We started in a difficult situation, especially when our relationship was new.
I met her pregnant with another man but because I loved her, I gradually accepted her. I accepted his personality.
I see a lot of secrets, secrets that I can only see on her. I heard those secrets from her and I was glad she trusted me. I didn't disappoint her.
All I can think about is - "I'm with her, we will overcome it."
I supported her to the best thatI can. I am a simple man, living a simple life and having my own beliefs. I didn't have a job at the time.
I also know someone who says: "Women can leave you anytime without a job".
I did not listen because I did not see in her the possibilities that she would leave me, what I thought was "she just couldn't do it".
I promised myself that I would 'bring her back to herself' and I did, but despite that she has been changing. She was getting hurt talking and as I listened to her in my mind, 'we're going to keep doing this, she's slowly changing, I don't know her anymore, she's just moving away from me', that part of my life is painful.
Gradually I could see her laughing at me, coming home early, drunk. I do everything for her, I also get her some financial help when she comes to work and she is well off but I often give up. SHe was the one who worked for both of us but because I was understanding and patient, I have to. I don't ask her for money, I also spend our daily food, and I only spend with my parents. I defend her with my family sometimes when I don't like what I hear. But they were right 'you've changed, I don't know you anymore'
- I always had that in mind.
We often quarreled, until she finally returned home - my parents' home. It also took about a month and more before she showed up again. We also have a daughter, and her name is Ninya. I decided that we were going to live in my parents' house because her family treated me differently than they would have liked me to, with the opportunity to introduce me as their daughters' friend '.
I just watched it on television before, I even laughed when I saw it, I even scolded 'your drama', I just couldn't imagine it would happen.
That time she was planning to go abroad. She didn't even told me because she knew Im not agree to her plan to go abroad, but it was too late. I just found out that she'll be leaving in a month. A month passed and the day of her departure was approaching. We also have no formal goodbyes. She was in Japan. It was painful but I dont want to waste all effort and patience that she gave to go there.
When she was in Japan, we talked often, until very rarely, until once a week. I ask her if she has a problem, she said 'nothing' , I worry that something is wrong. I feel it. Until that day comes, "let's 'cool-off' first" , she said. I couldn't even say a word to what she said in the chat. I just said, 'but why?', And the chat didn't even follow up on that conversation, until I found out he had a 'Japanese' boyfriend.
I don't tell my siblings, my parents what ive been, going through, I have a sibling who doesn't like me, he always laugh at me, kind of he wants me be in trouble, I'm embarrassed, i cant forget that day he was shaming me in front of the house of my parents, it feels like im not a part of them. I didn't even show to my daughter (Ninya) what her daddy was going through, I didn't know what to do with those times. My feelings were mixed with emotions, and one day I took her to 'Mcdo' her favorite. I spent all my money on it just to see that she was happy to eat even the two of us while I saw her play. At the same time, I was in tears and I was prevented from crying because I didn't want anyone to see me crying that day. She asked me, "I missed Mom", quoting the four-year-old, "It will come home", I said. I cried as I saw her smile, eat, as if something were missing from my personality.
I always embrace boredom. I used to watch that girl until she fell asleep. "Shes my only ally", I said to myself. At nightfall and I feel like the people around me are asleep, I pray, I tell God all the good, all the bad things, the emotions, I asked him to help me, I get through it.
All of that I write in a notebook. This will serve as my memories for her. I started to write in a diary about things from before I met her until our relationship ended.
October 28, 2012 - September 2016.
Even though we're gone, I'm still writing in the notebook, once a while, until no more.
Many good things happened too, and I will never forget all those memories until I get older.