He lost, I lost.

It has been several months when I lost myself because of unexpected parting ways that we never thought would happen. I always telling myself that I should overcome the pain that conquers my entire body. It was just a one-night goodbye but the feeling has been circling even awhile. When two people chose to love each other and ended up with heartaches, tragic emotions are probably along the way. And, if things became parallel to both of you, acceptance is of the keys to keep moving forward.

It was the month of May when I ended our 4-year relationship. It was really difficult for me to let the person I love and staying in our relationship even if I know in myself that we can still fix sort of problems within our strings. Why I chose to let him away? Because there is no growth between us. There is no care, security nor comfort between us particularly in him. As our relationship grows, we must grow too. If we are looking a better future together, we should work to see that. However, things turned out against those visions before. That month, I caught him talking someone over his phone. It was a chatting period of time to someone whom I know with. I confronted him and like other relationships, we had quarry. After couple of hours of talking, I forgave him. Then, we came back like we used to every day. As far as I remember, two weeks had passed, I saw his phone with unfamiliar name. I opened the chat and tadaaaa, he talked someone else again. Of course, I got angry that time haha. They say, once is enough and two is too much. When I read their conversation, I finally got my sense to have a space for our relationship. He constantly asked for forgiveness and continue our relationship. Since I dearly love him, I forgave him for the second time he cheated on me. I considered it cheating because he talked women beyond my understanding.

After that, the months became good. He was trying to be a good man for me but there were still inconsistencies. I am not a demanding nor hard-to-love woman like others we see in social media. I am just a lowkey one who wants to be treated well and love me like I can love someone honestly. Aside from that, there were lots of problems happened to us. He became complacent to the point that he sometimes forgot me. He got used to ask “sorry” because he knows I will forgive him. He did not care for me. Support became lesser every day. Communication seemed constrain from him. The least thing that I could mentioned from above, respect is no longer observed in our relationship. it is very hard working on the things if respect is gone.

After those scenarios, I came across to the thought that I should go and choose myself over everything. I broke up with him. July to September, he tended to placate for what happened to us. He coaxed me again---bringing flowers, foods, romantic messages and everything a man did in courting stage. But as he courting me again, I found out that he talked multiple girls in Tg. When pain hits me again, I finally decided to cut any communications to him. I finally see what I must do in able to get up from this mess. In short, "bitaw na, hindi na tama".

I know beyond measure that I did my very best to love him as much as I did. If he is not contended, it's not my problem anyway. Maybe we should focus more on ourselves separately.

Suffering, Grievance, Self-doubt, Anxiety, Pain, Cried, Mourning every day....

I lost myself.

I truly know in myself that I gave the love he really deserved, like no one else can do for him. I loved him purely and honestly. But that’s really it, what come to happen, will happen. We cannot control things but we have choices. We can decide over the chaos we currently in right now. We are the ones who responsible for what we do to every day, so make sure that you can count it in to have a worthwhile life. If you can’t give the love which he/she deserves, don’t love him/her anyway. Temptations, lust, lure, fun, are everywhere, you can do these with someone who aims to be a fun too. But I will tell you, in this world full of temporaries, be certain. Be unique. Be the one who everyone wishes to have for because you can do to be the RIGHT over uncertainties.

When that one night came, I drowned with my own tears asking God to help me over the pain; It eats me countless times.

Even if the universe is parallel, God will find the right way for you to be loved and happier that you can’t never imagined. Someday, we will able to taste the love we all deserved.

By the way, I am okay now and keeping myself to heal and be happy, again.