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The memory never stops hurting.

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Avatar for themastergamer
Written by   15
3 months ago

Almost two years and five months have passed in which my mind often feels so fragile and weak loss just remembering you, you were for me that spark in the soul that never stops shining within my being, you were that voice that always accompanied me in so many bitter moments of life and in my process of becoming the man I am today, I owe you my security, my emotional stability, I owe you becoming a character who always stayed strong and fixed all the problems that I had by your side. You taught me to be my own, someone who could build walls with thought, you illustrated life to me in the most real way, because it is like that, you never disguised it for me, you knew my stages where I was very sad or very happy and we both celebrated them singing while we cooked some crazy thing you saw on TV. My faithful companion of many laughs, more than calling you dad, you were my soul, my part of life that left the day you left, Billy, I died the day you died, my soul was consumed in such immense pain that I know the reason why I have had you so present lately, I feel your presence every day and you fill me with so much peace, so much calm, I know it is strange to say it but I feel that everything I have lived, you are the one who hugs me in the nights and you make me feel that everything will be fine because I sleep very peacefully, I rest with great joy, when I wake up I hear your footsteps, I can feel the aroma of your coffee in the morning, so many phrases come to my memory that you used to tell me in the morning and like forgetting the sound of my door to announce something that I had forgotten.

My daddy, it has been a short time that I have not had you by my side, but so eternal at the same time, it is impossible not to remember you in every song that I usually sing when I am doing something and they sound exactly when I am thinking of you, you immediately get to do presence at that moment and I hear how you can hum the same song next to me, and my sadness goes away, the fear that I may ever feel for life goes away, my insecurities go away, my pain goes away. I beg your pardon for letting them do what they wanted with my feelings, I beg your pardon because you made me brave, you made me worthy of a strong temper, and I forgot who I was, I'm sorry Billy, I'm very sorry, I feel that from the place that you saw me defeated, you saw me fall, you saw me get off that very high and safe barrier that you created for me, so that no one would hurt me, you saw me fall from the highest floor where you placed me to protect me, but I didn't get off, I fell, I fell alone, there is no one to blame, I only allowed all this, the rest was just an extra, I apologize because you worked so hard as a father so that I was fine and they managed to take advantage of a love to trample on it without caring nothing, I apologize a thousand times for seeing me as you saw me, the worst of all is that I know you would not have reproached me, on the contrary, you would have hugged me, said that you love me, and that everything was going to be fine, that everything it was going to be fixed, my greatest sadness is that i could have fixed it if your life was here, here with me, here keeping me company.

My friend, we went through so much that I can't believe you're not here, my friend, you are the light that continues to illuminate my path, you are that ironic laugh to tell me that I am doing things wrong, daddy you are the reflection in the mirror every time I look I don't know why I look more and more like you, I feel that my heart becomes soft, but my armor is still strong, I become kind like you, but strong at the same time, LOOK AT ME! I want you to look at me, I want you to see how my eyes fill with happiness when I talk about you, I don't cry with sadness, I cry with happiness because you don't suffer, before I used to look at myself and I was disgusted because I couldn't feel comfortable with what I saw , my vanity did not allow me, when I understood what I should do, you appeared, and now there is no more beautiful reality than seeing myself in the mirror and I see you, maybe it is not like that, but I see you, I smile, I spoke again of you, because I began to go out again to experience my life, I am going to pay you a beautiful tribute on Father's Day, they invited me to sing to fathers on their day and to sing to mine, when I heard that they had made me part of that I was moved, because I am going to sing with you and for you, I know that you will be there with me as in every moment of my life.

I never thought in life to say that my father is one of the lights that shines the brightest in the universe because I never thought he would go to shine elsewhere, he is also the funniest, the light that best cooked LOL, my dad filled me with so many magical moments because she never got mad at me, eternal war between my sister and me because she said that I was her favorite, but it wasn't like that, she loved us both equally. Mourning the loss of that part of your life is so inevitable, missing it every day in the world is something quite crude that you live without a doubt, it is a feeling of loss from which you will never recover, it hurts, it burns, it is a pain that it doesn't go away, my words flow through endless things that my mind creates to think what to say and what to feel when remembering you but I only stay with the thought that I always hope you are in a better place, where may your spirit be eternal, where you can continue to accompany me always, I have not asked you for anything since you left, your mission here is over, you flew to another direction, you must fulfill your mission in another place, just keep giving me that comfort that I feel when I mention your name because I miss you a lot, my Sundays are not the same without you, and there is not a Sunday that I do not think of you, thanks for accompanying me for 27 years, where I did not lack affection, the love of my father figure, I love you I will always love you, I will be eternally grateful for or who you were and your legacy in this family will never be forgotten, thank you for giving me the best last name in the world, I carry it with honor, just for having had the privilege of calling me your son. Goodbye Billy.

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Avatar for themastergamer
Written by   15
3 months ago
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Comments

Your post made me remember my father. He passed away year 2017 and my life was never been the same. I lost a person that will tell me the truth when it comes to decision making and I felt I was a coward.

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3 months ago