Feeling Guilt, Feeling Dazed

Feeling weak, feeling helpless. A gut sense of sourness floods, your heart starts pumping faster, adrenaline rushes; your posture tucked in, breathe gets shorter, and the brain lacking of oxygen starts panicking. A sense of nervousness rushes down your body, urging you to stay away from danger, to dig down the source and solve the problem that leads you here in the first place; you feel guilty. Your guilt locks you from doing any work, to repetitively repeat the scenario again and again for a very long time, before it fades (and perhaps the cycle repeats again).

Once in a while one experiences that. Yesterday one was struck with one's incapability of getting a proper job. The reason isn't always the same, sometimes it's about incapability of making friends, other times for various reasons. But one experiences it; and it's not a good feeling. It keeps stucking in one's head, rendering one incapable of problem solving, thinking, and sucks away motivation to work on stuffs. Fortunately, one found that writing it down or diving deep to solve the problem does solve the feeling from ghosting you longer; the latter solves it from the root, the former a temporary measure where the feeling most probably come back after some time.

Though, it's not always solvable. One don't like text messaging; preferring for face to face or video call better, if not voice call is ok; but not via text. Nowadays more and more people however loves text messaging compared to other means of communication. A conflict in interest, an unsolvable situation. Other situations like finding a job -- before you find one the feeling haunts you to find one. Assuming one successfully landed on a job, who knows whether the feeling may haunt you for another reason, like as a regret to find a job requiring to work "dead dead", or perhaps other reasons? A dead cycle.

The feeling is a corrective mechanism designed to correct the path you're walking down. The feeling of guiltiness now and then guides you down the path of growth. It always haunts, as humans aren't god: we are not perfect, so there will be a reason (in disguise) to haunt you. Consider it an alarm to asks you to reflect on yourself (especially for those whom are stuck with work without time to reflect); what had you done since the last time it haunts you? Are you walking down the correct path? Have you build your life's sense of direction to guide you, and did you follow it (while you agree with it)?

Example oneself to find a job. A job gets you immediate income, and stability, someone defines a sense of direction for you to follow. With ones' work preference though (no working for more than 40 hours per week, as a recent graduate that doesn't have too much experiences but relies on skills of experimentation to do stuffs that certainly takes longer time with more failures on the way), it's not easy to find a job always. For someone new, giving in to get some experiences is an advice; and ones' haughtiness doesn't allow that until one could put it down. Either way, working for yourself, startups, don't give you stability nor a sense of direction: you're responsible for defining your own sense of direction in life, and you're responsible for lots of stuffs that you pass responsibility to when working for someone else. An uncertainty for the future leaves gap for some feelings to haunt.

Another reason arises from greed, urges, wants, anger, and other negative emotions. When you want something and it doesn't follows your way, you feel the world is against you; or if you feel it too much, you start beating yourself up saying you can't even have control over something "so simple". Someone seeing himself/herself with the feeling may restrain from feeling so, but it's not easy. Seeing a greed feeling and acting / reacting to a greed feeling is two different things, two different levels of difficulty (one medium difficulty and one hell difficulty). After all, they're carved into our bloodlines from evolution.

Likely the world does not revolve around oneself. "I think how this works is...", "Actually, (I believe) the thing...", "I thought...", "But then" Have you ever notice someone using these a lot, perhaps in almost every sentences? Have you ever notice yourself using these (try recording your conversation and play back to confirm) phrases, so equivalent/similar phrases? We speaks according to how we interpret things happening in our environment: not a big problem. The problem arises when you think what you interpreted are always true, because you see it, smell it, taste it, feel it, experienced it, sense it, etc. The world likely don't revolve around you; and your senses likely don't take in every single piece of information to come to a distorted conclusion.

Conclusion

Shall someone join me down the road to growth. I don't know what the future lies ahead. You would feel lucky to find someone striving for growth hand in hand with you when most are stuck, refusing to grow especially after finishing college. Learning new skills are also growing; though it's the easiest way to grow, and it not necessarily brings you the correct direction of growth. Upon reaching some unexplainable stage, growth lies deeper, and we find our core: to alter one's behavior and mentality, to admit one's mistake and one's flaw, to have the courage of publicly announce one's mistake from past behaviors, etc. May you find and take the road to be a better person. Best wishes.

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(This is a free writing article. One realizes the introduction doesn't fits the conclusion, not even with the body? , BUT whatever...)