Final Goodbye: No More Pain.

Today August 15,2021 is the first month that my Mom has finally left us. My Mom who fought for 11 years with her illness. The main reason why I haven't been around here all this time. I honestly can't focus to write and think of any topic since she was gone. I was so demotivated that I almost lose all my focus in life. Some of you already knows how much I love her and how much I am afraid of losing her. But that's really how life is, there are people that we want to lose but need to leave because this is the will of our Lord.

Until now I'm still grieving and suffering in pain because of losing her. Everyday and every night I'm still crying in pain. I already accept it but I can't still help to grieve. I really missed my Mom so much. She's the only one I had that I know who will always be there for me no matter what. But now she's gone, she finally said goodbye. 😢

It was July 15,2021 9:00 am when Mom called my eldest daughter , they just talked for awhile and just told my daughter that she was about to go to the hospital because she doesn't feel well again. I didn't bother to get the phone and talk to her co'z she already turned it off. I didn't even message her when I heard that she was about to go to the hospital, co'z I was thought it was just a normal attack and Dad will gonna call me soon as they get there at the hospital. Around 2:00 pm when Dad called me as I was expecting. When I answered the phone he was crying and I can't understand what he was saying. I asked him if Mom was already fine but I almost got historical when I heard him saying "Nheng wala na si Mama, di na kinaya ng katawan nya" (Your Mom is gone, her body didn't make it anymore). I can't explain what i feel at that moment. So hard to believe that my Mom is gone. It's hard to accept that we lost her this time, she was just talking to my daughter earlier how come that she was already gone? I was crying so hard that I can't even breath normally anymore. There's a lot of question on my mind at that moment. I even questioned God why did he let that happened? In just instant I lost the most important person in my life. I lost the only person who never left me inspite of all my mistakes, inspite of all the things that I've done wrong, especially to her. I lost the only person who understands me on everything. How would I be now without her? I have nowhere to run when I am hurt or struggling in pain. No one would gonna get worry about me and my kids anymore whenever we are sick. No one would gonna call me anymore to remind me of what I should do in any kind of situations I'm going through. No one will gonna help me anymore whenever I have a problem. I lost my one and only Mom who made feel all the love in the world that she's the only one who can give.

I already lost a child 11 years ago it was so hard, I almost give up and ended my own life, but Mom never left me, she stayed by my side no matter what. She never went back to Taiwan even if she still have a contract. She chose to be with me, to take care of me. I couldn't make it nor survive that trial without Mom. She was my only support and my strength during those times. When I got sick and almost died 3 years ago, it is also Mom who never left by my side. Even she was sick and struggling on her own battle of her illness, she still managed to be strong just to take care of me at the hospital. Even if she's weak she still managed to push my wheelchair around the hospital wherever the doctor wants us to go for my laboratories. She never left me on every trials that I've been through. She's always there for me. And now I'm afraid to face something hard situation or problems, I'm afraid to get sick anymore. I have no Mom to take care of me and be with me anymore. 😢

Losing someone important or someone you love is the greatest battle you have to fight for. You have to fight the pain, sadness, and grieving. It's hard to fight for it especially when your mind's always think of all the memories of that person. They said it's harder to lose a child than losing your parents. No that's not true. Losing both was the same. I know it and I'm still going through it until now. I lost my child for 11 years already but the pain is still here. I lost my Mom a month ago already but the pain still keeps killing me too. And I know everyday till the rest of my life I will always feel that pain like how I feel losing my child.

I don't know how long it will take for me to moved on, well actually I'm trying though it's hard, but what exactly I don't know is how long it will take for me to finally accept that I won't gonna see her again. I'm trying my best to entertain myself or make myself busy everyday just to avoid thinking about her but at the end of the day I still end up thinking and missing her so much. What sad the most for me is until the end of her life I didn't even had a chance to give her the life I was aiming to give her. Until the end I didn't get a chance to fulfill all my dreams and promises for her. Until the end I feel like I'm a worthless daughter to her. 😢

It's really hard to pretend that you are ok even if you're not. It's hard that you still have to smile just to like fine even if you're crying deep inside. The wound that it caused will surely be a forever scar that will gonna stay inside your heart. And most of all it's so hard to pretend you're strong, when in fact you're getting weak because of the pain that you feel all along. I even wrote before that my greatest fear was losing my Mom, and my fear had finally come. 😔

An Open Letter for Mom in heaven:

Mom, I know you're in a better place now. No more pain for you. You won't gonna struggle anymore. You finally found the peace that you want. You've been telling us many times that we have to accept that anytime you'll gonna leave us forever. You always remind us to be strong no matter what will gonna happen to you. And I thought I am strong enough to to handle it, but honestly I'm not. Mom don't get sad when you see me crying, just let me cry as long as I want. Just let me grieve until I get used to it. You know how much i loved you, and you know how much I'm afraid of losing you. But don't worry about me I'll get over this one day. I don't know how long but I will try to get over it. I still remember what you always tells me before, that it's been a long time that you wanted to take a rest but you don't want leave me until you see me ok. You always thinks of me and my kids because you know that you're the only one that I have. I have no one else to lean on but you. My sisters always get jealous of me and my kids but you always tells them that they we're lucky that they're life is still better than me. Maybe you already see that my life is ok now, that there is someone to take care of me even without you.

Thank you Mom because you had nothing else on your mind but my welfare. Thank you for staying by my side until I have fixed my life. Thank you so much for everything, for loving me and taking care of me even if I'm already old enough. Thank you for being my best buddy, my hero, my supporter in everything I want to do. God knows how much I love you Mom, you'll be before here in my heart. I am so lucky to be your daughter, I'm so lucky to have you as my Mom. You're the best Mom in the world. You're memories will forever stay in my heart and in my mind. I love you so much Mom, till we meet again. 😢

In life there are things that you can never control nor change. You will lose some people you love no matter how you don't want losing them. It's hard, it's too painful but we have to be strong no matter how hard it is. We can grieve, we can cry as long as we want, but still we have to leave some sense to try get over it. For me it's really hard to get over it but I have to, for the sake of the people who's still here with me. My kids still needs me, so I have to fight for this sadness and pain. I can't imagine life without a Mom but have to get used to it, not today but I know one day I can.

Anyway I also want to thank noise.cash and Bitcoincash for being a big part of me how I had helped my Mom during her last months. Since March that my Mom is always in and out at the hospital it is my earnings in noise.cash that i used to send some help for her needs. It is my earnings in noise.cash that i used on her birthday and during her burial as well. Thank you so much noise.cash and Bitcoincash for being my source of income to help the people I love.

I guess I have to stop here, i felt like the pain keeps twisting me while remembering all the memories of my Mom. But let me share you this video that i made just in case you are interested to watch some of the happy memories that we had with Mom. I also included Mom's last video celebrating her 50th Birthday, her Golden Anniversary that I wrote in my previous Article last May. I used the zong "Iingatan Ka" by Carol Banawa because it is Mom's request for my eldest daughter to sing this song when she passed zway. My daughter use to sing this song on her School performance so Mom keeps joking her to sing it to her when she dies. 😔