Can I really do this?

I was really pressured and everything.

Our college has finally released a list of graduating students and the official list of Latin Honors, and I’m one of them. I received an award for being a CUM LAUDE for this year’s graduation. (this will be another story to tell)

I was really happy because I know that everything I worked for is now paid off. I was able to lift a burden after knowing this announcement.

On the other hand, I was really pressured – pressured that I may not exercise well this opportunity.

I am currently living in a boarding house together with my 3 classmates. We are in preparation for the upcoming board exam. Actually, we arrived here on the first week of June and its already July. It’s another month again but I can’t seem to focus myself on the pressure of this review.

I wasn’t able to grasp any information I am trying to instill on my mind. I really don’t know what to do. I tried everything I can but it can only brought me a temporary peace of mind. I don’t know if I am still doing the right thing, but I think I am just forced.

On our review today, our instructor told us this advice – Don’t take reviews just because you don’t want to fail, review so that you can pass. And that made sense to me.

All this time, I was trying to review notes because I don’t want to fail and be a disappointment. I don’t want to put pressure on myself more. I just wanted to be a normal student preparing for the board exam.

Everything around me is stressing. May it be my daily routine, my daily life, or even people around me. There is also this professor of ours who keeps on telling us not to post anything on social media about our awards and everything because people might get disappoint if we don’t pass the exam – which is very WRONG.

His jokes are also not good. He is a professional, but it seems that we are more than him. I mean, isn’t it so great to share something that is remarkable to you on you OWN social media? Who are him to stop us? Who are him to stop our parents to be proud to us? Even those parents who post are being criticized by him. I don’t even know how he got that license of him. I was disappointed and mad at him. He don’t have the right to tell us what to do or not.

By thinking all of these, I started to burst into tears. I am here at the rooftop, writing this article because I feel like I will burst any time if I don’t share this to anyone because honestly, I don’t have the courage to tell this to my friends and family. I don’t want to make myself a stressor to them. I know they are all rooting for me and I know that they are all expecting, and that makes me pressured more.

There was this one time when I told my sister not to pressure herself just because she don’t have an award now. She was a consistent honor student but because of pandemic, her passion to learn decrease but when the face to face classes started, I can see that she is starting to enjoy learning again.

Going back, I told her to not stress herself over the expectations to her. She was just a 14-year-old girl who should be enjoying life today. I can feel her, and I think we are on the same boat. I don’t want her to experience what I am experiencing right now. It was so hard and difficult.

I wanted to cry out loud, but I can’t. I am currently fighting these silent battles of mine. I know that these are part of the process, and I should not worry.

To those who are in the same boat as me, cry as much as you want. Never let them decide for yourself. Its your life not theirs. If you don’t have the courage, or you feel like breaking down, cry. It will ease your feelings just like what I am doing right now.

And another advice is that, if you don’t have anyone to share your story, write it out and pour everything on it. It feels like a thorn getting out from your throat. You don’t need to share everything to someone because not everyone is worth your trust.

KNOW YOU COMPANY.