It's been days that I struggle to write on this platform. I am running out of ideas, of experiences to tell you.
I wanted to type in the letters, I have two drafts here that I haven't published yet because I know that they're incomplete. One is a story that I'm not sure how will go about. I just had an idea, but I don't know how to sustain it.
Why is it as if I'm just good at doing something in the beginning? And when the going gets tough, I begin to lose my motivation and will to be excellent, and do good? Maybe because I'm an extrovert, my motivation is fanned up due to external factors. I am not sure, is it about the money? affirmation? applause from people who don't know me?
Maybe all of those mentioned above, but even though I get to receive such, I still lose my motivation to write.
Maybe I am just tired.
I've been working a two jobs - a full-time job, and a part-time job. The part-time job makes me so tired for I have to become energetic in meeting the children as I teach them, with the use of animated voice while smiling all throughout. It sucks all my energy. I actually still don't know why I'm doing it - pride maybe, I don't really know. All I know is that is somehow gives me extra income, so, I am still working here and in July 7, I will be in my second month. Oh, how time flies.
Last Friday until yesterday, I attended a virtual seminar-workshop for evaluating learning materials in a publishing house. This is part of the hiring process of developmental evaluators for modules and special projects. As an assignment, we are to initially evaluate a material that should be submitted before 8 am later today, June 28.
Before I came here, I've just finished evaluating the material as part of the requirements. I know it was not my best, but I still did it anyway, and still submitted it (scheduled at 6 am later).
See? I tell you I am lacking motivation, yet I still do the things that are expected of me to do. I am still opening slots for my part-time job, I am going to attend the meeting tomorrow in my full-time job, I will be submitting the evaluated material in another part-time job, and I am writing this article here at 12:57 in the morning.
Am I really demotivated? Or I'm just tired?
Maybe I am just tired. I need inspiration, I need someone who would accompany me, or hold me and hug me and massage my neck coz it's too painful now. Or perhaps someone who would just make a random call and just be there talking to me, or even not talking to me, as long as he is present.
Is that what I really need? Is that what would motivate me? Is that what would make me feel less restless?
Maybe, I am not sure.
I am not sure of a lot of things, but I am sure of what I want - understanding, affection, intimacy, affirmation, care, service, time, most importantly, love.
When will I get these without asking for them?
You see, I feel demotivated again.
What should motivate me?
Self-love. Why do you still depend on your happiness based on other people? Why can't you be happy by just feeding yourself with things that would truly make you happy?
Family. You cannot choose your family. They maybe sometimes too hard to understand but at the end of the day, they're still your family. And at the end of the day, they're the ones who will never leave you, who will always support you without any form of judgment.
Growth. There's always room for growth. You are tired but think about it if you didn't try to do something new, then you would just be exactly where you are. If you want to leave and take a break from all the familiar things that surround you, then, by all means... do it.
Beauty in the Summit. There will always be hardships, complaints, rants, misunderstandings, bumps along the road, hindrances that can arise here and there, just walk towards your goal - to reach the summit. For in there, you will see the beauty and consequence of all the hardships that you have to encounter before you reach the top.
God tells you to be excellent in everything that you do. You are on a journey called life. It is not easy, but remember, you are not home yet. Better days are coming.
Thanks for reading!
