Who am I inside and outside of our house? That question keeps bothering me until now. Honestly, I don’t know how to answer that question. I am now thinking if I do have different personality whenever I am at home and whenever I am with my friends. Do I act differently? Maybe… How do they see me? How do I see myself?
It was a sunny afternoon when one of my closest friends told me that I am so serious when it comes to study. What makes them think like that? Maybe because they can see me holding a thick book whenever I go to school and reading it so early in the morning. But the real reason behind it is I did not review our lesson and we have an upcoming quiz that time. I finished all the episodes of the season one of Umaru that night. I did not regret my decision that time though because that’s my way to release my stress and of course, I knew the consequence after I chose that.
Then I asked my sister on how she sees me. She said that I am so focus at everything. I did not know that. She told me that whenever I opened my laptop to do my assignments, I can’t hear what they are telling to me. For instance, there’s this one time that she goes to our bedroom and ranting about something that did happened to her that day and all I just say is “Yeah, yeah” and I will just nod, that’s how I act according to her. Then I remember my close friend who told me that I am serious when it comes to study, maybe she was right? (sorry, I’m not so sure).
My sister also said that I do like to interfere with things but it is just because I do care about what they are doing. Like when my mother will eat a lot of rice. I would stop her because I know that it can be bad for her health as she can get diabetic with that. I did explain it to her but I think she get emotional because she thinks that I don’t want her to eat what she wants. It is hard though, it is hard for me to express myself to them.
I can see myself as a hot-tempered woman. I like to rant when I am mad on such stuffs. And I can easily get mad when I dislike some things or someone. But my best friend told me that she can see the good in me. And that really meant a lot for me. She said that I do bad things at times but she can see my reason why I did that.
I am so sensitive at times too, I can easily be hurt if you would tell such offending words but I am not going to burst in tears or go to the corner and suddenly got depressed. I will just shut my mouth and will think that maybe she/he did not mean what she/he said. Well, that’s how the world works, you can meet a person by chance that would make you feel upset but it just depends on us if we will resent that person or just forget about what that person said.
Back then, I can see myself as a rebel child because I always got in trouble when I am in my middle school. It was fun though, just kidding. And then, when I get home, my father will scold me although I did not start the fight. Well, trouble was always following me around. Whenever that happens, I will go to my Grandma’s house. And then, I will cry out loud to her.
“Lola, do you think I am now a rebel child? Am I bad because I usually get into fight?”, I asked her while still sobbing.
“Of course not, honey, who said that you are a rebel child? Who said that?! Lola will scold that person”, she jokingly said and I finally laughed, drying all the tears I had.
“Apo, you are so lovely into my eyes. Remember this, just avoid those bullies. Don’t come near them, alright?”, her voice was like a lullaby into my ears so I am always remembering those sentences in my mind. My relatives said that they can see me as a jolly and lovely person. Whenever I am at vacation in Lola’s house which is now, we considered as the “Family’s house” of all the relatives since my Lola died, I love pestering my Aunts, Uncles and my cousins out there, telling such silly jokes to make them laugh and playing outdoor games or board games with my cousins. I chose to be jolly and lovely for them though, I want them to see me in that character because I know all of them are still sad since my Lola’s death. I am hurting inside too, she was my favorite Lola after all. We’re so close and I really miss her.
When I am at my senior year, I begun to get conscious with my appearance. Thinking that I get bullied back then because of my big glasses and pimples. My dad gets me a dermatologist to heal my pimples. And so, it got healed. But that scenario led me to another level. I started to get obsessed with how I look. I was crying when I get even one pimple in my face. I am ‘that’ conscious which was so unhealthy. I was also a body conscious. I was going to gym four times a week. I was desperate to have that perfect body which I dreamed of. There’s this time that I was not eating at all, thinking that I will get fat if I will eat but the fact is, I was born skinny. My mother got mad at that moment, who wouldn’t right? I was killing myself. As expected, after that incident I got sick. And the first thing that I did is to pray to God. I said to him that give me one last chance and I will properly take care of my body like how he takes care of me. Fortunately, the findings were alright and my doctor just prescribed me some antibiotics and medicines for my stomach. Because of that happenings, I learned how to love myself. I do have a meal plan now and doing sufficient workouts. I am now living healthily, I owe my life to Him.
I am a religious person as my parents taught us to be one. They guide me and my siblings to know God which I am so thankful for because whenever I am at my lowest, He is my strength, whenever I have achievements, He let me achieve those. I will never get tired of asking for His forgiveness when I am at fault. I will never get tired of thanking Him that He gave me and my family, lives. I will never get tired to worship Him and I am proud of it.
Frankly, I am so eager to have a job but I am still studying. I am so eager to have a salary on my own. My friends are wondering why am I saving money if I can get it with my parents’ pockets. No, I hate that idea. I want to save money because I want to experience to give money to my parents. That is one of my dreams though, I want to see their smiles when I will give my first salary for them. I know it was a long way to go but I want to save for our future.
I really can’t figure out how I act with my friends and family because I think my personalities were just the same. I love to tell jokes, do some silly things, tell such stories, play games or watch movies and anime. I can do all those stuffs together with my friends or together with my family. Maybe, it is because I am so open with my family? Or maybe because I am considering my friends as my family too? Actually, my family knew all my friends and I do always get permission if we hang out but most of the time, I am just staying at our home because simply I love to stay at home although I have a lot of different circles of friends and they love to invite me to come over and hang out, I sometimes come with them but it is just that I prefer to stay at home because my friends and I can see each other again at school so I chose to just spend my time with my family at weekends or go to our Family’s house.
So, I guess this is me, I love to do such crazy things, hot-tempered and sensitive woman, loves to study to achieve my goals, conscious with my appearance but now in moderate, a religious person and I love to be with my family and friends.
Credits for the lead image:
