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I had a dream about my grandmother. My dad's mom. She passed away when I was in High School. She got sick and she slowly but surely faded away until finally she was gone.
She was the only grand parent I know since my grand father from both sides died before I was born and the grandmother from my mom side also passed away before I entered into this world.
Anyways, I often dream of her, I would often kid myself that I don't know why. But part of me thinks its because of the guilt I felt when she passed on. She was in and out of the hospital and during that day, it was our family's turn to care for her at the hospital, since mom and dad had to work, our nanny was chosen to be with her at the hospital. I came home early from school and she asked me to come with her on her "duty" with my grandma. I feigned tiredness and didn't go with her and a few hours after that, she came home crying since my Lola had already passed away. I really felt the shame of not being able to go to her and that she died with only the nanny with her. No family. I should have been there if I wasn't so lazy. I should have been there and have been with her on her last hours... minutes... seconds. I felt so guilty and from time to time, I would still feel the same. I think that its my guilt that's making me dream of her and my inability to forgive myself for that mistake.
Time and again I would berate myself that I should already forgive myself, I have asked for forgiveness from her for a very long time and I know deep inside that she already did and that I'm just punishing myself for feeling sad or miserable whenever I would think of her. I know she wouldn't want that, wouldn't want me to be sad.
Howells, I hope that one day, I might dream of her still but I wouldn't wake up with my heart trying to escape my chest and me not breaking out in sweat or me in tears. I love her and I do miss her still even after all these years...