I Think I Have PTSD

I thought it only happens in movies where the main character experience this type of syndrome. It's a condition where very often the character seems to have flashbacks of the bad events that happened in the past to the point where everything just breaks down.

I find it hard to believe and somehow accept that I have a disorder where my mind just simply controls itself without me knowing about it.

PTSD or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is a condition where a person or an individual gets triggered by a horrifying event in the past. It may be an accident that someone saw or something that happened, that any human doesn't want to be. I researched about this once but I never knew that I could easily justify that I think I have this mental health condition. I am not any science or health expert so I can't really say that I have this one but as I looked through hundreds of research and articles on the internet, I get scared little by little as I read them. It happens when someone finds it hard to move on or cope up with that terrifying event. Although I have read that most of the events that may trigger this condition are those that are really traumatizing like sexual abuse or a car accident or a terrorist attack, I still think that what happened to me can be considered as a traumatizing part of my life.

Since I was a child, my father likes to flirt. Maybe he's missing the part of his life where he just wants to go around with girls and not take any responsibility and just enjoy life. I witnessed my mother crying over him which, at that time, I find really painful, but now I find it really bizarre. As I transition to High School, my father started a job at another place. I kept telling myself that the reason why he doesn't go home for Christmas or any other important celebrations in our family is that he has to work as a Security Guard in an establishment. I know that security guards are very important during the Holidays in malls or restaurants since many people are about to celebrate and just bond with their family. I have to admit that I was too naïve with everything and it hurts my soul right now. I actually had to slap myself for bringing him into my graduation ceremony instead of my mother. He doesn't really deserve to be in that important moment of my life.

When I went to college, I had a lot of male classmates in the room. One of them I find hard to be friends with since I don't feel his vibe and it's hard for me to at least talk to him. He's friendly and actually funny when it comes to jokes and stuff. However, everything changed when we were in a laboratory and we had to do a networking exercise and he said something that I didn't like. I forgot what the topic was but then he said that "If a married man can cheat, then those who aren't wearing any ring can too." I remember my friend who I was partnered with at that time saying that he should never say that because the kids are always caught in the middle. I know she also sensed the bad vibe since I talked to her about what's going on between me and my father. After that statement from his mouth, I never dared to talk to him again. I know that he's a good guy, a loving boyfriend to his girlfriend, and actually an intelligent student, but if he is thinking in the right manner, he would never say that, even if it's meant to be a joke.

Another mind-boggling thing is that I had a friend, she's like the mid-50s and I enjoy her company as I take a quick break before my next class in school. As we chat, I talked to her about my father whom I don't share a room with and she said that maybe since we don't live under the same roof, he's living with another girl. I keep on defending him against other people who say that he's cheating but turns out they are right. When I confronted his mistress, instead of having an apology from her, she just said that I have to "accept it" and "move on". For someone like me who didn't experience any evil things around me since I grew up in a conservative family and both of my parents don't curse and stuff, I witnessed a very horrible nightmare at that time. When I talked to him about it, he never even said anything to be sorry and I felt like he planned everything and just thought that maybe I will just accept what he did.

That night I didn't bother to text him anymore. I just chat him if I need something, just for him to at least be responsible father, even if he doesn't deserve to be called that word.

When the pandemic happened, my father did give us money in order to survive but it isn't enough since everything is expensive. I know that I have to be grateful for everything but it pains me when I know that he's also supporting his other family better than us. He came home last Holidays but didn't even bother to actually see or talk to us. But what really concerning is the fact that when I heard the news that he went home, since my mother, little brother and I are living in my grandparent's house, after five minutes of hearing that news, I started crying. I was in a group meeting at that time so it's hard for me to focus. I didn't really know why I cried since it's like it just happened with no explanation. When I was crying, my mind went into a complete flashback, from the time I confronted his mistress to the time I confronted him up to the ignorance of his responsibility on us.

What actually is worse than having to cry all of a sudden is that I find it hard to trust people nowadays. I have downloaded an app where I thought I can somehow make friends, even if it's just on the internet. However, it's hard for me to say anything. Like if they reply to some of my messages, it's hard for me to find the motivation to at least answer back, to the point that most of my pals just started ignoring me and getting angry at me. I know that it's rude to not reply since it's like you're being mean or it looks like you are on top of everybody else and you don't have time to talk, but I was really trying my best to get that eagerness back.

I know that a disorder shouldn't be put into someone without proper medication or treatment or tests so I can't conclude something for now. And besides, I don't really have the money to make an appointment with an expert.

If there's any medical expert here in the field of mental health conditions or if you know anyone, please let me know your thoughts about this. I'm getting kind of scared since I know that this will affect me badly and worse if I don't get proper treatment.