Remembrance...

There is no word to express the grief and sorrow of losing someone who is very close to heart. Not a single word can explain someone's inside pain that an individual carries in the rest of life. Do you have any words? I don't think so. Nobody will understand your sadness no matter how much you try to explain and express it. Maybe you will get a little bit of sympathy but nothing else because the pain stays inside you and you have decided to keep it with you.

I know the pain of losing someone in life, perhaps my smile is fake or maybe I have decided to move forward carrying the adverse grief with me. What else I can do? Nothing because somehow my pain is that much deep which can't be recovered. I don't need medicine, I need peace but my craving for going back to the world of memory and living on that specific moment makes me always sad and guilty. I wish I could change the moment a little bit but I know, I will not get a second chance to fix it.

11 years ago, suddenly my perfect world had been shattered. I had no clue the day before this incident happened and within 24 hours, my entire world had been changed. 29 March 2010, 10.15 am - how can I forget the specific moment of the storm. A phone call broke my entire family's root forever. The news I had got was unbelievable because 2 hours ago, I spoke to the person on phone, she was fine and after 2 hours I heard that she is no more. I was not able to decide whether I should have cried or not even, still now, I can't decide what should I do. The emptiness somehow put me into a dark world and my dilemma exists there in search of some answers. I guess I will never get the answer that I am searching for 11 years.

My mom died and had left us alone behind in this unknown world. I was not with her while she was dying and that is my grief and somehow I feel guilty for not seeing her for the last time. I never thought that, that was the last time I am talking to her on the phone, never imagined my world will be destroyed after two hours... I have unspoken words, sentences but I will never ever get the chance to express that.

People never understand someone's grief until they experience themselves, some take it as a reality of life saying- one day we all have to leave the world. Some move on forgetting everything and show sadness on the specific date. Some never express and just go with the flow.

I believe if anyone loses someone they love and care about, they know the pain and somehow every single day, they spend a moment in remembrance.

Once I talked to a person who had lost her son, she was trying to hide her tears and grief while talking but her eyes didn't listen to her. I understood how much pain she was carrying for a very long time and probably will continue carrying the rest of her life until death. I am not afraid of death anymore because when I saw the pale cold dead body of my mom, I realized the death. Yes, I don't have any idea about after-life and I never tried to understand or research that. Because I feel nothing, I have no fear.

My mom had some dreams which she used to imagine while I was growing. She used to talk about those " One day my daughter will be ...........". I don't know whether I made her happy or not as a daughter but I wish I could do more for her. People say I am selfish, yes I am and I told before that everything seems faded to me comparing to my grief. So, on that note I am selfish...

Somehow I feel still now I am mom's princess and the apple of her eyes...

Miss you mom...

Regards,

Priyan...

Picture source: https://pixabay.com/photos/mother-child-family-daughter-girl-3793521/