While Growing Up

I was born in one of the coldest months of the year. I wasn't sure if I was born out of love or out of lust. Then again, I am thankful I am alive. But somehow, I wish I should not have. I grew up in a poor family who struggled to have a decent home with no electricity and there's always a doubt whether we can eat a meal or not depending on how much my father would make in a day. Back then, I didn't mind all of that. No matter how hard our life was, my parents didn't left us. They gave us more than what we needed. They taught us to see the reality and be thankful of what we have as of the moment.

We don't own anything that is why we were always moving from one place to another. Much more when my father left us, we moved a lot just to find a place to live for 3 years. That 3 years changed me completely. Thosr years were my darkest times. I was completely lost and alone. There were people but they didn't understand how I felt. It felt like I was given a big responsibility that isn't fitting for my age. I matured at an early age. But did I really mature? or did I just go with the flow of life? Did it do me anything good? I think not. My childhood was stolen from me. I couldn't smile back then. I lied a lot not to make people worry about how I truly felt. I was lost and no one can help me because I didn't let anyone do so.

I grew up with so much hate and anger. I was hiding it by working hard and just focusing on my goals. What I accomplished means less to me since my heart is full of hatred. I was so envious to all people who can smile so brightly. I wish could do the same. But no matter how I tried, I felt so alone and sad. I was thinking, my life is so messed up that I want to end it in an instant.

I pushed through just to live. No matter how hard life is, I needed to survive. I've reached where I am now because of my determination and perseverance. But then again, healing is still a process. I am far from it. But I want to be healed. I just don't know how.