Memories of my Angel.

May 11,2006. This is the day when there is nothing happier than the happiness I feel. Because this is the day when the most beautiful angel was born. This is the day when I gave birth to my first born child, my first love, my first gift, my first inspiration, my first child. I named this little angel Francine Janelle. What a pretty name like her. Nothing compared to the happiness I feel when I first saw her. Sudden tears flow on my face. A tears of joy. For the first time in my life I felt the best feeling in the whole world. A feeling that only mothers can feel. Seeing your very first child for the first time after 9 months that you carried her in you womb is very special, that was an unforgettable moment that you will always gonna keep in your heart.

I dedicated this Poem write after I gave birth to her. It's simple but it all comes from my heart. She's literally my strength in times of weak. Inspite of what I'm suffering in his Dad's family before she's the only one that makes me strong and makes me happy.

After her Christening when she was 7months, I decided to back here in Manila from Palawan where her Dad's place. I went back here in Manila with her. We left her Dad hoping that he will follow us here. But years passed he didn't even bother to contact us. He abandoned us and never supported her from her needs. For years I took care of her alone. I did everything to make us survive. And I'm lucky to have a family who supported us. We are living before at Mom's house. Mom was working before in Taiwan as an OFW. She was the one who also supported us while I'm still looking for a job.

As a Mom raising her child alone without a stable job was too hard for me. Though my family was there for us I still tried to do everything for. I even almost sacrificed my self before just to survive (you may think of what you want to think by what is meant by sacrificing myself) but I just did what I need to do before. I've been in a relationship with some foreigners I met online thinking it can help us to survive but it didn't end well.

Until I met my boyfriend (my 2nd child's dad). Everything is smoothly fine. He accepts my daughter as his own. He rented a place for us to live in Sampaloc Manila. He did everything for me back then too. Then I got pregnant. Exactly 2 months carrying my baby in my womb when I decided to visit my stepdad and my half-sister in Paranaque City. I brought my lil angel coz I know they missed her a lot too. It was a good visit I'm planning to stay there for a few days so can have enough time with my angel. But then this accident suddenly happen. 😔

Upon staying there at exact 1and 1/2 day something unexpected happened. Step dad's house is like a family house. In one house there's a 6 rooms, and one family in one room. So there were 6 families staying at that house. Around 12pm in the afternoon June 20,2010. I was watching Eat Bulaga at that time and my daughter was playing in the living room with my stepdad niece. I felt comfortable at that time, I never think that something will going to happen to my daughter inside the house. Then suddenly my daughter came in holding her neck and was trying to ask water to me, then I heard my stepdad's brother in law shouting "Elmer (my stepdad) Janel drunk something". And my Papa go outside to check what he drunk. My mind got little panic too while I'm in front of my daughter holding her neck and she can't talk anymore, first I thought she just drunk something not good outside so I was trying to put water too while holding her but my stepdad suddenly came in panicking and picked her up and run outside shouting that my daughter drunked a Silver Cleaner. I don't know what to to think at that time I just followed Papa outside running and he's too fast to ride a tricycle and I was even left. I went back to the house coz I didn't know where Papa brought my daughter he's not even wearing slippers when he picked up my daughter and runs fast. I was crying and asking them again if did my daughter drunk. Then they showed me a Gatorade Bottle containing a Silver Cleaner. I know how dangerous it is so I was crying so hard. And I'm almost freaking out. I've already watch a lot people who attempt suicide using silver cleaner and no one even survived. So I was thinking who the fuck left that silver cleaner in an Energy Drink? And why it should be my daughter who drink it?

I was freaking out all time while waiting an update where Dad brought my daughter. Until he called me that they were in San Juan de Dios Hospital. So I went there fast crying so hard while running to the hospital. When I arrived there Papa's crying hugged me and told me that my daughter is in critical condition. I suddenly felt weak and almost fainted. I was at my daughter's side when they were trying to revive her. Honestly all I did is to cry the whole time. Until they told us that my daughter needs an antidote for the poison but don't have it and they can't afford to cure my daughter because they don't have enough equipment that my daughter maybe needing. They told us to just transfer in a hospital with complete equipment and facility. So we transferred her again in Manila Doctors. And there they tried all there best to cure and revive my daughter.

When this accident happen my Mom was still in Taiwan. So the moment she found out what happened to my daughter she forced her Employer to let her go home. And it's like my daughter is also just waiting for Mom to come back home. On her 3rd day in Manila Doctors Mom arrived direct from the airport. She was crying so hard hugging my daughter asking her to wake up. And I can't take that scene almost fainted again. What's worse was I'm 2months pregnant when this happens. When Mom arrived there were 2 instance that my daughter's hand moved, so I was really hoping that she an still survived.

On her 4th day in the hospital. The doctors talked to us already if are we sure that we will still continue hoping for her to recover because they said honestly my daughter won't gonna wake up anymore. I told the doctor that I will still for her recovery coz I've seen her hands moving twice, but they told me that it happens sometimes. And to be honest again that some of my daughter's internal organs was already dissolved by the poison. But i can't give up my daughter. How can a Mom easily give like that? How an they tell me to just let my daughter go? I don't want to let her go. I don't want to lose her. I will wait for her to wake up. That's what all in my mind before.

June 24,2010 2am in the morning, her 5th day in the hospital when her BP suddenly went down, we all get panic when we heard that freaking sound in the monitor like giving us a warning. I was crying already and talked to my daughter saying "Anal kung hindi mo na Kaya sabihin mo lang kay Mama ha? Pakakawalan na miata kahit di ko pa Kaya." (I told her that if she can't do it anymore just let me know and I will let her go even if I don't want to.) And there her BP goes down more, it's like she answered my question to her. So I decided to let her go and took all the device that helping her to stay alive.

It's for me to give her up. But seeing her having a hard time too is even harder. It hurts me so much letting her go. I can't even accept the fact that in just instant I lost my sweet and loving child. It's hard to accept that I raise her for four years, I lived with her and raised her for four years. But in just instant she's gone. At the age of 4 i lost this wonderful child. I know I'm not even a perfect mom for her but God knows how much I loved her and tried everything I can for her. It's really hard that until now I an still the pain of losing her. It's been almost 11years that she was gone. But her in my heart it's just happened yesterday that I can still feel all the pain of losing her.

These are her last two pics taken before she passed away. Such a pretty angel. And now is her birthday she's supposed to be 15yrs old already. If she's only still alive I know she'll grown up a very beautiful woman. I really missed her so much. If only I can bring back the time I will never ever let her leave by my side. 😔 And what hurts most is that until now, 11yrs had alredy passed but still no one still admits who left that poison in the living room. They're pointing at each other before. I know that it was just an accident but still I am waiting for atleast someone will ask me some simple "I'm sorry". I just want to her a simple "Sorry" just to ease the pain I'm feeling at that time. It would have been a great relief to me if they would have simply apologized and ask some forgiveness for their negligence. Because they all knew that there's a lot of children in that house, they should've been very careful in keeping such poisonous liquid that they also knew could harm the little childrens. But I'm just leaving it all to God, especially I know that it's also my fault, that if only I had not allowed her to go out our room maybe it won't gonna happen to her.K

I will forever cherish this memories of her. I still thank God that once in my life he gave something special that makes my life wonderful in 4 years. That once in my left he let me be loved by this little sween and loving angel. I still remember those little kisses she always give in the morning and in the night before we sleep saying "I love you much Mama". I still remember how she takes care of me when I'm sick, she's the one giving me medicine. She never failed to make me feel how much she loved me even if I'm always gets mad when she had done something that I don't like. Those memories of her will forever remain in my heart.

Happy Happy 15th Birthday their in heaven my loves. You're fully grown up now. How I wished I could see you growing up. How I wished I could see how beautiful you are right now. I love you so much baby. I know mom haven't got a chance to give everything that you want and I'm so sorry about it. If I could only bring back the time, I should've done everything for you. But then I know God has a reason why he gets you early from me. I wished I could see you again. Please visit me in my dreams, hug and kiss me once more. I really missed those little hugs and kisses already. I love you so much my daughter. You will always be my baby, my first love. You'll be forever here in Mama's heart. 😢💕💕

Lesson for All the Parents especially Mother's like me: Let's not trust to let our children be out of our sight. Especially those young childrens. Because we do not know when an accident will come. So let us not be complacent or be comfortable even if we are only inside our house. There's no such safe place when it comes to an accident. So always be extra careful and never leave them out of your sight.

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Just wanna share this video also. It's her memories with the cover of her favorite music.

I love you so much My Little Angel. 💕