During my last year of university, I developed a sense of strong avoidance due to lots of pressures from family, friends, and society overall. The pressure grew stronger as graduation was approaching and I found myself overworking, over-learning (is that even a word???), and over-planning to avoid feeling pressure. Hence, I was already in a state of slipping away from everyone and even escaping my own mind.
Last year I developed this addiction to solitude. Even going to extreme lengths to avoid people, and the pressures that have come with it; despite my success with finances, social status, and whatever else. People had too many and/or high expectations of what I am/who I am. I have extreme people pleasing tendencies, so if I disappoint someone; it hurts me real bad. It wasn't until last year that I learned of the term "hikikimori" from a Japanese peer. He told me I reminded him of a Hikikimori. When I asked what it was, he explained and while he continued to add comments about how sad it was, but I felt differently about this term. It felt like home, and familiar to me. This was something I wanted to pursue.
I tried to keep it on the down-low but the solitude became addictive. The rule I made for myself was I would keep balance, and see people when I needed to, but I wouldn't tell people. I wasn't sad like other people who were shut in, not by choice but simply because they said people didn't want to be around them. Incidentally my problem was the opposite. But it was almost like the more I made excuses when people invited me out, they continued to pester me to come out and meet them.
Eventually I told them the truth. I made myself a nice cup of tea to calm my nerves, and texted all my friends explaining the truth of my absence. Later on, I just realized how much I truly couldn't take it anymore, and I cut ties with all my friends. I even left my boyfriend. He didn't understand and put up a huge fight, and while I wanted to stay--I just couldn't hurt him anymore, so I just apologized, left and blocked him.
After the breakup, I went home and ended up balling my eyes out mainly because of guilt, and I finally felt free.
But here's the thing... am I just making excuses to run away from the real world? Am I this irresponsible, ashamed and avoidant of who I am? Sounds like it to me. I've been this way for about a few months now, and sometimes I feel like my life is just slipping by... at least that's what I thought with prior to the lockdown. With the second lockdown however, it seems the tables have turrned. It's now acceptable to be this way, and makes me a class citizen... it's an interesting world we live in. I don't know if I'll ever get out of this. But I'll try to keep an open mind..
