When She Gazed Into the Abyss

Disclaimer: Involves the content about suicide. The writer asked the permission first to the bereaved family before posting.

"Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”

– Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil

Grey. Dull. Monotonous. She began to speak up for the very first time. The whole class was silenced as she tried to open her crimson lips and construe her life in a mysterious way. The anger and guilt left traces on her tantalizing, yet peculiar eyes. Void—that is the exact, appropriate term to describe who she was. No emotions were evident. She never opened-up to someone. It was too obscure.

The rain started to fall, and the thunder was rumbling. She was wearing her black jacket, and it truly had a complement on her pale skin. Include her long, straight hair that freely falls freely like a waterfall, and is as black as the night sky. I was staring at her as she looked up into the sky while the rain was falling. It was like gazing at the black void across the space, and the stars were her eyes. Like staring at the sky, too much questions about what lies beneath, who had caused it, and why it happened, started to puzzle me up. Little did I know, she was already looking at me that broke my bemused countenance.That's when I realized, I looked like a hungry stray dog wherein she might have noticed too, yet , I just shrugged it off when gave me a strange smirk which sent off shiver down my spine.

Day after that, I went school as early as possible to see her arrive and, enter the door. She was an "early-bird", as others have called it. Hours passed, no presence of her arrived until the class dismissal. That was an anomalous day since she had never missed any class before. I tried to find my luck, and asked this strict teacher if she left any excuse letter. Unfortunately, she just raised her thin eyebrows, pouted her lips and said,''none', as I have expected. When I reached home, I attempted to search her on any social media accounts, but I found nothing. It brought me chills. Everything flashed back in my mind. That void in herself, her peculiar eyes and that, strange smirk. I did not mind them all, and fell asleep.

The next Friday morning, my messenger blasted many messages, to the point that it lagged my cellphone that hard and I was not able to read what was that all about. I hurried to school with my heart felt very heavy. As I entered that room, the atmosphere was different. All of my classmates were talking to each other, wearing a sad and anxious face. And again, I could not see any presence of the girl. I wanted to ask one of my classmates about the matter, but our adviser has entered the room as well and the class started. Before the class has formally commenced, she informed us that one our classmates was found dead hanging on her ceiling. The who class was stunned, and a very long silence has taken over the four corners of our room.

Our class decided to excuse our whole section from the remaining subjects, in order to visit her funeral and we were given the permission by our school principal. Some of our teachers also came with us, including our adviser. When we arrived in their two-storey house, I overheard the conversation of my adviser and her mother talking about her death. That very girl, who use to be so quiet and mysterious, was dealing with an extreme depression. After her parents' marriage failed, they separated and she lived with her mother. But afterwards, his father got into a car accident just few months before her death. Also, her mother was too busy and has forsaken her emotional aspect.

That void in herself, her peculiar eyes and that, strange smirk. Everything just made sense why I really could not forget them all those times. I realize, it could have been any sign that she was dealing with that particular condition, and she needed someone to talk to. As I came across with this quote by Friedrich Nietzcshe, I cannot help but to remember that girl, two years before.

When you gaze into that abyss, it gazes back, and it tells you what and who exactly you are. Sadly, in the midst of monsters in her life, she went with them without surpassing them all. When her abyss opened up, it was like calling her, and since she knew that they have darkness in their selves, she entered and never came back. It all happened, when she gazed into the abyss.