Cha-cha to the Front, and to the Back

When does it ever end? The question rings in my head for the nth time as I try to make myself functional every single day. It pops into mind with unpredictable timing. It becomes the bitter bit during my eating time. It becomes Tanisha banging pans when I'm trying to get some rest. Y'all not gonna get no sleep 'cause of me.

The question could pertain to anything.

When will things stop getting boring?

When does this noise stop?

When will it stop hurting?

The question becomes annoying enough that it grabs my attention and drags me into a staring contest. And lately, I've been losing every match. While I'm not a sore loser, the consequences of losing is tiring. It renders me vulnerable to minutes of crying while doing a chore, or even when I'm having fun. That, in turn, leaves me open to questions of why am I in tears... And you know what probably happens next.

Having to deal with repetitive instances for the same reasons why is straining my energy.

I hate that it's happening while I'm struggling to bounce back and get things going for myself. One day, I'd be on a productive roll, then rot and doomscroll on the next. Cha-cha to the front. Cha-cha to the back. Am I really going forward? This is like dancing to the beat of a broken metronome...

Despite my current tone, I still remain hopeful for the future. I do feel a bit more lost because this time, I have to navigate around more than one set of feelings. Going through these motions without anyone to work with is like unlocking hardcore mode. One wrong move and it's game over.

I do want to keep on going, but... when does this ever end?