What If You Have No "Actual" Friends?

It's hard to accept that you're only friends with those who are in your class and you don't actually have friends outside of it. It's like they all have best friends that they can call and go out to have lunch but when it's you, you have no one by your side. It's like being an orphan or even a biological child where you're parents have their own "set" of kids and you're the black sheep of the family. It's hard to "fit in" in a group where you differ but it's way harder to "fit in" in a group where no one actually wants you to be part of.

Growing up, I don't really have that many friends. Although when I was young I do hang out and chat with some kids in my neighborhood, as time passed by, everything changed. I have a friend that I consider as my best friend in school since we always talk and we sit beside each other during class but it all changed during the last leg in grade school. I was involved in a fight where I reported that some girls in my room were trying to cheat in an exam, alongside my other friend. This group of girls answered an exam even before the exam was given to the whole class. We videotaped it and we showed it to one of our teachers. I actually didn't know why we were the ones to blame when we were just trying to fix an evil deed. When we were being bullied by those girls, I was outraged, and worse is that I didn't actually see my best friend with me during those times. I didn't bother to apologize to the girls since I know I did the right thing and I think, it actually got into those girls since they were the ones who actually step up first to say sorry so there will be no more elephant in the room. We were back on good terms and it was a great feeling.

However, after that circus scenario, I found out that my so-called "best friend" was the one who said that it was my plan to report those girls. She said it to my face when we were in a park and I didn't say anything. Right then on, even if I want to talk to her again, I didn't bother to at least make an effort for us to speak. It got to me that I shouldn't be spending much time with the people who will be with the popular ones instead of the real ones. Well, those popular ones do have a real side but to be a traitor in a friendship that we built for over 6 years is never worth an acceptance of the apology.

When I got into a new school, it was a whole set of friends again. If I have to be honest, even if I had a roller coaster ride during my high school days, I can say that I didn't have that many problems when it comes to friendship. I have friends who go to my house most of the time to bond and we had a good time during those moments. Of course, there will be bad eggs in life but we sail across it to be safe once again.

Transitioning to college, I did have friends as well but, of course, and still, I was not the "main" friend. Since I came from the province and I don't know anyone from the area I stayed in, except my relatives, I had a hard time talking to people. I was not a confident person so it's difficult to speak up. I do ask questions since I need answers because I am new to the area. The only time I had to visit the school was during the exams and I went straight home after that because it's a city. It was a rough adjustment but it was needed to be able to push through everything that will happen. Although in my set of a friend, I find that maturity that I'm looking for in terms of problems and pieces of advice. What's great about it is since me and my friends were in a class full of boys, we didn't even bother to look at ourselves in the mirror most of the time. Although we fix ourselves up in terms of appearance, the boys can't be bothered so it was an advantage to not look that good when you go to class.

What's not great about having friends is that it's hard for one to adjust to a situation. For me, since the pandemic happened and I had to go back to the province, I have to stay at home most of the time. Even though it is really a good thing that you stay home for safeties, it doesn't apply to most situations. There are times that you will have to get out and do some stuff like fixing documents or buying groceries. And in terms of school and studies, you can't really go to your classmate's house to do work. There are moments that in our area, the strictness is not that high since the local government does try their best to not let anyone from other places come. And since it wasn't that strict, we are allowed to go out. But since it has been almost four years since I went to college, it is hard to speak to your "friends" again. Either they are all busy or you are the one who is busy.

The thought of friendship isn't a good thing for me because every time I think about it, it hurts my mind that I have no real friends to be with.