The Agony of Waiting

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Avatar for rayselp
2 years ago

I think I'm getting tired of waiting.

I just turned 33 last week. Gosh, I realized, I've been in the academe for a decade now. I started out as a young 23 years old who came from a job that's neither related to the course that I took in college and the work that I am about to venture on which is becoming a teacher.

I took on the job of teaching because I wanted something to change in my life. It was a gamble. I didn't know how to become a teacher, I have no experience, whatsoever, only a desire to learn, and a desire to change my direction, and change my location.

I was raised in a broken family. I have never experienced living with both my biological parents. When my maternal grandparents died, I had to choose where to live - with my mother or with my father. I chose the latter. When I live with my father, he was too strict that I end up doing things that are not approved of, but still, I stayed in the route that I have to take, finish high school, and leave the province and pursue a college degree in a faraway place of Los Banos, Laguna.

My waiting time has finally ended when at long last, I will be leaving the doors of my house and be able to gain freedom from my father's strictness, or so I thought.

When I entered the university, I was culture-shocked! But I think I became a better person as this was the time that I got to know and accepted Christ as my personal Lord and Savior. This was something that is dreaded by my father who is also "recruiting" me to be part of his faith/church.

Anyway, my college life was filled with memories, ups and downs, friendships that come and go, and friendships that stayed and remained until today. I was not the brightest among my batch, I have failed Trigonometry, and almost failed Chemistry... but I continued fighting and proving that I am worthy to be in that prestigious university. I was not able to finish my degree in four years. I had a pending thesis manuscript that needs to be written, checked, edited, and submitted. It was the second time that I have to wait for me to achieve my college diploma. I was extended for a year, summer of 2008, first semester 2008-2009, second semester 2008-2009, enrolling only 1 unit for each semester.

I entered the university as a young freshman at 16 years old, and graduated 5 years later. Well, they say quality education takes time. My waiting time has finally ended when thankfully, I became part of the graduating class of 2009. The class that were soaked wet in rainwater. Lol.

If there's a short time that I've waited, that is when I landed on my first job as a project coordinator of a budding non-government organization. But the waiting part happened while I was part of the staff. I received a considerable amount for a fresh graduate, but I realized, it's leading me nowhere. I stayed for 2 years in the NGO, commenced with a national event in ULTRA Pasig and exited my way to become a teacher.

Now, here I am, 10 years - still in the institution that led me out of Los Banos. I've started out as a neophyte, I can say someone who is totally clueless of what to do and how to do it, but is willing to learn and gamble my passion for learning and inspiring young learners. I can bravely say that I've improved in this craft, from the clueless person who did not have any background knowledge on pedagogical styles, I can now tell much of it based on my experience, however, I can agree that I am still learning new things about the art of teaching and learning, every single day.

I accepted my 5th-year service award, and I looked back and reflected on what have I learned during those times, I think it was a combination of hard work, and "luck" as my bosses have seen the potential in me that they let me stay. In my sixth year up until now, I am waiting for something to happen - I am not sure what that is, but I think I am grooming myself for better things ahead of me.

I am super intimidated by the caliber of people that I work with. They are good, excellent teachers, fully knowledgeable of their subject matter. I honestly tend to compare myself with them, and I see myself as just someone who's going with the flow, and actually trying to stay afloat and relevant in the sea of impossibilities. I took my master's degree and carried on with the challenge of finishing it with flying colors, I was also thinking that this can get me to become promoted and have a bigger amount of salary, but well, hmm, it did not happen, unfortunately. I was being promoted one step at a time until this year, it was no promotion for everyone due to the pandemic. Then, it hit me.

How long will I wait to be able to cross the line, the levels? I am getting tired of waiting, I am telling myself. But, if I quit, where will I be? That's another question that I am also asking myself when random thoughts of quitting makes its whispers to my ears.

Then, just a few days ago, I received an email. It says that I've been nominated as part of the selection for management roles in the institution. I initially laughed, because, well, here are my thoughts:

"What? Are you kidding? Why me? Are you serious?"

I do not see myself becoming an administrator as I think I'm too young to become one and lead a whole bunch of people having different personalities. Okay, maybe I'm a bit overthinking it. But, well, yes, why am I even included? Then, I realized someone noticed me, my potential, someone nominated me because someone believed in me.

I received the email on June 2, and we are to submit our info sheet on June 5, at 12 noon. I waited until June 5 to finally decide if I will submit my info sheet or not.

June 5, 11 am. I've submitted my info sheet. I submitted because I've been here for 10 years, and I was looking for a change... something that would take me to a different course, something different, something challenging. I never realized that I was waiting for this to happen when this opportunity actually knocked on my door, right before my very eyes.

Yes, it's true that I am not confident with my abilities, but maybe I am wrong because someone believed in me, and I owe it to him/her to take the first step, and see where this leads me. I am not saying that I am the sure "winner" in the selection process, but this is just the start of another journey... and here I am thinking and telling myself...

Am I really tired of waiting?

God says in His word to Wait on Him and have courage, and He will strengthen me, if I only wait on Him.

Thank you for reading!

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Avatar for rayselp
2 years ago