Letters of the Heart (4) : On To the Next One

Dear Prof,

Last night the question that we have been tip-toing around has popped out. The question that I was not sure how to answer and I do not know what to do or how to deal with it.

James, my bestfriend for almost 3 years now has been there for me all the time whenever I needed him. Especially when my ex broke my heart for the first and last time a year ago. James has been there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on, he has been the arms I ran to whenever I feel the coldness of this world and he has lent me the courage to move forward with my life after a devastating break up.

We have been the best buds I could ever wish for. From my crying days to the day that I finally got to genuinely smile, he was the one beside me. In short he has been a dream. I know that we are intimately close, even before I suspected that he really was into me but I was afraid to entertain the thought because I was heart broken, I was afraid to try again and I really do not want to lose what we have, as friends.

Just after our dinner last night, we were hanging out on the rooftop of our apartment complex and just as we were about to say good night, he turned to me and with dead-serious eyes he asked. " Would you be my girlfriend?". The earth stopped moving right under our feet and the urge to press the rewind button on life has never been that great.

In my drastically changed state of mind, all I could say was, "I'm sorry. I'm not ready yet." and before he could even say another word, I ran down to my unit and left him there. To this hour, he has not texted or called me and I don't know what to say.

I hope you can help me Prof.

Love,

Denise

Response:

Hi Denise,

It is just human nature to feel frightened and to be afraid to be hurt again after going through the pain of being heartbroken. Although it may sound absurd, but healing a broken heart does not have a standard or specific duration. Some may take weeks, or months, some may take even years, and unfortunately some may never be healed. That being said, it does not necessarily mean that all you have to be is broken. Just like any other wound, there are remedies we can apply or go through to ease the pain at the very least.

As you also mentioned, the healing process you went through has been a bit bearable thanks to your buddy James. But through unsuspecting times and events it lead you both to the forked road of your relationship. Was it really unexpected? Logically, I can say that it is not unexpected at all. You spent so much time together, you weathered your storms together and you got back on your feet with his help. That's a basic description of dependency. In normal circumstances, we develop deep connection with people we depend on for emotional support, because these are the people whom we share intimate details of our hearts and these are the people whom we trust.

Going back to the matter at hand, you are now at lost on what to do with his "sudden" proposal? In my honest opinion, the ideal course of action was you saying yes to him. Why? Well, why not? This is a man who cared for you, this is a man who you depended on, this is the man who knows your past and this is the man who is willing to take all the responsibility for you. Officially. If you really think about it, you are just putting your relationship into a well defined state. There's nothing wrong with that.

The reason you said why you said NO is that you are afraid to try again and you don't want to lose your friendship? Let's take this a little deeper. You are afraid to try again, you may feel that you are not ready. But when will you be? How will you not be afraid anymore? I can see no down side if you said yes then and there. First, if you said yes and everything went smoothly then you know you will have the satisfaction and the affirmation that you have conquered your fears. In a relationship, "being ready" is not a thing. There is no way in telling that you are ready, if you really are committed to someone or even to something. You will just be. So taking that leap is the only way to erase all doubts and all those fears.

Second reason was you don't want to lose your friendship? Why would you lose it? Because you don't want to hurt him or his feelings? You know what, when you are at that point, when you are standing at the crossroad of your relationship that is already out of the question. In your case for instance, you do not want to hurt him but you said NO? What do you think he felt? Was he glad? Was he joyous? No, if it were me, I will be devastated. But what if you said Yes? He will be dancing through the moon. And if in the end it does not work out, then at least you gave him the chance to know for himself that it was not meant to be. On the other hand, if the friendship you have built is as strong as it can be? Saying No or Yes won't matter in the end. Your friendship should be in a different place from your romance. It does not have to be sacrificed or leveraged upon.

Frankly speaking, there really is no option there but to say 'yes'. Well, unless, and this is just a possible thought out there, unless you really don't want to be romantically involved with him. The reason does not matter but it may be possible that you are really just not into him. If that's the case then you have no problem. It may be hard to hear but it's not a you problem, it's a him problem.

Good luck and may you be enlightened.

Professor.

Hi! @Jane, thank you for inspiring me to write this one. :)

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