Am I disciplinarian or a spoiler?

July 16, 2022

Happy Saturday everyone, another week has gone by and it's the weekend already, also it's the half of the month and I can hear Christmas songs from small enterprises already. The other day we were purchasing some materials for the project and the enterprises that we went to was playing some bop Christmas songs, they're too excited for this coming Holiday season I guess...

Yesterday morning, as I was about to go to work so I need to wake up early to prepare since I'll be going to work from my home and it will take hours before I arrive at work and it will be less hassle to go earlier to escape morning traffic. My son who woke up after me was throwing tantrums at me about why do I need to go back to work when it was Friday already. I already told him that I need to go back to work since no one will give the workers their weekly wages and I need to get my wage for we need to pay for the electricity but he became stubborn. I am always patient when it comes to my son but Mum told me to be stern sometimes especially when my son gets like that. And whenever I am pissed I tend to say things that I needed to. And since he's just a kid I have to control it.

"Mama needs to work and we already talked about it, where's the part that you didn't understand? Go to Mamay's room and continue your sleep. I'll be back later and that's final"

There really are instances like this when my son became stubborn and I can't just tolerate it just because he's my only child or because he lacks the guidance from the father that I need to understand most of the time. I want him to grow up not to be spoiled with all the things that he wants. Yes, honestly I would say that I would give him everything I can in my power to provide but not that much that he'll think he doesn't need to work to gain it or to study hard so that there's something I can be proud of raiding him.

My sisters told me that I am too soft on my son and that whenever his cousin bullies him that I would fight my niece and scold them for bullying my son it's just childish fights but I would sometimes intervene, yeah I sometimes become protective too.

I remember the last few months he kept on telling me that he wants to go to the PlayStation but I decline he kept on pestering me but I didn't budge. He wore a scowl and even don't want to eat dinner. My parents scold him and I kept being silent because I sometimes can't handle the stubbornness that he got from me. After that dinner I talk to him,

"Mama always gives in to everything you want but not all the time all you wanted will be given to you. There are times that you also need to consider others. If I say no it doesn't mean I am prohibiting you from what you want, I was just thinking of your safety and also your cousins. Try to understand your mother for being this protective. If you don't understand me even a little I can't help with that, it only means I'm not raising you enough to be a better one who gets to understand others" (nagpapakonsensya talaga ako minsan)

After that, I only speak to him if Mum needs something and she wants my son to do it. We both know that we can't last a couple of minutes not talking so he said sorry and promised to never do it again. I also said sorry but I will never gonna tolerate such behavior in the future for it will only do no good to him.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing good in raising my son or am I just too careless in doing so. I know I'm still learning and I am still observing how others raise their kids but I want to apply what my parents taught us back when we were kids. I seem to apply some but I admit I can't fill the void of a father to my son I know what I'm doing is not enough but I still gave him the guidance that I know and the assistance in everything he does. I always include in my prayers not to let myself be thinking negative things when it concerns my son for I can't be wary of him. I'm praying that He'll give me a lot of courage and strength to be stern and discipline my son.

Sorry for this but my anxiety is bothering me a lot these days. I also had a severe headache when I woke up earlier and my niece has a fever that I have to take care of since I plan to let my mother rest for the weekend and my sisters are all working, I also need to take care of my son and the other kids. I hope I can survive the day, ugh

Anyways, thanks for reading!
@mommykim