The 'It's-Only-Lust' affair. Most of the most popular are about sex. It can feel very intense, but it's the quickest thing to do, too. John and Kim met at work and felt a deep physical attraction. John was separated; Kim was married. They were unable to fight the tug. "It was inevitable. We ended up in bed, as well as a lot of other places! It was wonderful," said John, with a big grin. The liberating and persuasive feeling of this kind of affair, however, can mask the secret emotional conflict
The "I'll-Show-You" affair. After years of an unhappy marriage, Rachel started to understand the extent of her frustration and resentment toward her husband. She had long felt unconfirmed, neglected, and neglected by him. His stubborn refusal to go to couple therapy forced her to act on her rage. Rachel told me that her prior counseling helped her to understand her collusion by being so subordinate to her marriage. But she could not come up with a plan, nor could she find out how to deal with her need for reverence.
The "Just-In-The-Head" affair. Can you call it an affair if the "lovers" don't have sex with them? Think of Paul and Linda. They got close, working together on a volunteer project. Paul was married, and Linda was divorced, but she was living with a partner. They found that they had a lot in common, a similar perspective on life and spiritual compatibility as well. They enjoyed talking to each other and looking forward to time together. They spoke often on the phone, hanging around after working on the project. They soon realized that a very personal and emotionally close bond had formed. It felt more like a friendship than just a friendship.
The "Not-Really-An-Affair" affair. Humans are experts at building fantasies about ourselves. One group is present in this affair, but the other is not. The available partner thinks that the other would abandon his or her spouse, provided enough time and patience. Jane, who had been divorced for many years, started to see a married man. She told me vehemently, "It's not an affair! It's a friendship!" but that takes two equally willing and dedicated people. Over the years, I've seen a lot of women (though they're usually women trapped in this trap) who believe their lovers would abandon their spouses. Ninety percent of the time this is never going to happen. Jane finally discovered that her lover had no intention of leaving. In reality, he had had a lot of business during his marriage.
Learning out of affairs
You might believe that you can distinguish your affair from the rest of your life. Or maybe you won't give much thought to its implications. They're both mistakes. I recommend you consider the following if you are contemplating an affair or are in the middle of one:
Some affairs are healthy mentally. An affair will help manipulate you past the point of renewal from a toxic or deadened relationship. For both yourself and your partner, the positive feelings of approval and restored vitality created by an affair will trigger the courage to leave a marriage when doing so is the healthiest decision. I've seen both men and women, during an affair, become physically healthier.
There's always a reason to start an affair, and in your current relationship, it relates to some problems. It's a lot easier to face that and tackle it first. You're not either "catching" yourself having an affair, or "catching up" with someone in bed. It is your decision, but it can be rationalized beautifully. So take a look at what is lacking or unfulfilled in your relationship, why it is, and whether you can do something about it, or even want to do it. It is preferable to try to renew your relationship or to end it with mutual respect.
