You used to be my hero, the one I've always looked up to, the one I've always wanted to become when I grew up, and in my eyes, you were then the perfect wife and was once the best mom I could ever ask for in this world. But that was all back then.

It was my 13th birthday when I found out something on your cellphone that changed everything. Something that shook me up. It wasn't a wrong send, it wasn't a joke, it wasn't meant for someone else other than you. How did I wish that was just a reel, but who am I kidding? When what I saw and read was as real as the clear blue skies. That single text message that was sent to you that day, I may not know how and when it all started, but I am sure am certain that it was followed by many more text messages and countless calls. Ever since then, I've started to doubt you and feel a little bit kind of anger towards you as my mom. Days, weeks, months, and years went by, and that situation worsened, until such time that my father finally came back home excitedly and happily from abroad without any knowledge or single thought of how broken we are on the inside, how messed up the family he thought was just as fine and merry and, how fucked up you became as his wife.

I cannot see a single reason or anything on why and how could you ever do that to us, especially to our father, when he never ever done any wrong to you, never did he ever said a single cruel and did any rude thing towards you for as far as I can ever remember all throughout your married life and after everything that you did to us, when all that he did was to work hard to provide, give, and support us with more than what we ever asked and needed for and never did he ever obliged you to work and provide for our family, cause that's what you also wanted, you were able to buy and get the things that you wanted and even sustained, provide and give your lover some money from my father's hard-earned money, what a shame. But you know what's funny and I hate the most? My father still cares and loves you, he still opts to choose you even when I told him to just find someone else who's a lot way better than you are out of anger, pity, and frustration. I also can't just shake the fact that even after everything that you did to us, after all the pain, suffering, and shame that you've inflicted, especially unto him, he continuously, always includes you in his prayers, still.

Just today, my younger sister called and told me about the news that you've left us without any clues and words. You just left us, today marks the day when you chose your lover over us, your children.

Sitting with a cup of coffee under the dark roaring skies by the window watching every drop of the pouring rain, I still can't believe how different things have been, how different things have changed, how different you were now, how come you were able to endure and swallow the fact that you chose your lover over your family, your husband, us, your very own children.

It has been a tough battle for years. As the eldest child, carrying that burden all throughout my teenage and adulthood years, hiding the real situation from our father while he was away, abroad, scared that he might have a heart attack once he found out, that was also years, during those times I went through different phases and depression. No one knows.

The moment I received that news just recently, all I could feel was numbness, just plain nothing, and I think it was all because of those every night that I've cried and grieved alone for years before I became used to it, I think I already ran out of any words, I already said it all then and if there were still unsaid, I just let and left it be, my tears also been dried up, all I know was that I have no more tears left for that matter. And the irony? for all those years, no matter how rooted the madness that I felt towards you, deep within me, I am like a child yearning and is silently wishing and praying that maybe someday somehow, you will finally find the way that leads you back to us, that you will finally be going to choose us more than anything else in this world. No matter how ugly and different things had become, no matter how much suffering, pain, and shame you've inflicted unto us for a very long time. I am still waiting for you mama. I will never get tired, I will always wait, look forward, and hope when will you be coming home.

You used to be my hero, the one I've always looked up to, the one I've always wanted to become when I grew up, and in my eyes, you were then the perfect wife and was once the best mom I could ever ask for in this world. These words were the most painful by far that I've ever known. Same words that disappointed me. Funny and cliche as it may seem, but of all the heartbreaks, failures, and disappointments I ever had in life.

"You are my greatest disappointment, ma, and it sucks, it still hurts, it still stings so bad, every time no matter how numb I feel and no matter how I used to it."

Hello to my fellow readers and writers! Again, Thank you so much for being with me in my roller coaster ride! I really appreciate you all! Really!

Will be posting many more thoughts, feelings, and happenings in my life, soonest as I can, cause right now, my mind seems a lil bit cloudy and out of focus for a lot of things. If you have some piece of advice you can put it in the comment below, I'd be glad to read and put it into practice. Thank you so much again!

Better days ahead, Have a blessed Sunday, folks! Godbless us all!!!🤍