Chasing...❤️

September 30, 2022

8:12 evening

Hello dear writers, hope everyone is doing fine.

It's been a while since I have had this troubled mind and emotions, everything seems not fare for me this time. Some may see me as friendly, easy to deal with, and quiet but can listen all the time. They never know what's beyond that. When I'm out, I left my other self in the closet. Yes, I do have some issues, only a few know as in 1 or 2 people and it's not my family, they are the people that don't judge and can see and understand the true me.

As I write this here you are also part of it, because I can express my inner self here. Sometimes I think that it's time for me to get some help from the experts, like go to a Psychiatrist but how can I afford it? I'm broke. I have tried treating myself by reading motivational books, making myself busy, and being with people that make me feel happy. But it wasn't easy, it is just for temporary comfort.

It's hard to explain how much it damage me, and it inflicted me for a long time. As I remember, I'm sorry I don't recall now when it all began. The best and most wonderful time that I can recall that I love him so much more than myself. I can still feel the spark whenever I recall our first date and our first kiss (that was before). Now it seems that I'm chasing the spark not to fade away, but the more I push myself and patch every hole it seems that it's getting harder and harder.

It seems like having heartbreak with your first love, the feeling of happiness and pain when you gave birth to your firstborn, the loneliness when your parents die. I have read many motivational notes and watched psychological advice vlogs, I can't help myself not to be emotional but sometimes it comes out of nowhere. And sometimes I caught myself just staring outside the window even when I'm at work. I know it's killing sometimes, and I just wanted to be alone and sleep all my emotions away(but it doesn't go).

I have read these lines from the song of Adele, I know you also know this song "Chasing Pavements"

Should I give up

Or should I just keep chasing pavements?

Even if it leads nowhere

Or would it be a waste?

Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?

Should I what? it's a hard decision to make, and also one thing I read in Adele's interview about this song that it also hit me:

"It's me being hopeful for a relationship that's very much over. The sort of relationship you hate when you're in it, but miss when you're not."

Thank you for listening to me tonight. Wish you all well, good night everyone 😘