Feeling Incomplete This Coming Christmas.

December 16, 2021

Today, a feeling I'm trying to avoid just suddenly attacks in my mind. A feeling I shouldn't be feeling while I'm trying to make this Christmas as happy as before. So I just wanna express what I feel about this one, so please just let me make some drama for now before I'll pull back myself with our celebration.

Christmas was the best and most special day to celebrate. This day is very special because it is the day when our Lord Jesus Christ was born. Every year we celebrate it happily with our family. This day is also very important because sometimes only on this day can our whole family be completed. Only on this day that we can have the opportunity to have fun together with our whole family. Whether we admit it or not, Christmas is not complete without the whole family.

Just a few sleeps from and it's already Christmas. Almost everyone is already preparing for this special day. But on my part, I don't seem to be excited to celebrate it with my fam, yes I'm still happy because I know it's Jesus' birthday soon, but the excitement of preparing for this day because we will be completed again seems to be gone. Gone because we are no longer complete. The previously happy and exciting day has now been replaced by sadness. Sadness because my dearest Mom isn't there to celebrate with us anymore. This is the first Christmas we can't be with her. It's the first Christmas that I can't see her happy smile despite the suffering she feels due to her illness.

How can you celebrate Christmas without one of the most important people in your life? How can your Christmas be happy if a part of you seems empty and your heart feels sad? It's just hard to imagine that my Christmas is not the same as before anymore. I no longer have a partner in the kitchen who is excited to prepare and cook meals for the whole family. My Mom is no longer there to happily prepare gifts for all her grandchildren before Christmas. The happy Christmas that we've shared every year has been replaced by sadness and longing to be with her again. I even deleted my Facebook app now just to avoid all the popping memories of her.

Memories

Now only Mom's memories are left for us when we celebrate Christmas. I honestly don’t know how to celebrate Christmas without her. I'm crying now while writing this article. I'm crying while I'm grabbing pictures of her, this made me miss her even more. I just suddenly missed her a lot tonight. It's only now that I suddenly feel the sadness of thinking that we won't be able to be with her again this coming Christmas and in the years to come. I thought I was already ok, but I guess I still haven't, I haven't healed yet with the pain I feel from losing her.

A Christmas Open Letter for Mom:

Mom,

I know that you are fine and in a better place now there with our Lord Jesus. I know you are more peaceful now, without pain and suffering anymore. I'm sorry if I'm sad again today. I just really miss you so much now Ma. First Christmas without you with us. It's really hard but I will still try to cope and accept it all. I love you so much Ma and I miss you so much. Please guide us from up there. Please also help me to finally accept that you are gone. I love you Ma, thank you so much for all the memories and love you left and felt for me. You will always be here in my heart.

There are things that we think we already accept, but the truth is deep in our hearts we are not okay yet. There are really things we don't know when we will be able to accept. And there are wounds in our hearts that we do not know when they will be totally healed.

I will still try to be okay this coming Christmas day. I will try to be happy not only for myself but also for the people I love the most here with me. To my family and to the people who give joy to my life despite the sadness I go through these past months. Even if my Christmas is incomplete this year, what's important is that I still have people I can make happy with the simple things I can give this coming Christmas.

I'm sorry guys if I went here to express my feelings today, lols. I just don't have anyone else to talk to but you guys, my virtual friends, hehe. I will try to get back to my senses to make our little celebration more fun in the coming days with our small but loving community. Our beloved BCH Community.

Will update all the entries on our BCH Logo in my next Article. You guys can still submit your entries until the 23rd of December. Good luck everyone.