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Avatar for mariaclara
1 year ago

Why I decided to slow down for a while

I was on my 2nd semester as a sophomore on the first half of 2020 when Commission on Higher Education (CHED) decided to continue the academic year via online classes. The program I took was inclined with medical profession so it really requires physical classes for our multiple laboratory class. Those classes that supposed to have lab meetings were cancelled and converted to lecture-type lessons online. Back then, I had a hard time because I was so short with resources last year– we don’t have stable internet connection, I didn’t have all my books with me when I went home and I don’t have a working laptop; working on cellphone alone is hard for paper works.

This skeleton model in our laboratory is exactly my mood throughout the whole online classes.
I usually pass my homeworks several days late, 45 days-late at most lol.

I could recall that my second semester were the toughest days of my 2020. I was just using mobile data connection back then since we hadn’t installed Wi-Fi that time. I had to deal with the shitty connection in the world so I can’t do most of my activities during the day. I had to be up ‘til 3-4am as it was the only time the internet was tolerable for use.

I also experience having missed quizzes and missed examination in one of my major courses because of my poor connection. My frustration and disappointment was overwhelming because I reviewed my lessons all night, sacrificed my 8 hours of sleep, only to miss that examination the morning after because of something beyond my control.

It was really tough. I'm sure a lot of students could relate. I broke down several times amidst my quizzes and examinations. I wanted to cry for God knows how many times but I managed to hold back my tears as I didn’t want to show that side of me to anyone. I don’t want them to feel sorry for me.

But God was indeed so good! He allowed me to surpass sophomore, finally!

But the joy lasted for days, probably hours or so. I couldn’t celebrate because I was disappointed with myself and the whole situation. I was disappointed with my grades when it was released, although it wasn’t that bad. I was disappointed because I know I could’ve done better if I had all the resources I need. Not only that, but I was extremely disappointed from the fact that I didn’t learn a single thing from my professors.

Being short with resources is something that I could handle no matter how hard it is, but learning nothing especially the skills I need for work is something that I cannot stand. Since everyone resorted to online classes last year, learning is compromised. And that’s the least thing I want because I value my education… I value learning so much.

And that’s when I decided to stop my schooling for the mean time.

Rest turned waiting as waiting turned agony and agony turned into regrets.

I tried to preserve the last strand of my mental health so I decided not to enroll for mid-year classes last year to take some rest and wait for physical classes..

But summer school ended and I am still waiting for face to face classes to resume, so again, I didn’t enroll for the first semester on my junior year. At first, I thought it was okay but as I keep waiting, the thought of wasting half a year started to creep in.

New Year came along with new beginnings and second semester is approaching too but I still don’t have concrete plans on what to do with my life. Although, that time, I honestly considered going back to school, it’s just that, my credentials wasn’t ready yet, so again, I postponed my enrollment. And I truly regret that until now.

And then finally, after more than a year of waiting or should I say, being out of school (literally and figuratively), I decided to stop waiting and make some move for my future. I enrolled myself in a new university, left my former school I am not comfortable with. I have been longing for this, being free from them.

But why… why am I still unhappy?

Yesterday, I opened my facebook account and the first thing I saw upon logging in?

My batch mates’ post – wearing their white uniforms celebrating their hard work because they are now interns.

I am genuinely happy for them, I do. But I wouldn’t deny to anyone and to myself that I felt a little… jealous.

I was jealous because they are so close to fulfilling their dreams (although it wasn’t my dream, but that’s a different story).

I was jealous because one more year and they will be graduating.

I was jealous because I am now left behind, stuck at home, starting anew in my new school but was only allowed to take two subjects, only 5 unit-course in total this coming sem. (Sobrang lugi diba?)

I was jealous because it will probably take me 2-3 or maybe 4 years from now, hopefully not, before I can finish my degree.

So sad and frustrating…yeah.

And because of that, my mind lately betrays me and ask these questions,

“Did I made the right choice this time? Should I just stayed on my former school, finish not on time but not too late [yet curse the hell out of everybody because I wasn’t happy there]?

Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t even know if I am making the right decisions this time. I don’t know if I am rushing things or just wasting my time.

I honestly… don’t know.

[K A P O Y - Tired. In need some rest.]

[P A H U W A Y - To pause. To rest. ]

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Avatar for mariaclara
1 year ago