Help! I Ran Out Of Foxes* To Give!

And I'm not even sarcastic.

The past version of myself has finally caught up with me and they're up to no good. I wrote this in a flurry because this is the worst time I could run out of foxes* to give.

My past self cared less. They have been very apathetic toward the world and friendships were no exception (they had their reasons). Ghosting has been normal to do and people around me expected less. Invites became fewer and no one bothered to check in on me that much. For a time, it was good. It was much less of a hassle. Being alone wasn't an issue until loneliness came. But, there was no one else to blame as it was the path I chose to take.

Years have passed and I worked very hard to build and strengthen bonds with people I can trust. Working hard meant trying to be more vocal when it came to feelings and thoughts; not jumping the gun and making a conclusion without asking the other party. Some may have felt this change, some may haven't. I still tiptoed around but tiptoed lesser than I used to. Was it growth? Perhaps.

And now I'm close to relapsing.

Being aware that the itch to hide in the shadows is one thing. Trying not to succumb to it is another. Events around me are making me curl up into a corner and the most convenient thing for me to do is ghost everything I highly value. How ironic.

I actually care about so many things that's why I'm in a state of panic. Yet, a huge percentage of me wants to rebel and do the opposite. The feeling of wanting to care is so strong but my gut says caring is pointless.

This internal conflict makes me want to vomit.

As I try to finish this word vomit up while not actually typing the expletives I'm uttering at the moment, I wonder if anybody else has felt this urge. Make yourself known? Tell me how do you deal with it?

Kailangan ko mahanap yung pake ko before I mess things up.