Do you make life difficult for yourself with perfection?

Perfectionism is reflected in the expectation of oneself to achieve perfection in everything we do, to achieve everything from the first time, easily and without mistakes. For some people, this attitude leads to high results, but the price is too high. The fear of making a mistake during the work process diminishes the satisfaction that an activity can give us. Even when the goal is achieved, there is no satisfaction, because a mistake can always be found. Some others, in whom p

onism is even more pronounced, achieve less than they could, waste time dealing with irrelevant details and make more mistakes in the desire to avoid mistakes. The main problem with a perfectionist attitude is that people who have it do not differentiate between themselves and the results of their work. If the job is done perfectly - they are perfect, if the job is done wrong - they are wrong. That is a fallacy.

We are not the same as our actions. We are doing something better, something less well, something is not going well for us, and it is important to allow ourselves to be like that, instead of tormenting ourselves with too high standards and expectations.

Having high standards and striving for quality in work and life is fine, as long as we do not set them as a measure of our value. And as long as we are aware that mistakes and failures are inevitable and do not say anything about us and our qualities.

Perfectionism most often arises as a consequence of too much conditional and too little unconditional love during growing up. Too much criticism and too little praise. Criticisms of being instead of behavior also affect the development of a perfectionist attitude. "You are incompetent / stupid / crazy" instead of "You didn't study enough and that's why you got a bad grade / Be a little more careful / Try harder and you will succeed" leads to the construction of perfectionist criteria instead of realistic ones.

Children then experience reaching perfection and avoiding mistakes as a struggle for parental love, which for them is equal to a matter of life and death. When we grow up, we adopt those standards and continue to be too strict with ourselves. We condition our love for ourselves with our achievements.

How to get rid of perfectionism? First, of course, admit to ourselves that we have perfectionist tendencies. Then, make a decision to change such an attitude and to have realistic expectations of ourselves in the future. This change takes time and conscious efforts are needed to bring about change. We need to pay attention to what we expect from ourselves, to recognize when we are too strict and to reduce criteria and expectations. Instead of telling ourselves "Everything I do must be perfect / at the highest level", it is okay to expect ourselves to complete the task well enough and to allow ourselves to be satisfied with it. It is also important to differentiate the importance of certain tasks and jobs and to get rid of the "all or nothing" approach. "Either work properly or don't work at all." It's better to replace. "I'll do the best I can in these circumstances." Remind yourself that perfection is unattainable and that it is okay for what you do to be good enough. Pay attention to everything you do well and praise yourself for it. Acknowledge your successes and achievements, although imperfect, they are yours and good enough. Allow yourself to make mistakes, remind yourself that you, like all other human beings, have the right to make mistakes and fail. Perfectionists view perfection as a path to love and acceptance. They believe that to be perfect and not to sin is a condition for being loved. And that's how they distance themselves from other people. They avoid intimacy because they are afraid that others will reject them when they see their imperfection. Other people find it difficult to relax next to them, because in contact with them they themselves are aware of their imperfection.

When we allow ourselves to make mistakes, we can be more relaxed, but then others in our society also feel more relaxed and pleasant.

You can encourage yourself with these sayings every day, and in that way bring your attitude from the perfectionist to the realistic over time: "It's not worth being free if it doesn't include the freedom to make mistakes." Mahatma Gandhi "He who works makes mistakes." "Learn from your mistakes." "Ideals are like stars. We can't reach them, but we can orient ourselves towards them. " "Imperfection is not our personal problem, imperfection is a natural part of our existence." Tara Brach When you make a mistake or fail at something, instead of blaming yourself and declaring yourself incompetent, analyze the situation, see what you did well, what you can learn from the mistake and what you can do better / differently next time. Like all great goals, this goal, liberation from perfectionism, is possible and easier to achieve if we divide it into smaller ones and take steps towards it every day. For this goal, it is especially important to notice small changes and to praise and reward ourselves for every not perfect, but good enough step towards it.