I am still battling depression as of this moment. I think that I already have this for a long time, the fact that I have panic attacks before my second pregnancy. Panic attacks make me feel like I am dying, I can feel my heart slowly stops beating and I have to ground myself. Perhaps I am just good at hiding my emotions, unknowingly, that I am already drowning in it.
When I was pregnant with my second child, I was not able to eat everything I wanted. I cried most of the time. I easily get upset and get angry. I am strong-willed and independent, I always do and eat what I want in my first pregnancy because I had a job but the second one was totally different.
The pandemic brought more anxiety to me. My partner lost his job so I had to work part-time and I lost that job as well. I really was not sure where to get money for my CS operation and for the remaining laboratories. God knows how hard I prayed for financial blessings. They were answered though, His help always arrives on time.
I am sad, yes, I am. I am an empath (which means I feel other people's emotions and sometimes mistaken them as my own). But no matter how I try, I can still feel this deep sadness inside of me. I know I have PPD. I am impatient and I easily explode. No one seems to understand me. I did think of hurting myself and my child. God knows how hard I pray to remain sane. Every time I think of doing it, I look at my child and remind myself how I love her and her older sibling. I do not want to go to high places because I feel like I wanted to jump. I even requested my friends to pray for me, which was a big help.
I am a prayerful person and I try to connect to God and even meditate, but still, this melancholy is like a melody constantly singing inside my heart. What can I do about this? I do acknowledge that I am sad. The more I go out, the sadder I become. Maybe this pandemic added to my sadness as I do miss going out with my older daughter for a stroll and scoot. Perhaps I feel what she is feeling, or I feel what the whole world is feeling. Shall I continue crying? Shall I listen to the music and dance until I get tired? I know it is okay to be not okay but I am not sure for how long and I know I cannot remain like this forever. I have children depending on me.
Depression sounds like a simple word but it is deep and it can kill. I have seen people on social media who took their lives because they can no longer contain their sadness. I do not want to be a part of that team. Please send a prayer for my healing. I am fighting it, I just don't know when it will disappear.
Thank you Mr. Randomreward!