I am such a crybaby.

Today, I cried...

Yes, it's super normal to cry, right? But, is it still normal when I tell you that I cried in front of my Japanese supervising teacher?

As some of you may already know, I am currently in Japan as a teacher training student under their government scholarship. I am one of the lucky ones who were able to join the roster of scholars coming to Japan for exposure to their educational institution and research. I am considered lucky because I am here as a scholar, which means, they provide me with a monthly stipend and I only have to be a good student, and from time to time, communicate in Japanese (I am trying, okay.) I can say that I am really grateful for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

After my application and acceptance, I realized that I can do part-time work but should not exceed more than 28 hours per week. Knowing this made me happy since I get to receive additional compensation so I can save more (or so I thought). On the other hand, when I asked about this from my university, they said that the university does not allow scholars to do part-time jobs as the amount of scholarship money being given to us is enough for our living expenses. I was confused at first, but I found this a bit alarming because I really wanted to apply for a part-time due to the current situation that my family is experiencing.

After a few weeks, the student affairs division sent an email allowing us, international students, to do part-time jobs as long as we meet the guidelines. First, fill out the form, and then seek permission from our supervising teacher, then go to immigration to grant a work permit, and find a suitable part-time.

It's so easy, right?

So, last week, I went to the student affairs section to get hold of the form, and then filled it out with the necessary information like my name, my current status in the university, my monthly "income", and monthly expenditure, the reason why I needed to have a part-time job, the kind of part-time job that I would like to apply for, and my signature.

I did not give it yet to my sensei last week because I wanted to tell him, in person, about this current development which allows us to do a part-time job. I also scheduled it on the day when we'll meet to discuss my research project.

So, that discussion was today. I had queries regarding my research and how can I conduct it, will I be able to gather data and other important and relevant information about my research from different stakeholders, etc. So, we had a good discussion, there were some things that I can't do, but I will make the most out of the resources that I have.

And then, when we were about to end, I told him I have one more concern that I wanted to discuss with him. I told him about the recent development regarding international students who wish to apply for a part-time job, and that the university is already allowing us to do it given we meet the guidelines. I was a bit ecstatic because the first I told him about it, he said to ask the staff from student affairs. This was thinking that he will allow it as long as the university does. But, I guess, I assumed it all wrong.

I told him that I've from the start of the 28-hour part-time work per week rule for international passport holders and that I was a bit shocked when I've known that the university does not allow it. I also told him my reason which I mentioned in the first email that I sent him. It looked a bit apprehensive, especially when he told me that when I applied for this program, I should have already known my current status - that I am a student, and I should work around the amount that I will be receiving.

In that moment, I actually froze and in my mind, I am beginning to accept that I can't apply for a part-time job. And then, out of nowhere, I just told him that I understand if I am not allowed, but given the circumstance that I am currently facing...

and then, oh my goodness!

...I started to cry.

While crying and wiping my eyes, and not showing him my face coz I was trying to cover it with a paper folder, I told him that this can really help me because we are selling the lot that our mother owns, and that I needed to help in supporting my siblings' education...

and I still cried but in my mind, I was telling myself to stop, and it's unprofessional, and say sorry, and stop crying.

It didn't.

I appreciate him coz when I was telling him I am sorry for being too emotional right now, he said, it's fine. And then he got my filled-out form and the guidelines from the university.

In the end, I told him, I completely understand if you will not allow me to apply for a part-time job. I really wanted to, but I don't want him to think that I am being overly dramatic over this, well, I really am. But, I don't want to give him the impression that I am just using my emotions to convince him to allow me to do a part-time job.

Well, it's over now. It's already been done. I can tell him again and again how sorry I was for being too emotional, but I can't turn back time and not cry, you know. I guess, I just showed him that I am a person with emotions, that I am fighting despite the challenges that I am facing, and that I can still work on my research without compromising it for it is my topmost priority.

I am such a crybaby. It's funny, but I will not apologize for being such.