perhaps you don't really need to repair the relationship: they can be there or they can't be there, it doesn't disturb your life after all; they become replaceable. Only deep relationships requires time and effort to sustain and make better.

Back to the main point, after everything, ensure you give each other a treat. Because it's been a sad and serious conversation, make each other life better by telling each other what you appreciate about each other, the tiny things that they may not have noticed but you feel good about them. Let them know you appreciate them a lot, that they are there in your life to make you happy, and you're there to make their life happier.

Conclusion

As a final note, how exactly to do, check out the book in the References. It has a specific step-by-step items to what steps you can take. Of course, there are something related to marital status, which you can skip if you're targeting intimate relationships. And, hope you turns out better, feels better about each other, after the conversations! Respect each other, and appreciate each other's presence. They're there for you, and you're there for them.

Good luck!

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References

• The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship by Mark Goulston