Final Goodbye: No More Pain.

33 84
Avatar for nheng1118
2 years ago

Today August 15,2021 is the first month that my Mom has finally left us. My Mom who fought for 11 years with her illness. The main reason why I haven't been around here all this time. I honestly can't focus to write and think of any topic since she was gone. I was so demotivated that I almost lose all my focus in life. Some of you already knows how much I love her and how much I am afraid of losing her. But that's really how life is, there are people that we want to lose but need to leave because this is the will of our Lord.

Until now I'm still grieving and suffering in pain because of losing her. Everyday and every night I'm still crying in pain. I already accept it but I can't still help to grieve. I really missed my Mom so much. She's the only one I had that I know who will always be there for me no matter what. But now she's gone, she finally said goodbye. đŸ˜ĸ

It was July 15,2021 9:00 am when Mom called my eldest daughter , they just talked for awhile and just told my daughter that she was about to go to the hospital because she doesn't feel well again. I didn't bother to get the phone and talk to her co'z she already turned it off. I didn't even message her when I heard that she was about to go to the hospital, co'z I was thought it was just a normal attack and Dad will gonna call me soon as they get there at the hospital. Around 2:00 pm when Dad called me as I was expecting. When I answered the phone he was crying and I can't understand what he was saying. I asked him if Mom was already fine but I almost got historical when I heard him saying "Nheng wala na si Mama, di na kinaya ng katawan nya" (Your Mom is gone, her body didn't make it anymore). I can't explain what i feel at that moment. So hard to believe that my Mom is gone. It's hard to accept that we lost her this time, she was just talking to my daughter earlier how come that she was already gone? I was crying so hard that I can't even breath normally anymore. There's a lot of question on my mind at that moment. I even questioned God why did he let that happened? In just instant I lost the most important person in my life. I lost the only person who never left me inspite of all my mistakes, inspite of all the things that I've done wrong, especially to her. I lost the only person who understands me on everything. How would I be now without her? I have nowhere to run when I am hurt or struggling in pain. No one would gonna get worry about me and my kids anymore whenever we are sick. No one would gonna call me anymore to remind me of what I should do in any kind of situations I'm going through. No one will gonna help me anymore whenever I have a problem. I lost my one and only Mom who made feel all the love in the world that she's the only one who can give.

I already lost a child 11 years ago it was so hard, I almost give up and ended my own life, but Mom never left me, she stayed by my side no matter what. She never went back to Taiwan even if she still have a contract. She chose to be with me, to take care of me. I couldn't make it nor survive that trial without Mom. She was my only support and my strength during those times. When I got sick and almost died 3 years ago, it is also Mom who never left by my side. Even she was sick and struggling on her own battle of her illness, she still managed to be strong just to take care of me at the hospital. Even if she's weak she still managed to push my wheelchair around the hospital wherever the doctor wants us to go for my laboratories. She never left me on every trials that I've been through. She's always there for me. And now I'm afraid to face something hard situation or problems, I'm afraid to get sick anymore. I have no Mom to take care of me and be with me anymore. đŸ˜ĸ

Losing someone important or someone you love is the greatest battle you have to fight for. You have to fight the pain, sadness, and grieving. It's hard to fight for it especially when your mind's always think of all the memories of that person. They said it's harder to lose a child than losing your parents. No that's not true. Losing both was the same. I know it and I'm still going through it until now. I lost my child for 11 years already but the pain is still here. I lost my Mom a month ago already but the pain still keeps killing me too. And I know everyday till the rest of my life I will always feel that pain like how I feel losing my child.

I don't know how long it will take for me to moved on, well actually I'm trying though it's hard, but what exactly I don't know is how long it will take for me to finally accept that I won't gonna see her again. I'm trying my best to entertain myself or make myself busy everyday just to avoid thinking about her but at the end of the day I still end up thinking and missing her so much. What sad the most for me is until the end of her life I didn't even had a chance to give her the life I was aiming to give her. Until the end I didn't get a chance to fulfill all my dreams and promises for her. Until the end I feel like I'm a worthless daughter to her. đŸ˜ĸ

It's really hard to pretend that you are ok even if you're not. It's hard that you still have to smile just to like fine even if you're crying deep inside. The wound that it caused will surely be a forever scar that will gonna stay inside your heart. And most of all it's so hard to pretend you're strong, when in fact you're getting weak because of the pain that you feel all along. I even wrote before that my greatest fear was losing my Mom, and my fear had finally come. 😔

I always used to write a Poem for you since I was young, and now I felt like it's so hard to write something about your final goodbye. đŸ˜ĸ

An Open Letter for Mom in heaven:

Mom, I know you're in a better place now. No more pain for you. You won't gonna struggle anymore. You finally found the peace that you want. You've been telling us many times that we have to accept that anytime you'll gonna leave us forever. You always remind us to be strong no matter what will gonna happen to you. And I thought I am strong enough to to handle it, but honestly I'm not. Mom don't get sad when you see me crying, just let me cry as long as I want. Just let me grieve until I get used to it. You know how much i loved you, and you know how much I'm afraid of losing you. But don't worry about me I'll get over this one day. I don't know how long but I will try to get over it. I still remember what you always tells me before, that it's been a long time that you wanted to take a rest but you don't want leave me until you see me ok. You always thinks of me and my kids because you know that you're the only one that I have. I have no one else to lean on but you. My sisters always get jealous of me and my kids but you always tells them that they we're lucky that they're life is still better than me. Maybe you already see that my life is ok now, that there is someone to take care of me even without you.

Thank you Mom because you had nothing else on your mind but my welfare. Thank you for staying by my side until I have fixed my life. Thank you so much for everything, for loving me and taking care of me even if I'm already old enough. Thank you for being my best buddy, my hero, my supporter in everything I want to do. God knows how much I love you Mom, you'll be before here in my heart. I am so lucky to be your daughter, I'm so lucky to have you as my Mom. You're the best Mom in the world. You're memories will forever stay in my heart and in my mind. I love you so much Mom, till we meet again. đŸ˜ĸ

In life there are things that you can never control nor change. You will lose some people you love no matter how you don't want losing them. It's hard, it's too painful but we have to be strong no matter how hard it is. We can grieve, we can cry as long as we want, but still we have to leave some sense to try get over it. For me it's really hard to get over it but I have to, for the sake of the people who's still here with me. My kids still needs me, so I have to fight for this sadness and pain. I can't imagine life without a Mom but have to get used to it, not today but I know one day I can.

Anyway I also want to thank noise.cash and Bitcoincash for being a big part of me how I had helped my Mom during her last months. Since March that my Mom is always in and out at the hospital it is my earnings in noise.cash that i used to send some help for her needs. It is my earnings in noise.cash that i used on her birthday and during her burial as well. Thank you so much noise.cash and Bitcoincash for being my source of income to help the people I love.

I guess I have to stop here, i felt like the pain keeps twisting me while remembering all the memories of my Mom. But let me share you this video that i made just in case you are interested to watch some of the happy memories that we had with Mom. I also included Mom's last video celebrating her 50th Birthday, her Golden Anniversary that I wrote in my previous Article last May. I used the zong "Iingatan Ka" by Carol Banawa because it is Mom's request for my eldest daughter to sing this song when she passed zway. My daughter use to sing this song on her School performance so Mom keeps joking her to sing it to her when she dies. 😔

20
$ 14.94
$ 13.23 from @TheRandomRewarder
$ 0.50 from @bmjc98
$ 0.50 from @Ellehcim
+ 10
Sponsors of nheng1118
empty
empty
empty
Avatar for nheng1118
2 years ago

Comments

Ouch, I'm sorry to hear that. Condolences to you and your family. It's really painful when our parents or any of our loved ones die. It is a sad reality that everyone needs to prepare for. I don't know if I will ever be prepared for it. It might take years but I hope you will feel better in time.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

..yeah 😔 for sure it will take more than year, a lifetime sadness maybe..but hope the pain will lessen soon..

$ 0.00
2 years ago

hugs

Sakit naman. I think lahat tayo takot mawalan ng mama. Kaya lagi ko pinagdarasal na bigyan pa ng maraming taon mama ko.

Anyway, be strong, sis. Alam kong mahirap pinagdadaanan mo. Basta if need mo ng kausap, alam mong me makakausap ka sa TG natin. 💚

$ 0.00
2 years ago

..yes sis..maraming salamat sa inyo talaga for being their for me when i needed someone to talk to lalo na ngayon.. 🙂

$ 0.00
2 years ago

This made me emotional. To me, parents are also my everything. Wala akong ibang gusto kundi makita silang malakas. Love them so much. I hope you'll be able to deal with that lifetime pain of the loss. I am sure your mom is in somewhere happy now, walang sakit, walang hirap. God loves you. ❤ī¸

$ 0.00
2 years ago

..salamat po..yeah yun din yung gusto ko sana para sa kanila makita silang malakas at maibigay ko manlang sana yung pangarap ko para sa kanila bago sila mawala..pero ganun ata talaga ng buhay..di talaga natin makokontrol ang lahat.. 😔 masakit, malungkot pero kailangan mo nalang isipin na mas nasa mabuti na syang kalagayan ngayon 😔

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Rest in peace 🕊ī¸

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Hey again, sorry about your lost ☚ī¸. I already experience losing someone that's why I know how painful it is. It's just hard. I know, wherever she is right now - she's happy na. No more pain and suffering. So, you too maging masaya aka din and try to move on. Di gugustuhin ng Mama mo na makita kang patuloy na nagluluksa for her. You know mothers, they only want the best for their child, and maging masaya lang tayo, ikaw - masaya na din sila. Patuloy ka nyang gagabayan for sure 💙

$ 0.00
2 years ago

..yes sis I'm trying my best na makamove on through libang libang naman mahirap talaga pero pinipilit talagang kayanin..dahil alam ko nalulungkot din syang makita akong ganito..

$ 0.00
2 years ago

I can relate to this. I lost my mom too last 2019 and its hard to move on but it's the right way. She don't want us to be sad. We should accept it even if it is painful atleast we now know that there are no pain in heaven. They will guide us from above. Be strong. May your mom rest in peace.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

.. you're right sis.. it's too painful but we must accept it.. 😔

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Sorry for your loss sis, God bless you may your mom rest in peace 🕊ī¸

$ 0.00
2 years ago

..salamat sa inyong lahat lalo na comfort sis.. 🙂 thankful na din ako na meron tayong ganitong mundo dahil sa totoo kong mundo hindi ko mailabas lahat ng gusto ko ilabas.. 😌

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Condolence po miss nheng, kya u po yan, know that your mother will still guide n protect u po even if she's already in Heaven with God, know that she will still watch over u n she's going to be in your heart forever 'coz of her love for u po n your love for her as well, be strong especially for your kids po, they need u po while they r growing up, just pray lng po

$ 0.00
2 years ago

..salamat sis..naalala ko yung Article mo about your cousin na may Lupus when she passed away..I was thinking at that time na parang di ko ata kakayanin pag nangyari sa Mama ko yun.. đŸ˜ĸ

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Welcome po n kya u po yan, miss nheng, mging mtatag po u pra po sa anak nyo po jn n my dhilan po ang lhat, dsal lng po kau jn

$ 0.00
2 years ago

yes sis, maraming salamat ulit

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Welcome n God bless po, miss nheng

$ 0.00
2 years ago

I know how you feel. My dad died almost two years ago and still feels awful. I have not mourn him properly because of my mom and my sister, specialy for my mom. The only thing that conforts me in some way is that he is happy now, he's not in pain anymore, he's in peace. And now, I feel he is with us all the time, but happy, watching over us. Your mom is still with you, in your mind, in your memories, in your heart. Let that be your solace in this painfull times.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

..thank you ma'am, yeah i know this pain losing the people we love will gonna stay forever in hearts..And the only thing that can really comfort us is to think that they are more better now with our Lord.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

I feel your pain ma'am, cheer up. Everything happens for a reason. Before, I thought I'm the unlucky one because I don't have my biological mother in my side because she's far away from me, she left me when I was just 1month y.o. and now that I've grown up, I never get to bond with her, maybe because of the hatred. Salute to you and your mother ma'am. God bless

$ 0.00
2 years ago

.. I'm sorry to hear about your relationship with your Mom..and yeah I'm still lucky that I got her back during my worse times 😔

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Very sorry to hear about your heavy loss. Both your child and mother. Let Almigjty give you the strength to overcome this grief. Nice video of your mother

$ 0.00
2 years ago

..thank you..and yeah I'm praying to have more strength too for the sake of the people i love who's still with me.. I'm still on the process of accepting what had happened hope to gain my strength back soon..

$ 0.00
2 years ago

This had me crying, I remember the passing of my father because of heart attack. I can feel your pain while reading your article sis. But know that she is now in good place where she will no longer pain..

$ 0.00
2 years ago

..yes sis yun nalang talaga ang iisipin, she's in a better place now..no more suffering and pain.. đŸ˜ĸ

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Yes sis, at least you have so many memories of her..

$ 0.00
2 years ago

This is really emotional for me, I couldn't held back tears because you bond you shared with your mother is huge and I know how you are feeling now.

We can't bring her back but we can always pray for her and work on her legacy in life. May her soul rest in peace

$ 0.00
2 years ago

..yeah that thought really breaks my heart 😔 that we can never bring her back, but what's important is she already found the peace that she's waiting for even when she's still alive..we all know that she's having a hard time already for how many years but she just keep on fighting just for us. And now it's time for her to take a rest..

$ 0.00
2 years ago

I feel your pain sis in losing someone we love the most.. but in the process time will heal all our pain. Be in comfort that she is now with our Lord. Be always strong and bless you always.and Condolence sis.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Yes sis 😔 that's what I'm just thinking now.. she's in a better place now no more pain for her..😔

$ 0.00
2 years ago

Nkakalungkot tlga Nheng..but it just happens. 😭 kung san man sya now, at peace na sya.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

..yes sis yun nalang talaga pamapalubag ng isip ko..yung alam ko na mas ok na sya ngayon wala ng sakit at hirap.. 😔

$ 0.00
2 years ago