Time-Specific: The Year 2021

2021… I am with lost of words; I am still in searching on the exact emotions in my entire body. Losing interest, grievance, anger, resentment, hatred, self-doubts, heartaches, physical and mental breakdowns, joyful laugh with friends, happy eating with family, good talks, deep conversations, shallow happiness and eventually going back to the cycle. Nowadays, we definitely see the immense effect of this pandemic around the world. From single COVID-19 turned into multiple variants that threaten the life of every country across the world. The usual way of smiling profile pics turned into candle lights. The people we never expect to leave, left us with heavy scar. The supposed to be fairy-tale relationship ended as if there has nothing to be discussed for. At the same time, people get easily tempted because of their self-desires and ego. Pride becomes the new normal way of approaching people. Cheating is widely happened while love, honesty and respect became the least priorities today. Social media seems conquering the interest of the people that mislead them in accepting and doing the real essence of reality. As long as they are happy and meet their undefined satisfaction, they will let themselves flowing under earthly things. I may not be the person who knows everything but I can assure that this year has been really tough and difficult to all of us. We have each burden to carry on, problems that seek solution, crying nights because of intense pain emotionally, financial crisis, anxiety, and uncontrolled things that we need to keep up with. Is it exhausting, right?

Why am I writing this? Whenever I recalled the challenges I went through, I cried. Tears are eventually flowing when I remember how really hard this year is.

The three months of 2021—January, February and March.

These months have been good for me. There are opportunities and unexpected activities that helped me in training my abilities as a new public teacher. I became the secretary of SBM in school. I know that it takes a lot of strength because it is composed of various paper works and presentations. I acknowledge this as an opportunity because I know I will be acquainted in some documents and skills needed to improve my teaching career. It was all smooth months---in family, in friendships, in relationship, in school. Until this thing happened unexpectedly, before March is about to end, our Ateng was in unstable condition. It was almost a two-week of battling life over death. Suddenly, things became out of control.

The April

How I wish that April fools are true but life proved it is not. This month is the starting point of headaches, heartaches and financial instability. On April 2, our Ateng left the physical world. It was all of a sudden because prior the weeks when she felt good, one day, she feels weak and not able to talk casually like she used to every day. To make this story short, we mourned for that day because even though she is not the typical and ideal grandma, I know she loves us. I do not even know that I endure so much pain emotionally because of her death.

Also, this month is the onset where the relationship between She and I is about to end. The whole month of April with full of fights, carelessness and losing appetite for our relationship. Few days passed and I still can't cope with the pain of losing Ateng, then here’s another battle in my way. As the days went on, there is no new with every day’s fight and no communication between us.

We can’t deny that financial instability is one of the major crises in every family. As I mentioned from previous articles, I am the eldest among the four siblings; The next parent for them. Although my father is still working in Manila, the income for daily expenses is not enough. As the eldest in the family, you choose to shoulder the expenses just to do not want to see your parents under pressure. It’s been almost three decades of working hard, budgeting and enduring the hardship of life for my parents, so I choose to give as long as I can. That day, my third sibling in college needs money for her tuition and remaining balance to take the final exam. No permit, no exam policy. In the same weeks, my second sibling also needs money for her application in the opening of new cycle in PNP. A lot of money is needed to support their needs. Haaay, I can’t even know how my income would fit in these necessities. During these tough times, I wonder how I would provide the other needs. I just cried at night before sleep to release the heavy emotions. After that, I stand again with enough courage for my family. But sometimes, it is very difficult to be a breadwinner. To all breadwinners out there, I hope we all became winners!!

May, the month of betrayal

As I continue to support the needs of my family, this month has become the time to know the truth. As a woman, I want clarity. I want pure intentions. I want to know the truth. Our relationship became fragile---fragments that I think it is difficult to fix repeatedly. In short, our relationship ends. I discovered a lot of things he did that I don’t really deserve. However, I choose to keep moving forward from the past and I can say that I am okay now, it’s not completely but I am along the way to go. The year is coming to an end, so our story should be over as well. Still, I am hoping the best for us.

June, July, August—the months of financial crisis and sprouting of pain after a heart break

All of us need money in our daily lives. We can’t buy the things we need to survive as well the wants or desires for material things. People have variety of ways on how the use of money becomes essential. Above all those ways, we must remind ourselves to use money wisely. The application of new cycle in PNP is finally reopened in June. My second sibling who has been aiming to be a patrolwoman since then is planning to apply during that time. We support her plan wholeheartedly. The months of June, July, and August are the heftiest season part of my 2021 life. The cost of applying in PNP is truly an unexpected and shocking because of its high cost. Since my parents can only support our needs every day, I supported my sister. Savings is gone and she still needs money for further requirements. At the same circumstance, my third sibling also needs money for her tuition. Bills and due dates are also coming on our way. Beside all of these, I also have personal finances---in school, tuition, and so on. I came along to the thought that I should borrow money to finance these but who and where I can borrow from? One cold night, my mother’s aunt in Davao called and she offers to lend us money to support our needs. That night, I burst in a sea of tears because God is really amazing!! God will support in time of need. He showed me Grace to continue my endeavor as a breadwinner of the family.

On the other hand, these months are also the time where pain after break-up is growing. I thought I can surpass this without any piece of remembering him. I heard a lot of comments nor opinions from people we used to hang with before. There is some news I heard from what he is doing even though almost few weeks before we separate. Yeah, that time, I am completely devastated emotionally and mentally. No feeling of any good every morning, bunch of tears in the evening. So, the pain continues as I stand with courage along the process.

Then, what happens to my ber months? Hmmmm it's like an ocean with various depth of waves but I know it will be calm like its horizon, peacefully.