There is an undeniable power that comes with making decisions. The liberating force that enables us to take control over every aspect of our lives. Upto what extent do we take that ability? Do we use it only for our own sakes? or do we take into consideration how our choices affect everyone and everything around us.
I was never one to have control over the things I do. My parents were authoritative and used to make all my decisions for me. It didn't bother me that much especially since I grew up thinking that they would always know what's best for me. However, growing up, having been able to talk to multitudes of diverse people. I came to realize how important it is to have your own voice followed when it came to matters of your own life.
I can easily find myself relating to the story of a family secluded from the outside world by their father. It is an exaggerated comparison, but nonetheless I felt how they felt: Emotionally unstable; Socially awkward; Culturally shocked; and, Physically conscious. Although they were literally secluded from everyone, stuck in an apartment for most of their formative years. I was with them for having barely no voice in making life choices.
I was so used to others making choices for me that I became someone who had a hard time saying "no". It was a word I was not familiar with. I was always accustomed to conforming to whatever others wanted from me. There were times when I would crave having a choice that usually would lead to me building grudges towards those who often steals that power from me. However, I never acted on that craving, I never rebelled against people who had their hands over my life.
So when it came to a point that I was given a chance to choose, I panicked. Hearing someone say "I want to know what you want" made my heart flutter but my anxiety grew alongside it. It was bliss that danced with trauma. I was so scared of making a decision for my own and having no one to blame if all things go wrong.
For this I realized how much I needed to grow as an individual. I needed to discover my own voice, my personal beliefs, my wants and needs, and everything in-between.
I now have this understanding that in order for one to make valid decisions for themselves, they need to have a solid foundation of their identity. I am marking this day as a start of me discovering who I am and to decide on things accordingly.
