Doubt your doubts.

If there's one word that would encapsulate what describes my life right now is the word doubt.

Sure, I've been talking about faith, hope, and love... but I am also diving into a sense of uncertainty. Does this mean that I have no faith? No, not at all.

Here's why:

I've mentioned before that I am a worrier and an over-thinker. I tend to think about the possible consequences of whatever decision I will be making. I would like to see myself as a happy-go-lucky person, but because of too much worrying, I always tend to prepare for a lot of options, which sometimes would also lead me to exhaustion and confusion.

Because of these varieties of options, my initial goal is becoming hazy and seems to be impossible to achieve. It's just funny that I tried all the options to reach a certain goal, yet, by trying all these, my goal got a bit distant. I forgot to focus on what I want to achieve due to all the segues that come my way.

It may seem like I have a lot of confidence, but in reality, I am scared. Also, I have very low self-esteem. I may seem to be a fighter of the struggles in life, but I actually think I have no capacity to fight over it. Sure, I am a teacher, but I have to admit that I lack intelligence. Sure, I have experience, but these experiences were made because I faked it to make it. Am I a fraud? I think part of me is, but it's not all pretense because as I go along the way, I tried to become better and better in my craft. So, sometimes, fake it 'til you make it is true, and that fakery slowly becomes a reality.

Right after college, it was easy for me to decide because I was already offered a job. I've stayed in that job for two years... sure, I've experienced many things, but I know that I have to discover who I am, and I believe that I can grow more and become a better individual away from Los Banos, Laguna - a place I call my home.

Leaving Los Banos was the first major decision that I had to do that would totally change my entire life. I left Los Banos to pursue a career in teaching here at Quezon City. Los Banos was like my Neverland, a place that's not so easy to leave... yet, I knew in my heart that I have to make room for my own growth and I have to learn to let go of a place that I called my home for 7 years. Before, I was not sure if I made the right decision, but I realized that I actually did because leaving my comfort zone made me become more independent, it has also widened my horizon... I've met a lot of people, I've discovered that I can actually teach and be loved by my students, I've discovered a craft that I know I am good at, I may not be the best, but I know that I do my best in teaching. Of course, there were ups and downs along the way, but all these good and bad times have shaped me into what and who I am now.

Now, I am at crossroads again.

When I applied for a scholarship abroad, I knew that there's a high chance of me leaving my job for ten years. I took the chance, applied for it, and got accepted... yet, the consequence is for me to file for a leave of absence. In a private institution, a leave of absence means no work, no pay... so, the crossroads that I was into is on how to make ends meet. As mentioned above, I've prepared myself for this moment, as I've applied for part-time jobs here and there, but when the actual moment comes, you'd still feel the fear that creeps in like a thief in the night. I worry that I won't be able to support myself financially while waiting for the result of the scholarship. My fear grew bigger as the day of the result of the screening came near, when I received the result that I got in, I was happy, but I was also afraid because that really means I have to make a decision - to file for a leave of absence from the institution. And I had to do it right away.

Right then and there, my doubts grew bigger and bigger! There's a lot of what if's and questions of "What will happen to me?". What if the scholarship won't push through because of the pandemic, what if there's no university that would accept my application? What if I stay as an online teacher and not be able to fly to pursue the scholarship? This might turn into gossip because some people knew that I applied for a scholarship, and then, if it doesn't happen, what would that make me?

Look, I have so many doubts and fears... but what God promised to me even at the beginning of my journey is His words in Philippians 4:6 -

Lately, my devotional talks about the many doubts and fears that are present in a Christian's life. What really caught my attention is the story of Jesus sleeping in the storm. Since He is God, He knew that a storm is coming, and He could've prevented it from happening, but if He had let the disciples avoid it, then they would have never witnessed and known His true power - that even the waves and the storm obey and bow down to Him.

So, it's true that He lets us experience storms, for when it's just the pure calmness of the sea and He lets us avoid the raging and dangerous waters, how will we ever need a Deliverer? We won't possibly even dare to call a God who could save us or deliver us. How will we experience Refuge if we won't experience danger? The tendency for us humans is to seek comfort, ease, and convenience... but it is only through experiencing uncertainty do we ever exercise our faith. It's only through these doubts that we will practice how to fully trust in Him and His will in our lives.

Remember that faith actually makes more sense when there's doubt and disbelief.

So, am I telling that it's okay to have lots of doubts all the time? It actually depends on you, if you continue to doubt even when He has already answered what you've asked for, then, that could be considered a sin already. Sometimes, He lets us experience doubt, yet, it's in our free will if we will continue doubting despite His presence. He has given us the power to choose to live in fear and doubt when a raging storm comes in or to choose to trust in Him and let Him take care of everything.

So, now I encourage you to doubt your doubts and believe your beliefs. (Btw, that's a Switchfoot song.)

Thanks for reading!