Last night suddenly I was like: "Well, maybe there is no such thing as learning to be human?" Lately, I noticed that I frequently used the following sentence in friendly conversations: "I learn to be human in this life". Every information I was surprised in terms of personal development, interesting reactions and morbidities I discovered myself; everything was taking me to this sentence.
In other words, what I call "I am learning" is not actually stepping into and approaching certain, generally accepted human limits? But being human didn't have a single line either?
Was it not actually to learn to be human, to go through the experiences in the soul and the human body, to observe them, to use human qualities to be comfortably in life? And all this did not have a single line either. The line was unique to each person. Thinking that a line existed and trying to get into it was, in fact, inexperienced.
I mean, "If I were like this, I would have learned to be human, if I were like that I would be one step closer to being human", wouldn't it be to put yourself in patterns determined before you rather than learning to be human? There was no such moment anyway. How was waiting for that moment different from the mouse running on the treadmill waiting for the end of the road?
With certain patterns, you didn't learn to be human, but you were just trying to fit into certain patterns. How I have overlooked this situation lately… I knew it, I forgot. Now I remember again. Maybe I'll forget it again after a while, and then re-discover it in the next step. Isn't that just one of the most peculiar qualities of being human? Forget, remember, forget, remember
Isn't it about being human to understand and perceive every moment, every experience, every moment? This was not something to be learned, it was just something to be experienced. To say good-bad or as such, human-being-not human when it is like this was not more than classification. Being human was beyond adjectives. Being human was anytime and anywhere you breathe.
In fact, being a human was just as if you had one more eye in the distance and you were watching yourself from that eye, that is, to watch yourself from a silent witness, to witness yourself from a place without judgment and compassion without putting yourself in any pattern. Lately, I have not been able to settle into my moments easily, I cannot let myself go. Sometimes I even spend my whole day worrying, "Alas, I'm spending my day empty, I'm not doing anything significant". I see that there is no time left to worry about that day anyway. I thought I couldn't experience being human in those days of anxiety, because I just stood. Oh no… I have experienced the most anxious side of being human, the side that observes how my life can take shape if worry is put in the middle of life.
Everything was about people at all times. There was no learning to be human, but just living to be human. And a last note to myself: You don't have to be learning everything in life. Just let yourself live and live. Please. How many human moments will be lived then.