Anxiety: A Feeling That I Can't Control at This Moment.

Thursday. October 21, 2021

Today is very different from my previous days. I had this anxiety that I can't control at this moment. I used to wake up with only positive thoughts in my mind, now I wake up with my mind full of negativity. Do you know the feeling that you are very tired but you are just trying to fight? But no matter how hard you fight, you still come to the point where you ask yourself "can I still do it?". I'm honestly tired right now. Tired of fighting and thinking of all the problems I had every day. I don't know what to do anymore. I wanted someone to talk to and cry on, but I have no one else to call because the only one who I can run to and lean on when I am so down is my Mom. But even if I wanted to call and talk to her I can't do that anymore. If there's only a long-distance call from heaven I'm probably calling her right now.

I honestly don't want to open my problems in public because I'm used to always harboring my resentment. But now allow me to vent my resentment here because I really can't hold back anymore. I feel like why I always seem the one to find a way to survive and sacrifice for my family. I feel like my husband doesn’t care about all the sacrifices I make. Maybe he thought everything I'm doing was easy. Maybe he thought that I was just playing here. That I wasn't getting tired. That I was just okay with everything. But what he didn't know was that I was so tired already. My body and brain are so tired of all the problems that I am almost the only one making a way to fix and finish them all.

I love my husband and I have nothing to say when it comes to his attitude, in fact, he is a kind husband and fatherr to our kids. It's just that, he just lacks being responsible as the head of the family because of his vices. Because of alcohol and gambling, he can hardly fulfill his responsibility to us. We often quarrel because he always prioritizes drinking and gambling with his cousins ​​and friends. They just drink and gamble every night. Sometimes even his small income ends up in alcohol and gambling. As for me, no matter how much he lies that he doesn't spend on alcohol and gambling, I don't believe it, because when you look for what he earns, he always says nothing. He only fixes the job when he knows I'm angry or when I don't talk to him out of resentment.

Ever since we got together two years ago, I’ve endured it all. I endured and forgave all his sins because of his vices. Because I love him and I don't want him to disappear from our lives again. He also left us for 5 years before he came back to us, so when he came back I was very happy. But I didn't expect that he had this vice that's hard for him to get rid of, which is too much of a reason for us to fight, and that's his gambling. I accept that he can no longer stop drinking alcohol. But I can't accept his gambling until now. Especially since I haven't finished paying my buyer's money that he gambled last year. Out of the 60kphp he spent, I still have 34kphp to pay to my buyer of Facemask last year. Plus it seems like it's enough for him to earn a little then I'll take care of all our expenses.

Paying everything bills, debts, daily needs makes me upset at this moment. I sacrificed all of my savings already for months since he lost his job but until now that I already helped him to recover and paid everything for him to start as a delivery food rider but I felt like it's not enough. We can't even earn enough from his income still always nothing is left because he's always outside at night drinking and gambling on Online Sabong. While I'm here I can hardly sleep and rest because I have to take care of them, while I'm working hard to find money just so we can survive. Then now I also withdrew my salary from Axie, with my earnings from noise and read because we don't have any more for our expenses. Plus he can't deliver again, because his license got expired last Oct. 19. So I have no choice, I have to withdraw for the renewal of his license worth 2k because if he doesn't, he won't be able to earn for our living again. At the same time, our internet bill just came and I also had to pay for it because I also need this so I can continue working.

Now I am back to zero again. Everything that was left for me was my Tokens in SmartBCH. I honestly can't sleep last night after withdrawing everything again. Like why the hell I am working so hard if it will only vanish in just an instant? Why I am the one who's working so hard for everything? Why that I'm the only one stressing about all of the problems that we had? When will he realize that I also get tired? When will he realize to change for the better? When when will he realize that I needed his help too for everything? I also get tired of all this stuff that stresses me so much already that I can't even think clearly anymore.

I even messaged him when I woke up this morning co'z I am really stressing right now thinking about everything last night. I slept at 5 am this morning because my mind is so stressed and I'm even crying looking at my Mom's picture and asking her help to overcome this Anxiety that I feel. I honestly really don't know what to do anymore. I'm the kind of person who always thinks positively. I always keep fighting for everything especially for my kids but at this moment I feel so weak. I'm so stressed or depressed or whatever. I just don't really feel ok today. I'm thinking how long do I need to suffer.

I did write about Toxic Relationships last time. I did say that when you're in a Toxic Relationship you only have two choices. It's either you two have to talk and fix the problem or you're going to walk away. But I myself don't even know what to do anymore. Should I still give him another chance as he already promised that he will gonna change after his birthday last Tuesday or should I just walk away? It makes me feel crazy about what to do or what to think now. I love him but I can't survive in a life like this. Pure suffering no matter how I work hard. I just wish he will realize it all before I totally give up.

Sorry for this Mello dramatic stressful Article for today. I just really want to release the resentment I feel right now. Hope I can get through this too.

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