Early Goodbye

I suddenly thought of her when I read @Ruffa 's article Gone So Young. This is not related to her topic, but her article's title caught my attention and I decided to write something about it.

This is about my dear older cousin who was gone so young.

Her name is Joycie, her friends call her Joyce but I simply call her ate Diday, only those who are really close to her calls her that and she doesn't want her classmates to find out what we call her because it is an ugly nickname. When we are still in elementary, she doesn't want me to find her during recess and lunch break and call her with her nickname. Nevertheless, we are still very close.

We literally grew up together, she lived with our grandparents and when grandma died, they moved in with us. Growing up, we did a lot of craziness together. I remember that time when a bakery owner borrowed money from our uncle, our uncle told grandma not to ask that debtor to pay back with cash, instead it can just be paid with bread and other stuffs from the bakery, so that grandma won't have to worry about what to feed the workers for snack. When we found out about it, we secretly asked for bread from the bakery and tells them to add it on the list to pay off the debt. We did it many times every time we play bahay-bahay (play house) without telling mom and grandma. We would then go to my grandparent's land where a lot of cacao and mango trees are planted, climb a mango tree and there, we would eat the bread we asked from the bakery. One time, grandma sent me on an errand to go to the bakery to get some snacks for the gardener and the cleaner, but they didn't give me some because the debt was already paid off. Grandma was surprised because the total amount of merchandise we got there is only one fourth or probably one half the amount of the debt. That's when they found out about what we've been doing. We we're scolded and spanked, but I only got a little of spanking because I told them, ate Diday was the one who influenced me to do it. We didn't talk for three days after that.

Time flew so fast and we were already in high school. I was in second year when she transferred to my school because she was kicked out of her school. That time I was a mean teenager, so I told her not to get too close to me at school. Still, she got herself a lot of friends because she's very friendly. But when she's already in fourth year, her friends became a bad influence to her. There are a lot of instances that they didn't attend their classes just to hang out and drank alcoholic beverages. How did I found out? She's telling me about it because she knows I won't tell my parents. I became an accomplice of her 'crimes' but little did we know that papa knows everything. He is just waiting for my cousin to confess her sins. She confessed after graduation.

She got into college. That time, she's no longer staying with us. She stayed with another uncle who paid her tuition, but that uncle is very lenient compared to my father, he allows her to do anything she wants and she was even allowed to stay on a boarding house at the town where her university is located. Little did our uncle know that aside from studying she's hanging out with her friends and partying at different bars almost every single day. That time, my cousin doesn't know yet of it's impact to her own body and health. Her unhealthy lifestyle continued for years. I lost contact with her for several years because I was also busy with my studies and though we're close, I know that she won't be a good influence to me anymore. I kept my distance.

In 2016, a younger cousin sent me a message saying that our cousin, ate Diday is dying. It seems like she inherited her father's DNA who died of the same illness. Her whole body became swollen and she stayed at the hospital for weeks. Thankfully, she managed to survive that year. In 2017, she thought that she's already fully cured, so she went back to her old lifestyle - drinking and partying. She thought that everything's already fine with her health. She even got pregnant, but little did she know that her illness is already terminal, at the end of that year, she fell ill again. She lost her baby and she had kidney failure again. She was sent to the same hospital and the only option is for her to undergo hemodialysis twice a week, the family had to spend Php. 5,000 ($100) for each session.

She knows that her time to say goodbye to her loved ones is getting near, while at the hospital, she kept asking her mom to let me and our other cousin who's also close to her to pay a visit. I visited and stayed with her at the hospital for a night and I saw her suffering, it hurts to see her, but I can't help but to blame her too for exploiting her body. It hurts to see her dying, but in my mind I was blaming her for not taking of herself. I blamed our uncle for not disciplining her like what papa does. But then, what can I do? She's already dying. The bills are piling up, so she was transferred to the biggest public hospital in the city. I saw her pain during her hemodialysis. I saw her suffer when I spent another night at the hospital to watch over her. I can't bear the smell of the hospital but I decided to stay with her.

Days passed and thankfully she managed to survive. She was released from the hospital but she had to go back every week for the hemodialysis. Then one day she decided that she no longer want to do it. She doesn't want to bother everyone. She decided to stay with us instead of her mom's second family. She kept asking my parents for forgiveness, to forgive her for disobeying them during high school, for not listening to my father who cared so much about her. Every night, she wants to sleep with my parents and cuddle with them and every night, they saw her suffer.

After spending two weeks at home, she decided to go back to the town where we lived when we were little and after a week, we received a sad news - that ate Diday has passed away. It was a very sad news for all of us though we already expected it. Papa cried a lot that day, one of his beloved nieces is already gone. She was only 25 when she passed away.

One thing I learned about her experience is no matter how annoying my parents are, I should obey them because they only want what's the best for me. Even though we're not always on the same page, they care about me a lot. And as for ate Diday, she will always have a place in our hearts.

This is taken in 2011, we sneaked out and went to the river without asking permission from my mom.We made memories before I moved to the other province for college.

Our last photo taken in 2019. This is also our last outing as a family in January. She passed away 3 months after this photo was taken.