The Negatives In Me

I've always thought, and I'm adamant that there is nothing wrong with me. I've been contemplating before about the negatives in me, but I can't think of one - which I recently realized that such a way of thinking is negative in the first place.

We all have negative and positive traits. Having a lot of positive traits is good and sometimes, it is hard to accept the negatives in us. But being able to realize your negative traits and fully embrace them is much better because once you accept them, you can try to hone the negatives and make it into a positive trait and as a result you will become a better person.

Thinking about it, one of the negative things about me is being a perfectionist. I was raised in an environment where they made me feel like there is no room for mistakes for me. I'm the eldest daughter, so I can't make mistakes because it can be a mirror of my younger siblings, and they might do the same too. So I have to make sure to be the perfect example. When I was still a student, I'm always afraid of reciting, not because I don't know the answer, but because I don't want to make a mistake while speaking. Every time I take exams, I never show the results to my parents if I don't get perfect scores because instead of praises, I either get some scolding or the looks of my mom who clearly shows disappointment. So I decided I have to be the perfect daughter.

Perfectionism is sometimes good, but it also negative at times. It hinders me to do things as fast as I could because I always try to make sure that everything is perfectly done.

I'm at the right age to date and get married but perfectionism hinders me to get into a relationship. I'm aware of the fact that there is no perfect person, I'm not perfect too. But everytime I get closer to someone from the opposite sex and sees their negative traits, I become easily disappointed to the point that I just want to cut off ties with them. I'm not perfect and I feel that no one will be the perfect match for me as well.

Another trait that I consider negative is being tenacious. 

A dictionary defined tenacious or tenacity as "persistent determination".

If you think about it, this is actually a good trait because tenacity allows a person to be determined to do something until his or her goal is reached. A tenacious person will strive to reach a goal despite the difficulties he may face along the way.  But tenacity can also be negative because it can make a person stubborn. 

I am tenacious and it affects me both in a positive and negative way. Back in high school and in college, I set goals for myself which is to get high grades in certain subjects. Projects will always be a part of a student's life, and since I'm not good in recitation, I make sure to pull it off with my exam and project results and because of that I tend to study until late at night and I make projects until morning. I know not sleeping the entire night then taking a bath and going to school early is not good for my health and I always get a heap of scolding from my health-conscious dad too.

Then after college, I landed a full time job at a BPO company and at the same time I was also volunteering to teach the deaf and mute full time. Volunteering means I have to take money out of my own pocket. But I love doing both so I worked at night and volunteers during the day and I only have half a day of rest every week. A lot of my friends are telling me to go easy on myself, but because I have goals, I was very stubborn and didn't listen to anyone's advice. Even when I am sick, I go to work. For two weeks I had fever, headache, cough and cold but I still go to work. I was one of the top-performer at work and I will be a total loss if I don't go to work, so I still work even when I'm sick. And I did it because I have goals. So tenacity affects me in a negative way because once I put my mind on doing something, nothing can stop me - even sickness will never make me refrain from doing things, not until I reach my goals.

I'm a great procrastinator. Contrary to being tenacious, once I don't have a specific goal and I don't find something really valuable, I tend to procrastinate a lot. Sometimes, I don't want to exert effort in doing things especially when I can't find any motivation to do so.

These are just few of the negative things I noticed about myself. I admit that until now, I still don't know myself that much. I am also trying my best to make these negative traits into positive and I know that it can't be done overnight, but needs a lot of time.

Thank you for reading!