It’s hard to watch your friend suffer at a difficult time. You care about them and you want to do everything you can to make them feel better. Unfortunately you don’t know the right thing to say or do. You don’t want to hurt or hurt them more but you want to help. People’s feelings can be delicate and you need a strategy to deal with them effectively.
Take the initiative. Your friend may be too arrogant to let you know they feel anxious, or they may not be the type to show their emotions. Don’t wait to tell them wrong. If you know your friend is having a rough time, make sure they know you care and you’re there to talk to them about it. Don’t force the conversation to happen. Just let them know that you realize they are going through a difficult situation and they can go to them if they need to talk about it. Say something like:"I apologize for hearing about your grandfather's passing. I want you to know that you are very important to me and if you need someone to talk to, I'm here.", "I know you didn't get into the college you expected you to. I'm always around if you want to talk about it.", "I heard you didn't make the basketball team. I know you really trained for it. If you want to let off any steam, I'm there.", "I'm sure it's been really hard to cope with divorce. Let me know if you want to discuss it."
Listen to your friend. Make the conversation about them. Show interest in everything your friend has to say. Make eye contact, keep a worried expression on your face and point your chest at them as they talk. Don’t take the time to talk about yourself and don’t try to “fix” your friend’s problems. Most of the time people just need to be heard and they don’t want to hear answers. Make sure your friend knows they have your full attention. You may want to tell a story from your own life to relate to your friend, but you better serve them by being quiet and letting them talk.Keep your opinions to yourself. Your friend will feel worse if they think you are judging them. Never say "I already told you." Even if you warned your friend about a situation in the past, the done is done. Being right is not as important as being there for your friend.
Encourage them to remember the good times. Try to remind your friend about experiences they enjoyed. You can bring out times when the two of you are happy or ask them to tell you about the memories that make them happy. Be sure to let them tell a story. Remembering happy moments from their past will help bring them back to the state they experienced when the events took place. Say things like: "Do you remember the time we went to the beach for spring break? What was your favorite part of that trip?", "I know you really miss your uncle. What’s the funniest thing he would do at your family gatherings?", "Loki is a good dog. What is she like as a puppy?"
Offer compassion without being arrogant. Everyone feels emotion in their own way. You may have had a similar experience to your friend’s experience, but that doesn’t mean you know exactly how they feel about it. If you act like you know exactly how your friend is feeling, they may think you disqualify their emotion. Try to show your friend that you care and that you realize how strange they feel. Say something like: "I don't fully understand your problem, but I want to help you get through it.", "There's no way for me to know exactly how it affects you, but I'll try my best to help you cope with it.","I realize what you're going through is deep in person and I appreciate you sharing your feelings with me."
Let your friend know you are proud of them. Negative emotions can eat into a person’s self -esteem. Your friend may need help rebuilding confidence. Tell them why you think they are good. Unleash their past success. Remind them of situations that impressed you with the way they handled things. Let them know that you are glad to have a best friend who has all their great qualities. Say things like: "You're an amazing parent. You raised very good, talented kids.","Do you remember the time we lost on that hiking trip? I'm glad you have the skills to guide us home.", "I'm really grateful to have a friend like you who's smart, caring and fun around."
Take action to help your Friend. Help them with their day-to-day responsibilities. Bad feelings can drain your friend’s energy. Your friend will have a hard time getting up and taking care of obligations that can lead to more stress. See if you can take some pressure from your friend. Ask what you can do to lighten their load. Go to the market to choose groceries for your friend. Get your friend's kids out of school. See if there's any yard-work you can do around your friend's house. Offer your friend something to eat or drink. Some foods have been shown to help people become better. Hot drinks, such as tea or coffee, can have a calming effect on a person’s emotions while spicy foods and chocolate can cause the brain to release endorphins (a hormone that makes you happy. and content). Be careful that you do not encourage your friend to use food to deal with all their problems. Continued comfort eating can lead to binging which can cause a variety of health problems. A little alcohol can help boost your friend’s mood, but too much can have the opposite effect.
Hug your friend. Show your friend that you care by wrapping arms around them in a warm, genuine hug. A hug has incredible healing power to make a person feel better. Psychologists theorize that hugs will calm and protect us by reminding us of what the baby will be like in the womb. Give your friend the right kind of physical attention for them. Your friend may not need a hug but you may just want to hold their hand for a while or give them a rub rub to help them release stress. You can also do something beautiful for them like paint their nails or do their hair. Use your better judgment. Always ask questions before hugging or initiating any type of physical contact with your friend. Some people don't want to be touched when they feel weak. They may prefer to have their own personal space to deal with their issues.
Invite your friend to do something fun. If your friend has been stuck all day not feeling well, they can benefit from a change of scenery. Try to get them out of the house. Make plans to do something you both enjoy. Doing something social can help them think through their issues. If your friend doesn't feel ready to be close to large groups of people you can invite them to do something just for you. Some ideas for pleasure travel include: hiking, joint exercise,riding go carts, come out to eat,attending a festival, and watching a movie.
If your friend can’t deal with their depression, they may think for a moment to commit suicide. If you fear for the safety of your friends, beware of warning signs that they may be planning a dangerous one. Some common behaviors of people who commit suicide include: expressing intense anger or guilt, personal hygiene is neglected, obsessed with death, becomes dependent on alcohol, giving away their favorite possessions for no reason, organizing their affairs, looking to obtain guns, pills or other tools to commit suicide.
Talk to your friend about suicide. If after watching your friend’s behavior you are still afraid that they may commit suicide, talk to them about the topic. Don’t act if they admit they think so. If you act surprised or judgmental, they may shut you down and you can’t help them. Try to make them comfortable to be honest with you. The questions you should ask if you suspect someone has committed suicide are: "Do you feel bad that you're thinking about suicide?","Have you thought about how you can do this?","Do you have a need to do this?","Have you thought about when you're going to do it?" Be understanding. Talking about suicide can be an intense experience. Prepare yourself to deal with your friends ’emotions. You never know how they might respond. They can shout, cry or hit things. Do your best to stay calm so you don’t aggravate the situation. Remember that they are only acting because they are in great emotional distress. You feel that your friend is threatening your personal safety, get out right away.
Make sure your friend gets the help they need.If you think your friend is at a moderate to severe risk of suicide take a emergency call. If your friend is at low risk of suicide but still needs to talk to someone, call the national prevention line. suicide. Encourage your friend to visit a mental health facility and enroll in therapy sessions. A person who is in distress or at any risk of suicide should not be left alone. Stay with your friend until they are in the care of a professional or a trusted family member or friend. The risk levels associated with a person committing suicide are: Low risk: Your friend has some suicidal thoughts but has no plans to do so and is told they will not commit suicide. Moderate risk: Your friend has suicidal thoughts and a vague idea about how they can do it. Their plan was not too deadly and they said they would not commit suicide. High risk: Your friend has suicidal thoughts and a specific plan about how they will do it. Their plan was very deadly but they said they would not commit suicide. Serious risk: Your friend has suicidal thoughts and a suicide plan that is extremely deadly. They are going to commit suicide.
Community Questions and Answers
If your friend is deeply upset by the death of his father, how can you disturb him? You can invite him to do something fun so he can think about the issue for a while. However, he probably needed time to grieve. He may need time to think about his father before he is ready to let go of the sad feelings.
What do I do if this advice doesn't work?Give your friend time to feel better. Ultimately your friend’s feelings are their own and you can’t change it. You can however, do everything you can to be there for them.
Emotions are experienced in different ways. Don’t compare your emotions to your friend’s. Take it out Don’t be disappointed if your friend doesn’t feel like it right away. Try to help them feel a little happier each day. Recognize the loss of your friend. Say exactly what happened to validate your friend’s feelings. For example say: "I'm sorry your aunt died, can I do anything to help?"
And lastly don't leave your friend’s side until they get professional help if you’re worried they might commit suicide.Never judge your friend’s emotions. You’re just there with them. Don't wait for your friend to approach you. If you think something is wrong with them, ask if you can help.
