Uhh, I think sharing something about myself is a good way to start my journey here in read.cash. Lemme remind you first that I'm not that good in English so kindly bear with my grammar and choice of words hehe. Well basically, I have so much to tell about myself that I don't even know where and how to start it. My life has been through a lot these past years and some of them created a great impact on how I am today.

My friends know me as a simple shy girl who keeps on sharing God's word. Ain't really sure hehe. Sometimes, I used to overthink their thoughts about things like hypocrisy or what. There goes my pessimism. They find me kind and helpful base on what they have said so during our talks. Our neighborhood, in comparison, always see me as a Pastor's kid who goes to church every Sunday and expect more. Somehow true, but I'm less and more than that. Confusing right? Even I myself too, haha. I am actually a great pessimistic person who always try so hard to be a better one. Sadly, I was inconsistent. I have a lot of unpleasant personalities that I badly wanted to kick out in my life. I have anger issues and I am extremely lazy as well which always contradicts the other side of me, a clean freak. Like dilemma's turning me crazier! I hate unnecessary stuffs and dirt on my place. They're making my mind terrible and I feel uncomfortable especially when I take online classes. Yet, my laziness wins most of the time.

My anxiety used to get worse because I am always conscious on how people see me. I am a Christian and I should be a good example to others. Thus, thinking about how inefficient I am makes me really emotional because I want to achieve God's expectation of me. My mind and heart always changes maybe strongly because of temptations everywhere. Whenever the bad side of me explodes, I usually feel weak realizing what I have just done and cry silently. Our neighbors can just easily know what's going on inside our house because we're not that far from each other and our place is peaceful enough to be heard. Province things you know. Whenever I do a thing that doesn't please my mother, she always scold me with a loud voice. I'm ashamed sometimes to go to church every Sunday because of the things my neighbors have heard or witnessed. Yet, I can't blame her for doing that. She strive so hard everyday that her tiredness triggers her angry side which I believe not everyone has the capacity to control such in a situation. Therefore, we must do the household chores as well everyday to lessen her stress. We also deserve that because me and my siblings are so hard-headed when it comes to household chores. One word is not really enough for us therefore we're not obviously wise? Haha!

That was before. Lately, they have refrained doing that and they are becoming more gentle to us.

On the other hand, I got easily bored too on doing things that once captured my attention. I was once a bookworm but now, I'm just a worm haha. Well, that's a meme from Facebook and I can totally relate for real. I even tried to practice playing a guitar and boom, that's it. I stopped after learning how to strum a few songs despite such eagerness how to pluck it. Writing stories was my cup of tea too, as well as creating poems and even songs. Turned out time just came out of the blue when there's no single word or tune anymore to compose which made me somewhat sad. I love doing them and I've always wanted to do them over and over again. That's life, I guess. I even engaged myself in public speaking such as hosting an event or broadcasting even though I am always nervous with a neutral self-esteem.

Well, we have to venture what's ours and what's not. God has prepared something that is only exclusive for ourselves therefore we must sort it out with more love and passion. Right now, I am still confuse of what really it is that's suitable for me. I don't know. Even the appropriate course in college is still not in piece. All this time in my first year in college, I can say I keep on questioning myself. I enrolled on a Math major course where I'm barely a person. Mathematics is one of my weaknesses but coping up with no matter how difficult a problem is, is also one of my greatest strength too as long as I never let my guard down. I've considered a lot of factors that's why it was always hard for me to choose. Whenever I thought such course is the one, a certain circumstance would just pop up and is undeniably on point. My greatest ambition in life so far is to become a doctor. However, a certain factor is currently blocking me from dreaming it more. I'm always praying to be freed by it and I hope one day, I will be.

Well, whatever we are currently living, we must embrace it joyfully. It's one of those most wonderful things to be cherished for. God bless!

Share some of your thoughts. Comment below.

Thanks a ton!