Our Little Meow Meow, Leo
I wasn't really fond of cats and I was so confused with people who loves to pet their cats because I grew up not wanting such, in fact, I prefer doggos over cattos.
But recently, I started developing affection for cats. It probably started on when I joined one server on discord and most of the members were cat lovers. That's when I started to understand why they love cats.
Ironically, what I disliked about cats is what most people liked on them, its them being *clingy and sweet*.
It was so sudden that I started loving to pat his head , caress his small face and talk to Leo, our cat, and then he would respond with his little *meow meows* as if I could understand him. We became buddies and I could really tell that in our household, I am the one who's closest to him now.
I am usually the one who feeds him. I would sneak some food for Leo from our own ulam since they don't want to give full fish meal to him. Lol. And he often sleeps on my room or would sit outside my window looking elsewhere. He would always make noises which ***I truly miss right now***.
Last night, I was about to feed our cat, Leo; I called him multiple times but he never responded. I thought Leo was just around the corner sleeping or was just out again on our neighbour's house hunting for food so I proceed on feeding our dogs instead. He's usually like that, going out for days and then coming back 2 days later or a few. But there was this uneasy feeling different from before cuz my cat didn't come home the other day too so I told my mom that Leo is nowhere to be found.
And then while we were talking about our cat, my lola suddenly dropped by our house and heard what we're talking about. She told us a very very sad news for us. There was a cat, described as having black and white color, found dead within our compound. He might be hunting foods and fell in a tank of water (the tank is high but the water level is not that low nor too high). It was a horrible news thinking that he suffered and struggled before giving up. :(
It was really heart breaking for us, especially me and it saddens me upon knowing it.
Leo was the longest cat we ever had and now we lost him. I miss him. :( </3
Its What Tough People Do
How far can you go when it comes to forgiving?
In one of my bible subjects, we were tasked to remember the time when we chose to forgive someone or when someone forgave us that it made us feel better. It was supposed to be a group sharing activity however, I wasn't able to attend the class so it was given as a homework instead. I'd like to share it here and would like to read more of your insights on this topic: *forgiveness.*
This is just superficial thoughts about forgiveness since I tried to recall some major happenings in my life and luckily, my heart is still fully reserved and haven't been shattered by someone. *Cause I don't want it yet lol.*
**How forgiveness brought healing to my damaged emotions?**
Every day is a test of patience of for me. Honestly, I am slightly short-tempered person so even if it seems too small or not big deal for others, I would take it personally and think too much about it. No matter how I say it's fine or it doesn't matter, the truth is, it killed me deep inside. Nonetheless I would rather suffer in silence than share it with anyone.
No family is perfect, that's a fact. I’ve had multiple misunderstandings with my siblings and even with my parents for several times. I got hurt with their double edged words but I wouldn’t address it to them and keep it to myself instead. And even if they did hurt me in some ways, I chose to forgive them silently for my own peace of mind too because as what the saying goes, blood is indeed thicker than water.
*[But for the love of Heavens, to parents out there, don't let your child suffer from the trauma of your words. If you have problems within the family, try to address it. Don't hurt your child then act as if nothing's wrong afterwards. Communication is important.]*
**If you were to choose, which of these are the hardest thing to do in the forgiveness process?**
- *No long longer blame them*
- *Let them off and let bygones be bygones*
- *Drop the charges*
- *Decide to forgive and overlook the hurt*
Forgiveness is something not everyone can do. In fact, I have my utmost respect to those people who can forgive easily because I, myself, is a person who can’t grant forgiveness in an instant. Of course there were variations in forgiving depending on the degree of someone’s offense to me. I tend to forgive on minor details but I am very strict with my boundaries and I know where I should draw the line.
Those things mentioned above were all hard to do when forgiving someone but if I were to pick only one from it, I’d choose the last one. I keep hearing these words “I can forgive but I will never forget” to those people who have been hurt deeply by someone they love and I think I could agree with it.
I would like to quote one of *Taylor Swift*'s iconic lyrics in *Bad Blood, "Band aids don't fix bullet holes. You say sorry just for show."*
One cannot overlook the deep cut that has been caused by someone even if you loved the person to death. Like how you cannot mend a shattered glass, you cannot just say sorry, no matter how sincere you are, and expect to go back like how you guys used to before. No, it doesn't work that way; we're humans bound to feel emotions and one of it was to feel *pain emotionally*.
Forgiving is what strong people do but healing and taking some of your time to fully recover from the trauma of the past is another story to tell.
And I think we should all respect one’s healing process no matter how long it takes.
*Side note: I’ve realized how loving and forgiving God is. We have hurt and sinned from Him multiple times and yet He always chose to forgive and shower us with blessings every day. And for that, I am extremely and deeply honored and thankful for having someone love me more than I could ever do to myself.*
***What about you, how far can you go in forgiving someone?***
***Will you be able to overlook the pain that has been caused to you?***
Gaano kahalaga ang 200 pesos para sa'yo?
~~Hustisya para sa lahat.~~ Hustisya para sa mayayaman.
Kahapon ng gabi, sumadya sa bahay namin si Tatay Mar (hindi nya tunay na pangalan) para daw kausapin ang tatay ko. Ayokong maki-usyoso sa mismong pag-uusap nila kaya tinanong ko na lang si mama kung ano yung sinadya ni Tatay Mar. Nalaman ko na nanghihiram pala siya ng pera na nagkakahalaga ng **200 pesos.** Nang tanungin ko si mama kung para saan ang pera, sinabi niya na pang renta raw yun sa higaan ng kanyang anak na nasa bilangguan. *Ang isang bilanggo o kahit kamag-anak ng taong nasa selda ay dapat magbayad ng 100 pesos kada buwan upang makatulog siya sa isang kama at hindi sa sahig ng bilangguan.*
Nung nalaman ko 'yun, hindi ko mawari kung ano yung nararamdaman ko. *Naghalo-halo yung lungkot para sa sitwasyon, yung galit para sa sistema at yung awa para sa pamilya nila.* Noong nakaraang taon kasi, yung anak ni Tatay Mar ay maling nahatulan sa kasong may kinalaman sa droga. Sa madaling salita, **isang biktima ng pekeng Oplan Tokhang ni Duterte** at ngayo'y, humahagilap ng pera pang renta sa kanyang kama, na kung tutuusi'y hindi na dapat nila pinoproblema.
At paano ko nasabi na isa sya sa mga maling inakusahan?
Nakita namin kung gaano siya kasipag kumayod para sa pamilya niya araw-araw. Kung talagang kasangkot sya mga ilegal na gawain, hindi na dapat sya nagtyagang magmaneho ng jeep nang 10 oras sa isang araw para sa kakarampot na sahod; dapat mayroon silang isang marangyang pamumuhay ngayon, ngunit hindi. Kita ko yung hirap nung asawa nya para saluhin yung responsibilidad na naiwan nya dahil lang sa maling hatol ng hukuman. Nung nalaman ko 'yun dati, sobrang naawa talaga ako para sa kanila lalo na sa kanyang 3 maliliit na anak na dati, sobrang excited sumalubong sa tatay nila t'wing igagarahe ang jeep.
Naisip nila mama na kaya kinailangan nilang magrenta ng higaan ay dahil punong-puno na ang mga kulungan at ***ang paghiga sa kama sa gabi ay isa pa ring pribilehiyo.***
You see, everything about the system is freaking wrong. Isipin mong kinailangan pa nilang umutang ng 200 pesos pambayad sa higaan ng kulungan.
*Isipin mong may mga taong kinakailangan pang mangutang ng dalwang daang piso (200) na kung tutuusin ay barya o wala lamang para sa mga mayayaman.* Para sa kanila, hindi nila 'to tinuturing na maliit kundi **katumbas nito ang dalawang buwang kaginhawaan sa pagtulog ng anak n'yang nasa selda.**
Ilang tao pa nga ba ang kinakailangang dumanas ng parehong sitwasyon nang dahil sa corrupt na sistema. Nakakalungkot. Nakakagalit.
**Totoo ngang ang hustisya ay para lamang sa may pera.**
At kung di ka pa rin gising, aba, eh imulat mo 'yang mga mata mo kasi baka nabubulag ka na ng tinatawag nilang *pribilehiyo.*
Paulit-ulit na tanong
Nitong mga nakaraang araw, halos hindi ako makatulog nang ayos, ni sa pagkain wala akong gana. Iniisip ko pa rin yung sitwasyon ko ngayon at hindi ko maiwasang ikumpara yung lugar ko sa mga kasabayan ko at sa mga kaibigan ko.
Siguro hindi ko lubos na maipalawanag kung gaano ako ka-frustrated at paranoid para sa future ko.
Siguro para sa inyo paulit-ulit ako.
Siguro para sa inyo napakababaw ko.
Siguro para sa inyo wala lang ‘to.
*Pero para sa akin, malalim ‘to* at hindi ko alam paano pakakalmahin ang sarili ko sa walang katapusang agos ng kaisipan na halos hindi ko na makontrol.
Naikwento ko na paulit-ulit sa noise.cash at sa mga naunang artikulo ko na lumipat ako ng school at sa paglipat ko ng school hindi ko nakalkula yung panahon at pera na posibleng masayang ko. Ang tanging nasa isip ko lang nung mga panahon na iyon ay *“gusto ko umalis at magsimula sa panibagong lugar”* dahil iyon naman talaga ang matagal ko nang gusto, ang makaalis doon.
Nung Linggo, nagkaroon kami ng Bible study at every night daw yun for two weeks. Yung lesson nung isang gabi ay tungkol sa mga katangian ng Diyos. Napukaw yung atensyon ko dun sa sinabi nung leader namin na isa sa mga katangian ng Diyos ay ang duminig ng mga panalangin. Mayroon daw tatlong paraan ang Dyos sa pagsagot ng dasal - *Oo. Hindi. Hindi sa ngayon.*
Dun sa bahaging iyon tinamaan ako. Ang tagal ko kasing hiniling kay Lord na ilipat na lang ako kasi nga ayaw ko dun, hindi ako masaya. Ang totoo nyan, nakailang attempt na ako dati sa paglipat ng school, iniyakan ko pa yun dati dahil ilang beses naudlot. Ngayon lang talaga natuloy dahil sa pandemic. Kaya naisip ko,
*“Tama ba ang ginawa ko?*”
*“Tama bang sinunod ko yung sarili kong gusto pero kapalit nun ay mas napatagal ang pag-aaral ko?”*
***“Paano kung hindi talaga ito yung plano sa akin ng Diyos at dahil sa kapipilit ko ng gusto ko, ngayon naman ako nagsusuffer?”***
Nakwento ko na rin diba na 2 subjects lang ako this sem. At dun sa part na yun, pag naiisip ko yun, *nabobother ako, sobra*. Nabobother ako kung ilan pa bang semester ang kailangan kong igapang para lang maging third year ako.
Sa totoo lang, dapat graduating na rin ako ngayon pero pinili kong tumigil ng isang taon dahil ayaw ko makompromiso ng online class ang pag-aaral ko. Sapat na yung isang taon na pahinga dahil pagod na ako maghintay. Ngayon, dapat third year na ako. Akala ko magiging third year na ako. *Mali pala. Maling akala na naman.*
Dahil sa pagiging makulit ko, ayun, nadelay pa ako lalo. Hindi ako pinayagan ng school na makakuha ng mga subjects na pang third year kasi nga transferee ako at kailangan ko raw muna kunin yung lahat ng subjects pang 1st year at 2nd year.
Ang pinagtataka ko kasi at pinakabumabagabag sa akin ay bakit dalawa lang? Bakit dalawang subjects lang po ang binigay nyo sakin? Excited pa naman akong pumasok ulit tapos dalawang subjects lang? *Daig ko pa ang kinder nito.* Halos di ako makatulog kakaisip kung ilang taon pa akong mahuhuli. Na habang tinetake ko yung pre-clinical subjects, nag-iinternship na sila. Idagdag mo pa yung takot na bumagsak sa isang subject at ulitin na naman yun. Panibagong dagdag na naman sa taon. Hay. Pagod na ako mag-isip. *Ayoko na mag-overthink.*
Alam nyo yung pakiramdam na gusto mong maiyak pero walang luha na lumabas? Ganun. Ganun yung nararamdaman ko ngayon. Halos sumakit na yung ulo ko sa kaka-overthink. Gusto ko lang po ng peace of mind pero bakit parang napaka-ilap non?
Gusto ko lang naman makagraduate at makatulong sa pamilya.
Gusto ko lang naman makabawas sa gastusin ng aking mga magulang.
Gusto ko lang naman matuto at makatapos.
**Bakit kasi nagkaroon pa ng pandemya, edi hindi sana ako nag-iisip nang ganito ngayon?** ***Hindi sana tayo nahihirapan ngayon.***
Naikwento ko na rin to sa iba kong mga kaibigan pero hindi pa rin sapat. Ayokong magmukhang paulit-ulit sa harap nila. Kaya eto, idadaan ko na lang sa pagsulat ang mga salitang paulit-ulit at ilang araw ko nang dala-dala.
PUHON - In God's Time
Imagine being one of the pioneers of K-12 curriculum (*kindergarten plus grades 1-12*) then becoming part of the batch where online classes were mandated.
Additional two (2) years in highschool then now, online classes became a thing nationwide.
*Unfortunately, I am part of it.*
I am part of the new curriculum where students were forced to comply requirements rather than learn. Plus, the fact that I am delayed for idk how many years in college. *(you can read on my first article why)*
***Ugh.*** *I must have done something really bad from my past life to be this unlucky.*
I am getting really really sad and frustrated right now.
I am turning a little bit older and *the pressure is eating me*.
If it was just me, I would be very fine whether I finish my degree for 5 years or more, but **no**. I feel like everyone counts on me and although my parents doesn’t directly tell me this, I’m sure they’re as envious as me seeing my batchmates getting almost done with their studies. We are not that rich and I don't want to burden them with too much expenses. I know they are expecting me to graduate right on time.
*I thought I will be okay being left behind but now that I am here and saw my batch mates be as close as an inch to their dreams, I can’t help but compare to where I stand now.*
I just wish that this new school gave me more than two subjects to take this time, maybe I’ll feel a lot better. I checked their new curriculum and realized that I need to fulfill **199 units in total** but unfortunately, I wasn’t even halfway, its **89/199!** The department chair told me that it will take some time before I could take their third year subjects! Just the third year subjects!
To be specific, I ***finished*** ***2 years*** already, ***stopped for a year***, then I might be ***taking these pre-clinical subjects for a year or more*** ,*please Lord, no :(* so that makes it ***4+ years*** already. Add to it my ***clinical division years plus a year of internship*** and that makes it **6 years or more**. The program that is supposed to be taken for 4 years will have additional years to come.
*These words isn’t enough to emphasize what exactly I feel.*
They say there’s no shortcut to success or to life’s race but I just couldn’t bring this words up to my head because it is now filled with overwhelming thoughts about the future especially now that *me and my parents were getting older*.
No matter how hard I convince myself that I will get there too, *I couldn’t stop comparing how slow I move from them*. I can’t even say “its fine” because I am honestly not fine when I think about it.
It’s actually 2 am when I finished writing this and I wonder how many nights and days will I ever think of it before I finally accept that this is where I am now, *I should deal with it and live with it because this is where I chose to be.*
I don’t know if I have expressed myself above clearly and I might seem redundant but I am extremely dejected right now. Thanks read.cash for destressing me from everything. *I had to let this out.* I could even taste some bitterness in my own words.
*I just want some assurance from them that its okay, its okay to feel these things.*
*I just want some assurance that it is fine to follow my own pace no matter how long it takes.*
*I just want some assurance that its okay to be slow because a* ***slow progress is still a progress****.*
***I just want some assurance without asking or begging for it.***
And I just want to help mom and dad as soon as I can but I guess*, that will have to wait for now.*
**P U H O N - "Someday. In God's time."**
**Manifesting: I will graduate 2 years from now cutiee!**
*I will get back to this article once I finish my degree.*
Gikapoy. Nag pahuway. Mas gikapoy.
Why I decided to slow down for a while
I was on my 2nd semester as a sophomore on the first half of 2020 when *Commission on Higher Education (CHED)* decided to continue the academic year via online classes. The program I took was inclined with medical profession so it really requires physical classes for our multiple laboratory class. Those classes that supposed to have lab meetings were cancelled and converted to lecture-type lessons online. Back then, I had a hard time because I was so short with resources last year– we **don’t have stable internet connection**, **I didn’t have all my books** with me when I went home and **I don’t have a working laptop**; working on cellphone alone is hard for paper works.
I could recall that my second semester were the toughest days of my 2020. I was just using mobile data connection back then since we hadn’t installed Wi-Fi that time. I had to deal with the shitty connection in the world so I can’t do most of my activities during the day. *I had to be up ‘til 3-4am as it was the only time the internet was tolerable for use.*
I also experience having missed quizzes and missed examination in one of my major courses because of my poor connection. My frustration and disappointment was overwhelming because I reviewed my lessons all night, sacrificed my 8 hours of sleep, *only to miss that examination the morning after because of something beyond my control.*
**It was really tough**. I'm sure a lot of students could relate. I broke down several times amidst my quizzes and examinations. I wanted to cry for God knows how many times but I managed to hold back my tears as I didn’t want to show that side of me to anyone. I don’t want them to feel sorry for me.
But God was indeed so good! He allowed me to surpass sophomore, finally!
But the joy lasted for days, probably hours or so. I couldn’t celebrate because I was *disappointed with myself* and the whole situation. I was *disappointed with my grades* when it was released, although it wasn’t that bad. *I was disappointed because I know I could’ve done better* if I had all the resources I need. Not only that, but ***I was extremely disappointed from the fact that I didn’t learn a single thing from my professors.***
Being short with resources is something that I could handle no matter how hard it is, but **learning nothing especially the skills I need for work is something that I cannot stand**. Since everyone resorted to online classes last year, learning is compromised. And that’s the least thing I want because *I value my education… I value learning so much.*
And that’s when I decided to stop my schooling for the mean time.
Rest turned waiting as waiting turned agony and agony turned into regrets.
I tried to preserve the last strand of my mental health so I decided not to enroll for mid-year classes last year to take some rest and wait for physical classes..
But summer school ended and I am still waiting for face to face classes to resume, so again, I didn’t enroll for the first semester on my junior year. At first, I thought it was okay but as I keep waiting, the thought of wasting half a year started to creep in.
New Year came along with new beginnings and second semester is approaching too but I still don’t have concrete plans on what to do with my life. Although, that time, I honestly considered going back to school, it’s just that, my credentials wasn’t ready yet, so again, I postponed my enrollment. *And I truly regret that until now.*
And then finally, after more than a year of waiting or should I say, being out of school (literally and figuratively), I decided to stop waiting and make some move for my future. I enrolled myself in a new university, left my former school I am not comfortable with. I have been longing for this, being free from them.
But why… why am I still unhappy?
Yesterday, I opened my facebook account and the first thing I saw upon logging in?
My batch mates’ post – wearing their white uniforms celebrating their hard work because they are now interns.
I am genuinely happy for them, I do. But I wouldn’t deny to anyone and to myself that I felt a little… **jealous**.
*I was jealous because they are so close to fulfilling their dreams* (although it wasn’t my dream, but that’s a different story).
*I was jealous because one more year and they will be graduating.*
*I was jealous because I am now left behind,* stuck at home, starting anew in my new school but was only allowed to take two subjects, only 5 unit-course in total this coming sem. (*Sobrang lugi diba*?)
*I was jealous because it will probably take me 2-3 or maybe 4 years from now, hopefully not, before I can finish my degree.*
So sad and frustrating…yeah.
And because of that, my mind lately betrays me and ask these questions,
**“Did I made the right choice this time? Should I just stayed on my former school, finish not on time but not too late** *[yet curse the hell out of everybody because I wasn’t happy there]?****”***
Honestly, I don’t know. ***I don’t even know if I am making the right decisions this time. I don’t know if I am rushing things or just wasting my time.***
*I honestly… don’t know.*
**[K A P O Y - Tired. In need some rest.]**
**[P A H U W A Y - To pause. To rest. ]**
@mariaclara
