So I walk alone...
At night time, while I´m under my covers and hugging my pillow that´s all I can think of. Let me die.
The cheer thought of ceasing to exist gives me the chance to breathe peace, or at least a kind of peace, after all, death is part of living, its transcendence to another plane, a place where you get relieved of all your earthy problems and finally rest.
It´s only natural to think about death when you are in a state of total vulnerability. When you are confined to a bed, struggling to breathe because of the pain, because of the fever, because of all the burdens and responsibilities that fall upon you. It´s natural to think about a way out when everything comes pouring down in little pieces and you just want it all to stop. I have felt like this many times in my lifetime, but this time is different, I don´t want a way out of my own accord, I want God to take me.
Years ago I tried to do it myself, I took a knife, aimed at my torso, and got ready to plunge it in. But I couldn´t, I was afraid, not of dying, I was afraid of what that would do to my family. I can´t even begin to describe all the thoughts that passed through my head at the time, my mom, my dad, my brothers, and sisters, all of them having to deal with the consequences of my suicide, and I was getting ready to drop the knife when I was found and stopped. Never did it again, though it has been years of battling with depression I guess I´m blessed that I haven´t fallen into a downfall of destruction in a world that has many options at one's disposal.
Now, I just look up, at the starry skies and think, God, Please take me, make it all end, make it all stop. I never say it out loud, I don´t want anybody but him to hear me, and I don´t want to worry my family more than they already are, after all, they are my rock, my support, my all. I live and breathe for them, not for me, because the truth is, I don´t want to breathe for me anymore.
I feel trapped and alone. I feel like walking alone in the streets where I can see everything and nobody sees me. I feel invisible, I feel broken, I feel useless, I feel doomed to walk alone on behalf of others, like cosmic karma I´m paying for my sins and the sins of everyone. I just want not to feel anymore, no pain, no anguish, no sorrow. No more battles, no more victories, only rest, just rest.
Do you know that you can be surrounded by many people and yet find yourself more alone than ever? People who love you and cherish you and are with you in your sadest and darkest moments, and still, you feel alone. And the shame kicks in, you feel ungrateful, like an unappreciative carcass with no soul or a beating heart.
What´s the point of living then? Wouldn´t be better if it all just ends?. It reminded me the 53 verse of Adonais which I read a long time ago, and says:
Why linger, why turn back, why shrink, my Heart?
Thy hopes are gone before: from all things here
They have departed; thou shouldst now depart!
A light is passed from the revolving year,
And man, and woman; and what still is dear
Attracts to crush, repels to make thee wither.
The soft sky smiles,—the low wind whispers near:
'Tis Adonais calls! oh, hasten thither,
No more let Life divide what Death can join together.
Isn´t that a sweet relief?? I think so, no more tears or screams building up in my eyes and chest pressing to get out and finding no release, just silence, and the room to breathe and be yourself forever without retaliations or remorse. What a beautiful thought. A futile one.
I can ask over and over again to cease to exist and it´s not up to me although we are all meant to say goodbye at one point, and rest sure I won´t do anything to speed up the process, I´m not built that way. So for the time being, I keep enduring this cold mortality, seeking, maybe for another who can walk with me in light or darkness, so I feel less broken, but for now I walk alone.
Please do not worry about me, I´m fine, recovering from a Fibro crisis, plus a family crisis and of course, a money crisis. As I said above, I won´t do anything to hurt myself by any means, I´m not built like that. I´ll keep working on my recovery, and finding a way to feel not too empty, more fulfilled you might say, I don´t know.
Right now these are my thoughts and feelings and you are my confessionary, the depositary of my darkest thoughts, in an effort that they resolute themselves or simply go away.
See you next time.
Friday, October 28th, 2022.